


the moon is dark

by alteirkay



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, F/M, Female Hange Zoë, Happy Ending, Levi Ackerman - Freeform, Meeting again in another life, Mike is an asshole, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Please be aware, Romance, but not really insta love either, erwin is a businessman, hange is our sunshine, hange zoe - Freeform, i make the rules here so probably this story won't make any sense, language because its levi's pov, levihan - Freeform, might contain a slight angst later on, might contain spoilers from the manga, not slow burnish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 57,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27900340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alteirkay/pseuds/alteirkay
Summary: His face was wet.“What the hell?” He murmured touching his face to see if he was mistaken. He was not. His hair was damp with sweat. There was an uneasiness invading his whole body. He was filled with it like he had drunk it straight from a bottle. His chest was heavy, his breaths were uneven, and his right eye was throbbing like a hammer was hitting at it continuously.He was feeling like he had just lost someone.amazing art by @porolitart on tumblr: bit.ly/39saFPa
Relationships: Levi/Hange Zoë
Comments: 164
Kudos: 325





	1. winter kept us warm, covering

**Author's Note:**

> the chapter title is from T.S Elliot's poem The Waste Land

When Levi wakes up cold, sweaty and out of breath he realizes two things: the sun has not risen yet, and he has just seen the worst nightmare of his life.

The problem here though is that he does not remember what he saw. Only bits and pieces but they come and go like lightning in his head and he cannot make sense of anything within a second’s worth of brightness. So, he lies there for a while trying to adjust his breathing as he waits for his heart to return to its normal rhythm. Only then does he gather enough courage to look at his right side.

He breathes in deep; he does not remember the nightmare, but he does know that it had been something about her. Something exceedingly bad and even though he has certain ideas about what that _something_ is he carefully sweeps it away, ignoring and decides to live on like he had not seen anything at all.

Hesitantly, Levi lifts his hand with a sudden desire to touch her but although his breathing is even now his hand trembles like a single leaf on a branch. He retreats his hand, thinking that it might wake her up, gets up from the bed and leaves the room silently.

Tea seems like the best idea at the moment because his mind is a crowded mess, and his nerves are so damn tense that he needs to relax. He doesn’t even know what time it is other than the fact that the sky is still dark enough for him to turn the light on when he enters the kitchen.

He makes quick work on boiling the water, adding some leaves in it which he thinks might help clear the fog inside of his head or get some simply sleep.

She finds him there five minutes later when he is waiting for the tea to be steeped. Levi doesn’t look at her, cannot in fact but he has no idea why he just keeps waiting in front of the stove.

From the corner of his eye, he sees her putting her elbow on the kitchen counter and resting her cheek on her hand. She hums approvingly, “Smells good.”

Levi doesn’t leave his stare from the pot. “Did I wake you up?”

“No,” she says. “But I felt it when you wake up."

There it is, that odd feeling in his heart which is like a thousand stitches going through it at the same time.

“Do you want some tea?” He asks trying and failing very hard not to dwell on that feeling.

“Yes please.” Levi doesn’t see it, but he bets there is a smile on her face.

He places two cups on the counter and carefully fills them both. She goes to sit at the table. Levi follows, his hands full with the teacups before he places them on the table.

“Thanks.”

Levi sits at the chair beside her and they drink their teas silently for a couple of minutes. There is nothing out of the ordinary, deep inside he knows that this, drinking tea in the middle of the night with her is normal for him, for them. Yet, like an insistent gum on a shirt, the feeling of awkwardness, the sticking sensation that there is something amiss somewhere does not leave him alone. His stomach burns like there is a fire inside of it that cannot be put out.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“What?”

A moment of carelessness, having been too much invested in his own thoughts he doesn’t realize that he had acted without he even had a chance to think.

Hange watches him with curious eyes and the fire in his stomach grows bigger and bigger while that goddamn uneasiness stays put, but he also notices that looking at her, at last, brings more calm to him than the tea.

“Do you want to talk about the reason why you are up in the middle of the night?”

She raises a brow. Levi just knows that there is something extremely wrong. How is it so hard to put his finger on it?

He shakes his head trying not to reflect his emotions. “I don’t remember.”

“Hmm?” She sounds clearly suspicious. “Was it about me?”

Levi doesn’t respond.

Hange leans closer to him. Her face is just centimetres away and Levi wants to touch her so badly he feels his fingers go numb from the desire instead she lifts his hand and cups the side of his face. He closes his eyes immediately like he has been waiting for her to do exactly this. Leaning to her touch he realizes that her hand is warmer because of the teacup she has been holding. Her warmth somehow soothes the fire inside of him.

“I’m here,” she says. “You know that right?”

“I do,” he replies but he feels like he is lying.

“But your subconscious does not.”

“Yeah.” Her thumb crosses his cheekbone. “It is a bitch.”

At that, she laughs, and Levi opens his eyes to see the image in front of him. He drinks it and it fills his insides with a honey taste warmth that even a hundred cups of tea would fail to do, and he decides that he wants to kiss her and will.

He lifts his right hand which is not trembling this time and touches her face. Her eyes, bright like the moon outside, pierce him with a gaze and Levi at the very last finds out what has been bothering him this whole time.

The fire in his stomach goes up to his throat and burns down the whole warmth he has only just gained. And replaces it with a fear of which he has long forgotten the meaning and how it makes him feel.

His hand, which has all of his fingers, starts to tremble again. His eyes, _eyes_ , not _eye_ like it had supposed to be, widen with terror. Hange who has both of her eyes too watches him with a smile still evident on her face.

“Hange,” Levi whispers. His own voice strange to his hears. “Hange?”

Rather than answering Hange gets up from her chair and takes his face in her hands. Levi realizes not only his hand but his whole body is trembling like a broken engine.

She places a kiss on his forehead and whispers, “Wake up, love.”

Levi woke up.

The room was bright with the morning sun and the wind was whistling harshly causing the naked branches of the tree outside to slam against his bedroom window.

His face was wet.

“What the hell?” He murmured touching his face to see if he was mistaken. He was not. His hair was damp with sweat. There was an uneasiness invading his whole body. He was filled with it like he had drunk it straight from a bottle. His chest was heavy, his breaths were uneven, and his right eye was throbbing like a hammer was hitting at it continuously.

He was feeling like he had just lost someone.

Levi straightened to sit in his bed. He didn’t recall the dream or the nightmare. Most probably a nightmare judging by the aftereffects. He looked at his right hand and remembered that odd feeling from the nightmare just barely. Then put his palm on his still throbbing eye. Every time the pain and ache grew bigger and bigger like a black ink spreading on the water. Levi never remembered what he had seen, who he had seen or what he had said in that dream. Sometimes it was not bad enough to make him cry, sometimes it was so dreadful that it made him scream in the middle of the night. In both cases, there was an emptiness inside of him like his chest had a fist-sized hole. Not knowing any reason or any clue as to why all this shit happened to him was wafting him away from the lines of sanity of which he had been trying to hold on to with all his might in the last two years since this thing had started. Maybe he should’ve just listened to Erwin and see a doctor.

“Who are you?” He asked as if there was anyone to answer his question. “Just who the hell are you?”

Silence ringed in his ears for a while before the scrawny branches of the tree outside slammed against his window furiously.

* * *

“Levi, you look-”

“You look like shit.”

Levi threw a blank look to Mike who very generously completed Erwin’s sentence, and took a long sip from his tea.

“Well, to put it bluntly,” Erwin said with his usual calm voice. “Did you not sleep well?”

“I never sleep well.”

“Which explains why you look shitty every day,” Mike smirked like he very much enjoyed himself on insulting Levi. Levi was pretty sure that Mike took a fair amount of wicked pleasure in swearing at him with every chance he got.

Levi never cared much about it though. “I don’t give a damn.”

“Yeah, it’s very obvious.”

“Levi.” Thank fuck Erwin stopped Mike from talking any more nonsense. “You should take this seriously.”

Levi drank his tea rather than answering him. He lost count of the times they had this conversation. He had stopped counting somewhere along the way. Thankfully, Erwin wasn’t as insistent on this matter as he was before. He simply sighed and gave up. “At least tell me you are coming for dinner tonight.”

“I don’t know,” he said trying to dismiss the topic as quickly as possible. “I’m still considering it.”

“Levi—”

“Just drop it, Erwin.” Mike interfered. “You know he cannot handle human interaction.”

“It is not human interaction if you are there.”

Mike’s eye twitched and a muscle moved on his jaw while he was trying to control his expression. “You little shit—”

“That’s enough.” Erwin’s voice had switched to the _“very-serious-businessman”_ tone which had a weird effect on them both; like they were about to receive orders from their commander. “Levi, you are coming. I don’t want to hear any excuses.”

Levi was just about to reply with something very stupid like “Understood,” but before that bullshit came from his mouth, he bit his tongue and swallowed the word back. _What the fuck?_

“Alright,” he said instead. “I’ll be there.”

“Good.”

Levi felt like he gave up quite easily, but he had no plans for tonight anyway. And he was very much sure that if he were to continue thinking all alone in his very empty apartment, he was just going to lose damned his mind.

“Mike, you’re coming too, right?”

They both looked at Mike to see his response, but he was busy with his phone. His fingers moved on the screen quickly and excitedly. There was a wicked smirk on his face which made Levi frown annoyed.

“Who are you texting with?”

“No one,” Mike answered, then looked up to see both Levi and Erwin staring at him, apparently not satisfied with the answer and fixed himself. “Someone,” he said. “Not that it is any of your business.”

Levi rolled his eyes and took a sip from his tea while Erwin laughed quietly.

He couldn’t help but feel something or rather someone was missing at the table.

* * *

Levi needed to leave the work early today to be on time for dinner at Erwin’s house. Not that he actually cared about being late, but Mike had harassed him all day via sending him stupid text messages. Levi was so done with it he had to block him to stop his building headache.

“Armin, you close the shop today.” He threw the keys to the blond boy who was behind the counter, busy with cleaning the spilt tea strains. He looked up from his work and caught the keys in the air successfully on time and gave him a thumbs up. “Sure, boss.”

“Annie, make sure you cleaned the floors thoroughly.”

The blonde girl had a bored expression which was reminding him uncomfortably of the face he saw on the mirror every day. She and Armin had similar facial features, but their personalities were quite far fetched. Comparing the two of them was like comparing the whiteness of the snow to the brightness of the sea. Annie simply nodded her head as an acknowledgement and turned back to her work.

Levi got out of the tea shop with a packet of eclairs in hand. They were Erwin’s favourites, but Mike very much despised them. And that was what you called “killing two birds with a stone”.

Erwin’s apartment was not very far away from his tea shop with the car. It was almost a fifteen-minute ride if there was no traffic. And judging by the clear weather there was not. Despite the coldness today, the sky was clean, and the afternoon sun painted it with pastel, orange-purple mixed colour. It was nice.

About twenty minutes later he was standing in front of Erwin’s door. He rang the bell and waited. There were three pair of shoes on the floor and he frowned while trying to remember if Erwin had called anyone else for dinner apart from them.

He couldn’t come to a conclusion though, and the door had been opened anyway so he decided to just wait and see.

The one who opened the door was Mike. He frowned and looked around as if to see who rang the bell, particularly ignoring Levi, who stood there not living his stare from Mike and waited patiently.

Mike turned his eyes at him a few seconds later and put on an overly fake, surprised expression. “Oh Levi!” he said, sounding even more fake. “I didn’t see you there.”

Levi gave him an unaffected, flat look and taking off his shoes he stepped inside without waiting for an invite and shoved the bag which had the eclairs in it to Mike’s absurdly broad chest. “I bought these for you.”

Mike glanced at the inside of the bag and squinted suspiciously. “Thanks, man.”

It was very out of character, but Levi wanted to smirk so bad his insides hurt while he tried to stop himself from displaying a self-satisfied smile. He turned around and walked towards the living room in which he guessed Erwin would be.

He was right after all when he stepped inside Erwin was in fact there but he wasn’t alone.

There was a woman sitting cross-legged beside him on the couch. She appeared to be twenty-seven or twenty-eight around his age. She had brown hair which was tied up as a ponytail, wore frameless oval-shaped glasses, and a plaid maroon coloured shirt over a white t-shirt and black trousers.

Her eyes were brown, but they shone like…

_Like the moon outside._

Levi froze. A slow, tickling sensation started to build up behind his right eye. Complicated, blurry and meaningless images crossed his mind in milliseconds. He blinked rapidly trying to clear his vision, his head and to inhale deep fresh air for some fucking oxygen to reach his brain.

“Levi,” Erwin said, and Levi looked at him. He felt at ease with being able to respond like a functional human being. Erwin smiled, seemingly unaware of Levi’s reaction. “I’m glad you came.”

He nodded simply because he couldn’t talk. Then turned back to the woman beside Erwin who was watching him too. She got up from the couch she was sitting in and walked towards him with a smile which made the throbbing ache in his eye grow bigger and bigger.

She extended a hand to him. They were about the same height Levi noted. “So, Levi,” she said while her smile widened, and her eyes twinkled. Her voice was deep with a mix of excitement. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

 _Oh,_ Levi thought. _She had?_ He didn’t think he even heard of her name before. Despite the fact that she felt oddly, ultimately and ridiculously familiar Levi was sure he had never met with her before. Question after question there was a mountain inside of his head. He wanted explanations and he wanted answers. But instead, he said, “I don’t shake hands.”

The smile dropped, the twinkle disappeared, and Levi immediately regretted what he had said. But even the thought of touching her made him somehow uncomfortable. He held back himself from apologizing which surprised even him. He _did not_ apologize.

_Just what the fuck was happening?_

“Oh,” she said, retreating her hand. She put it behind herself along with her other hand. When she talked again her tone was neutral. “Okay then.” She took a step back and bowed her head as a quick gesture of acknowledgement. “I am Hange Zoe. Nice to meet you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ••I should note that English is my second language and I never post a work without editing it like a million times but there might be still grammatical errors, sorry for that••


	2. earth in forgetful snow; feeding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter title is again from The Waste Land. I know the lines don't make sense individually but they are actually following lines so they are quite meaningful altogether

Lie. It was obviously a lie. Their meeting was not nice, and she knew that. Yet Levi couldn’t care about it at the moment. Because hearing her name the throbbing in his eye came to the extent of not being tolerable anymore. His fingers itched to touch his eye as if it would stop the pain. It took a fair amount of willpower to not reflect his disturbance in his face. He had to clench his jaw and wait for the throbbing to go away.

“Oi!” Mike put his hand on his shoulder and gave him a little squeeze as a warning. “This is so much even for you.”

Levi wanted to ask what the hell he was talking about but then he realized that he still hadn’t given an answer to Hange who was looking at him like he was an ancient language no one knew how to read.

She smiled though, clearly; she didn’t care much. “It’s okay, Mike.”

Erwin, who had come to stand beside them sometime when Levi wasn’t paying attention, cleared his throat. “Let’s get to dinner now, shall we?”

They did. The atmosphere was tense when they sat at the table. Hange sat across from him while Mike took the seat beside him.

Levi thought the dinner would be silent and nervous but as it turned out Hange was quite talkative. She was practically bursting out with energy, radiating it like it was infinite. Erwin and Mike joined her though Erwin was much calmer and Mike spoke with a disgustingly serious tone. Levi figured out in a short amount of time that Hange was a biological scientist and apparently, she was working with Erwin for some time. She and Mike were friends from university. Levi felt like a stranger among them. Why had he never met with her before?

Meanwhile the throbbing in his eye decreased but it was still there, reminding itself and not being completely faded away. Levi ignored it while eating and listening to their conversation and saying something only occasionally when he found necessary or basically just to annoy Mike.

Towards the end of the dinner he asked, “How long have you been working with Erwin?”

Hange was about to drink from her soda when she heard Levi speak. She paused and looked at him like she was making sure the question was directed at her.

“Ah,” she blinked her eyes as if she didn’t expect Levi to talk to her and put the soda back on the table. “For about two and a half years I think.”

She turned to Erwin apparently to confirm herself. Erwin nodded, “Yes. More or less.”

Levi raised a brow. How come he had never seen her before then?

Hange seemed like she had guessed his confusion. “I was abroad,” she said. “Carrying out my research from the company’s Australia branch. It has been two weeks since I’ve come back.”

Levi hummed. That explained it.

“Do you feel left out, Levi?” Mike asked smugly and when Levi turned to him, he saw there was a big smile on his face. He might be taking the revenge of the eclairs and having been blocked earlier today, Levi thought.

“If it would mean spending more time with you no,” replied Levi coldly.

Mike squinted with revengeful eyes, Erwin chuckled lightly, and Hange…

Hange laughed.

It was the most human thing she could’ve done; it was natural, and it was expected. But the sound shattered Levi’s mind to pieces. The throbbing in his eye stopped but instead, there was a knife cut depth pain and it took his breath away. He gasped and lost every bit of control he had over his body while he slammed his palm against his eye. His other eye widened with the severe pain he couldn’t have been able to endure.

“Levi?” He heard Erwin and the friction of the chair when he stood up. Seconds later his hand was on his shoulder. He asked with a worried tone, “What happened? Are you okay?”

Levi couldn’t answer but a painful groan escaped from between his clenched teeth.

“Hange?” He heard Mike calling to her and couldn’t give it much of a meaning. What could she do anyway?

“A-Aah,” Hange replied hesitantly. “I can take a look, but don’t trust what I say.”

“Didn’t you go to the Medical School first?” Mike asked.

“I did.” Levi heard another chair being pulled and the sound of footsteps. “But I dropped it in my sophomore year. Erwin?”

The hand on Levi’s shoulder disappeared. Levi looked with his only functional eye and saw that Hange’s hand was approaching him slowly.

He gasped again. The scene felt so familiar that it made his chest tighten with a feeling of loss which made absolutely no fucking sense. He instinctively pulled away from her hand and felt the pain in his eye grew sharper.

Hange seemed to be a little taken aback first upon his reaction but soon enough she asked, “You really don’t want me touching you, do you?” There was no animosity in her voice. It was plain like she was simply stating a fact.

Levi didn’t respond but Mike called his name warningly. “Levi.”

“It’s okay Mike,” Hange said repeating her earlier words and smiled at him. “I don’t really mind.” Then she turned to Levi. “But you have to put your hand down so I can take a look.”

Levi was more than aware that he was acting like a goddamn child. His actions surprised even Levi himself, though not seeing their faces he guessed Erwin and Mike were probably stunned. But his body had long taken the command and it didn’t look like it was going to give it back anytime sooner.

Slowly, Levi did as he was told and immediately wanted to put his hand back. Instead, he clenched at his knee as a distraction, dragging his fingers into the fabric until he felt it hurt.

Hange leaned down, her hands were a safe distance away resting on her knees. There was a respectful distance between their faces too, but Levi could see the shape of brown clearly. It was neither too dark nor too light. She frowned while she studied Levi’s eyes carefully. She didn’t wear any makeup, but her lashes were thick enough, so she didn’t need it anyway. Levi also realized the slight darkness under her eyes not as bad as his own but indicating the sleepless nights.

“Erwin, give me your phone,” she said after a while. When Erwin did what she had said she opened the flashlight and directed it to Levi’s eye. He winced and squeezed his eyes at being directly exposed to the white light. It didn’t take long before Hange turned the light off and leaned in just a bit closer.

He didn’t mean to ask, but before the words left his mouth, he hadn’t had a chance to consider. “Who are you?”

He was acting so damn weird and even the air in the room was filled it a shock so evident that Levi could practically breathe it in. Hange blinked a few times and her focus switched from being invested in solving a problem to him. She did appear to be surprised too, yet it lasted only for a second.

“Hange Zoe,” she replied casually. “I’m a biological scientist.”

“This is not what I asked.”

“I know that.” She straightened up. “But it’s the only answer I can give to you.”

Then as if what happened just now was nothing out of the ordinary, she turned to Erwin, who was standing there still like a stone. “So, l didn’t see anything weird and even though I did make some research on the human eye before, I am no doctor.” She looked back at Levi. “And I think you should see one.”

Great. As if Erwin eating his head every week wasn’t enough. It was not like he didn’t know though, but he had a feeling that the problem wasn’t something about his eye or brain. It was different and somehow more complicated.

“You heard that Levi?” Erwin asked but Levi just hummed dismissively then turned back to the table, reached his teacup and took a long sip from it.

“Told you, Erwin,” Mike said after the other two settled down in their seats again. “He cannot handle human interaction.”

Levi didn’t even bother to be annoyed.

* * *

When Levi thought that this long, torturous, and regretful night finally _finally_ came to an end another problem occurred.

“Hange do you have a car?”

It was Mike who had asked the question. They were about to leave. Hange was wearing her ridiculously thin raincoat. Like it would do anything against the cold outside.

“No, I came by bus.”

“It is time you bought one, you know.”

She shrugged.

“I’ll give you a ride then.” Mike replied taking his keys out of his jacket’s pocket.

“Thank you, Mike,” Hange said smiling. “But you really don’t have to change your route for me. I can take the bus.”

“It’s very late,” Erwin cut in. “And cold.”

“And it is not something I’ve never done,” she patted Erwin’s shoulder lightly. “Thanks for the concern anyway, but Mike and I live very far away and in completely opposite directions. There is no need.”

“Hange, for God’s sake. It is not like I will carry you on my back.”

Hange was about to answer when Levi asked, “Where do you live?”

“On Maria Street,” she replied after a pause. “I’ve just moved in actually. It’s been only about a week.”

Levi didn’t really believe in coincidences. He was the “everything has a reason” type of guy and almost always looked for a concrete and rational reason behind things. Even though it was impossible to find one in every single occasion. Like what was the reason behind him seeing bizarre dreams that he doesn’t even remember, or what was the reason behind him meeting Hange Zoe who was in his friends’ lives longer than he was even aware of?

And what was the logical reason behind that said person to choose to live on the exact same street as Levi did?

“I thought it was Rose Street,” Mike asked sounding confused.

“No, it’s Maria Street,” Hange assured.

Fortunately, Erwin realized that Levi was in no condition to answer and said, “Levi lives there too.”

“Oh, really?” She looked very much excited which was a little annoying. But Levi was a grown-ass man after all, not a child. And it was time to act like one.

“Yeah,” he said with a voice so steady and straight that he was damn proud of it.

“Great. We are all settled then.” Mike clapped his hands a few times like he had just finished the biggest project of his life successfully.

After they all said their goodbyes to Erwin, they left the apartment stepped out to the cold night. The wind blew occasionally but it was harder and colder than it had been that morning. They walked to where the cars were parked and stopped when they reached Levi’s.

Mike turned to Levi and made the “I have my eyes on you” gesture with his fingers which made Levi roll his eyes so bad his right eye throbbed again.

“You take her home safely.”

Hange laughed and Levi said, “I don’t know. If I continue to look at you my sight might go bad. I am not responsible for what is to happen then.”

Mike gave him the finger and Levi munificently returned the jest.

“Good to know you’re getting along,” Hange said. “But I’m kind of freezing here.”

“Right,” Mike replied but not before repeating that dramatic hand gesture with his fingers at Levi. “It was good to see you again, Hange.”

“Yeah, you too.” She smiled big and Mike hugged her shortly before leaving for his own car. He didn’t say anything to Levi, not that Levi cared, but then he shouted, “Goodnight little man,” without looking back.

“Goodnight you moron,” Levi said but he didn’t shout of course. He was a mature person.

Hange snorted while Levi opened the car with his key and they both got in.

The drive was silent for a good while. Levi was glad. Yet, the silence gave him the chance to think about everything that happened tonight, and his stomach strained with unpleasant and grim feelings. He kept his face neutral, tapped his fingers on the wheel to distract his mind. It was a shame that he didn’t have nice memories to exchange.

“So,” Hange spoke at last. Levi was sensing she was holding herself back this whole time. “What do you do? For a living I mean.”

He threw her a look from the corner of his eyes and saw that she was watching him with curious eyes then turned back to the road.

“I have a tea shop,” he replied shortly.

“Oh, that’s great.” If it wasn’t for the genuine tone in her voice Levi would think she was lying. After all, having a tea shop wasn’t the most exciting thing one would do.

“Wait.” She paused for a second which made Levi look at her again. “Did you bring those eclairs?”

He hummed approvingly while turning his eyes back on the road. “I brought them from the shop.”

“They were really good,” she said nodding her head as if supporting her statement.

Levi was glad that the only one who despised the dessert was Mike. After a second’s consideration, he reached the inside of his jacket, took out a cart from his pocket and handed it to Hange. Then tried not to think too much about the fact that by doing so he had indirectly invited her to the shop.

“It has the address on it,” he said not leaving his eyes from the road when she took the cart from his hand. 

“The Wall,” she read thoughtfully. “Is this a reference to Pink Floyd?”

“No,” he replied immediately but a thought flashed his mind right after. He absolutely did not make a reference to Pink Floyd when he was giving the shop that name. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t even remember the reason why he named the shop “The Wall” at all.

Hange hummed thoughtfully. “It’s not very far away from where we live.”

“Aah.”

Levi took the last turn to enter the street and slowed down the car while he was passing by the buildings.

“That’s the one.” Hange pointed with a finger to the building on their right.

Levi sighed and realized tiredly that he didn’t even have the energy to be surprised or confused anymore. The anomaly this whole day brought about was so much even for his own standards. At this point, he wouldn’t even be surprised at magically having fucking wings.

Eventually accepting his fate, he parked the car carefully and stopped the engine. He was aware of Hange’s puzzled stare but didn’t make any effort on explaining himself. Levi was so done for the day.

“Looks like we are neighbours,” he said simply while opening his door and stepping out of the car.

Hange followed suit. Levi locked the car and waited for her to come to his side. “We live in the same building too?”

“No.” Thank God it wasn’t that bad. “I live in the one next to yours.”

“Huh,” she let out a surprised laugh. “This is so weird.

“Tell me about it,” said Levi with a weary voice.

Hange snorted yet soon after realized that Levi was not amused a little bit. “Sorry,” she said. “I promise I won’t bother you so much.”

“That sounds like you plan on bothering me.”

“Well, I can’t help it. I am a scientist.”

“What does it have to do with that?” Levi asked sounding very annoyed.

“You are interesting, and I like to dig.” She smiled so big it hurt Levi’s eyes. She then had started walking back towards her building when she raised and waved her hand at Levi. “Thanks for the ride by the way. See ya!”

After that she turned around and disappeared.

It was long after Levi had entered his apartment, changed his clothes and took a bath that he realized when he looked at the mirror there was a barely visible smile on his face.

* * *

“You were acting weird yesterday,” Erwin said to him on the phone on the very next day, at precisely 9.30 am. “Weirder than usual.”

Levi pinched his nose sighing defeatedly. He knew he wasn’t going to escape this conversation.

“Was it about Hange?” Erwin asked when Levi didn’t give him any answer.

He stiffened against his question. “What do you mean?”

“What do I mean?” Levi could practically hear the raised brow suspicion in his voice. “I think you know what I mean, Levi.”

“Erwin,” said Levi using a serious tone to end this conversation as quickly as possible. “I don’t think I need to explain anything.”

“You don’t,” Erwin said agreeing with him. “I just want you to be okay. It’s all.”

“I’m fine.” Levi heard the door to shop chiming and took a glimpse to see who came in. Then acted like that uninvited feeling wasn’t disappointment.

“I still think you should see a doctor though.”

“I gotta get back to work,” Levi said and hung up.

* * *

It was a week later when Levi was in his office upstairs on the shop, dealing with the paperwork that Hange finally showed up. It wasn’t like Levi had been waiting for her to show up by the way.

He saw her on his way down the stairs when he decided it was time to take a break. She was talking to Armin, full of such excitement that Levi would fail to even imagine having, with wild hand gestures and a bright smile. Armin was smiling too, his eyes sparkling with interest. Levi wondered what they might possibly be talking about to have both of them shine like streetlamps in his shop.

He walked towards them quietly. He hadn’t seen Hange since that night he had dropped her at home. She hadn’t bothered him either like she had said she would, and Levi didn’t see her on or out of his way to home. No, he _did not_ expect to see her, _goddamn._

Armin noticed him first and tilted his head to greet him. Levi returned the gesture.

“Levi!” Hange said loud enough for all the customers inside the shop to hear. “It’s good to see you again.”

“Don’t shout inside the shop,” Levi warned rather than saying that, _yes, it is good to see you too,_ or, _where the hell have you been?_

“Ups, sorry,” she said despite the fact that she didn’t look like she was near being sorry. “But you have very interesting employees. I might just be kind of _overwhelmed_ with excitement.”

Levi raised a brow and looked at Armin who had seemed to be a pretty much normal guy to him until this point. “What do you mean?”

Armin blushed red as a traffic lamp and smiled nervously. Just then Annie put a carton cup on the counter which saved him from this torment and taking it to his hand Armin extended the cup to Hange. “Your coffee, Hange-san.”

“Ah, thank you.” Hange picked the cup from his hand and turned to Levi. “What I mean is that Armin has so much potential to waste working in a tea shop. No offence by the way.”

“It was kind of rude,” Levi said blankly.

Hange wasn’t listening to him though. She took her phone out of her coat’s pocket -so she did realize in the end that they were actually in winter- and handed it to Armin.

“Give me your phone number, will you?”

“A-aah,” Armin said blushing even more furiously.

“So,” Levi was expecting, like, a more logical explanation. “You came here to steal my employees?”

Hange took a quick sip from her coffee which was probably filtered coffee because it was the only one they had got. “Not exactly, but I was just chatting with Armin when I was waiting for my order and learned that he was actually a biology student.”

“Hange-san, your phone,” Armin interrupted and as Hange took her phone back his whole body stiffened solid as a rock and looked at Levi with wide eyes.

“I don’t mind,” Levi said just as Armin had opened his mouth to presumably apologize. “It’s your life. Do what is best for you.”

“You have a good boss over here Armin,” Hange grinned. “Though nothing is certain right now. I will definitely let you know.”

“What are you planning on doing anyway?”

“I should talk to Erwin first only then I can tell you. Oh, speaking of Erwin…” She looked at her watch quickly. “I am getting late. It was very nice to meet you Armin and Levi sorry about that.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Levi murmured. “Do you want me to drop you at the company?” Levi asked and winced right after. He didn’t even mean to ask.

“I’ll take the bus but thank you.” Hange didn’t appear to find his offer as strange as he did. And after bidding her farewell again she left the shop.

“Boss, I’m…”

“Don’t apologize, Armin,” Levi said not letting him finish his sentence. “You have to make choices for your life. And making choices means taking risks. You should get used to it.”

Annie was watching Armin with caution, but she didn’t make any remarks while Armin was lost in his thoughts. Levi had some suspicions about these two being more than just work buddies, yet he had no proof.

“Thank you, boss.” Armin said at last.

“No problem,” Levi said, and he never sounded sincere, but he was. He was positive that Armin knew that. “Now get back to work brats and give me a damn tea.”

* * *

It was twilight when the dream awoke him in the Saturday night that week. His forehead was wet with sweat and his heart pounded with a weird rhythm, but his face was dry, and he counted it as a win.

He left the bed and took a quick shower. It was goodbye to sleep but there were only a few hours until sunrise anyway. It didn’t matter.

He put on a thick sweatshirt because even the heater was on the inside of the house was a bit cold and went to the kitchen to prepare some tea. While he was waiting for the tea to be steeped, he glanced at his left side as if there should’ve been something.

 _No_ , he thought. _Not something but someone._

After the tea was ready, he put it in a cup and decided to take some fresh air in the balcony. It was most probably freezing cold but the fresh air filling his lungs and the morning wind caressing his face was strangely refreshing.

He shivered a little when he stepped out and took a sip from his tea to warm his insides. Putting his elbows on the railing he looked above. The sky was still dark as ink, but the east side was slowly taking the colour of the early sun. Gradually illuminating the night. The stars were disappearing one by one and Levi noticed that without sacrificing one source of light it was not possible to have another.

“You know,” he heard a voice saying and when he recognized that voice, he was so bewildered that he couldn’t move. “I think I will start looking for some red string somewhere because this is just too much.”

Levi turned his wide-eyed stare to Hange, who was in her own balcony right across from him and there were merely at about two meters between them, blinked a few times and his teacup slipped from his hand shattering into pieces on the ground.

“Fuck,” he hissed.

“Yeah,” Hange said. “Couldn’t agree more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!


	3. a little life with dried tubers

Hange’s balcony, which was about the same size as his own not too big but not too small either, was covered with plants in various sizes. On top of her railing a long, led string light, which Hange had just opened was spreading its yellow light, making the darkness a tone lighter. Levi couldn’t name each of the plants that were extended all over her balcony. Some of the flowers were familiar like daisies, lilies and daffodils. Levi noticed there were also herbs like parsley, basil and dill. Their smells were mixed in the air.

It was a complete disaster.

“You owe me a cup.”

Hange smiled and putting her elbow on top of the railing she rested her cheek on her hand. The scene made his eye twitch, but he successfully ignored it. She looked pretty much like her balcony, wearing a dark green hoodie and a grey cardigan over it. Her hair was tied up as a bun, but it was as messy as it could get. Brown strands covering her face and some of them brushing her shoulders. Her glasses were reflecting the yellow light of the little lamps.

“Isn’t it interesting?”

Levi raised a brow at her question although he had some predictions about what she was talking about.

“You didn’t like me a bit, but here we are balcony neighbours.” Her smile widened to an almost grin.

Levi watched her for a moment silently thinking about the correct way to respond. It wasn’t that he didn’t like her, in fact, after the first steps of seeing her for the first time and that damn pain in his eye were overcome it was almost natural to be with her. The realization had come afterwards when he laid down on his bed that night and went through everything that had happened. How he felt on the dinner table was a complete opposite to the emptiness he had carried that morning. And how he talked to her in the car without having to force himself for a word out of his mouth was unusual for him, but it was easy with her.

“I don’t like meeting with new people in general,” he decided to say at last. “It wasn’t about you.”

Hange let out an excited humm between her lips while her eyes came to life with a new blaze. She put her other elbow on the railing too and intertwined her fingers.

“So, you like me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

She laughed and put her chin on top of her fingers. _There was something so familiar with her_ , Levi had thought from the first moment he saw her. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it though, she was a stranger in the end, and the thought itself was just hollow and foolish. However, as the sound of her laughter flew through his ears, he felt like he had just heard the echo of waves as if they were a distant memory like it had been thousands of years since he had last been to the sea.

“Yet here I am thinking that we might actually get along really well.”

Levi stared down at the broken pieces of white porcelain on the floor down below and then at Hange who was still smiling like it was the easiest thing to do in the world. Maybe it was. “What made you think that?”

“We are both awake,” she replied simply.

And for some reason, it made so much fucking sense.

“I’m gonna get another cup of tea,” he said taking a step back.

“Yeah, good idea, but put on some more clothes too. You might get sick; and then, you know doctors and all.”

She smirked knowingly pointing at his still-damp hair with her finger. Levi considered for a moment if it would worth the annoyance he felt. He would just go in and never come back. It would be easy, maybe it was for the best too.

But _to hell with it_ , why would he pass the chance to fill an empty wall with a painting?

Hence, he merely threw her a very unimpressed look and went inside to get another cup of tea.

* * *

It happened the next day, and the day after and without even meaning to within two weeks this “balcony meetings” became a routine. To say that “it kind of happened” was the correct and only way to put it. They did exchange numbers on the third night, but they never messaged or called each other to “meet” at the balcony. Levi would just get out there to the cold night and Hange would be there in a hoodie a few sizes bigger than her, with her yellow lights on, and a big smile on her face.

Waking up in the dead of night was already a habit of Levi’s yet he never thought he would find himself a companion on those nights. Hange’s sleeping habits were even worse than him. She usually fell asleep on her desk or on her sofa hence naturally a stiff body woke her up every night. Sometimes she wasn’t at home and Levi learned that in those days she was at her laboratory working on her recent research. Levi spent said nights sitting on the balcony all alone and fighting with the noises inside of his head which were even louder than Hange.

He had asked her one night about how exactly she managed to stay in a silent, empty and possibly cold laboratory.

"I mean, I have a futon," she had said like it was the most natural thing one would do. Who didn't have a futon at their workplace after all?

"Still, you're sleeping on the floor."

She had been chewing a cucumber carelessly when she answered, "I barely sleep for three hours anyway."

"And you don't get restless at all?"

"No," she had answered with a full mouth.

He had simply drunk his tea not bothering to question her any further.

They had fallen into a rhythm so easily and effortlessly that it would make one question if they had known each other for years. Talking to Hange did make him feel like he had known her ever since his childhood. Like she had been there from the very beginning but somewhere along the way she had disappeared, now decided to show up again. The whole situation was overall awkward as hell with absolutely no logical reason. He had destroyed his borders and lines with a quick wave of his hand and the weirdest part of it all was the fact that it felt like it was the right thing to do.

Yet Levi didn’t like getting used to things because everything came and went so easy like a wave never staying on the shore long enough. It was impossible to wait for something to last, but he got used to talking to Hange so fast that it was even quicker than that wave receding itself.

However, Levi never talked much, he mostly listened. He had never been too much into talking anyway. Listening to Hange talking most of the time about her research and also literally about everything with such a thrill was soothing in a way. Sometimes Levi thought she shone brighter than the led lights surrounding her balcony.

Since they literally saw the morning together Levi thought that it wouldn’t hurt him to drop her at work. Hange was okay with it but in some mornings, she left when Levi was taking a shower. He figured out that she wasn’t very good at being clean or rather she didn’t really care. Levi had to make her take a bath by threatening her a few times that if she didn’t do so he would go back inside. It worked, at least when she came back her hair would be wrapped in a towel.

However, despite the fact that he did drop her at work he never offered to take her from work. It came to his mind while he was wiping the floors of the shop one evening after he had closed the shop half an hour ago. He was alone and maybe it was the quietness inside that had made him occupied with this “matter”. He kind of hoped so too, he didn’t like to think about any other reason.

When he was done with cleaning the hell out of the shop and therefore got nothing else to busy his brain, Levi made a decision.

His foggy breath filtered through the winter air as white pieces of soft smoke while he locked the shop. The sky was thick with grey, dreary clouds and the moon was lost behind them. The road was wet and although it had stopped raining an hour ago it looked like it was going to rain again.

The digital watch in the screen of his car showed that it was near 11 pm when Levi pulled the car in front of Smith’s Company.

It wasn’t an easy decision to make but Levi had always been ready for the consequences of his choices. Humans didn’t have a vision of the future and when knowing what was going to happen was out of the question, it was a waste of time to dwell too much into picking up a side. And it wasn’t like taking Hange from work was something he would regret. Hopefully.

Levi soon learned where the laboratory was from the receptionist and walked with fast and steady steps towards his aim. Put a long, stone barrier over the irritant thoughts about the possible causes that had brought him here (such as the awkward want to see her in her “natural habitat” that is the laboratory or the want to see how much more luminous her eyes would get while talking in that said “habitat”). Or more dangerous thoughts like (what if she stays here tonight, -another alone sleepless night then-). The barrier wasn’t really working obviously but no one knew about the chaos inside of his head in the end and that was enough. He quickly made a turn to the right then took the elevator to the 10th floor of the building. The doors directly opened to a blinding whiteness of fluorescent lights.

Once his eyes adjusted to the light, he looked around to observe the area. He had never been to a laboratory safe for the boring biology classes in high school. Frankly, this one was no comparison to them, it was huge with long white desks and microscopes with some other complex-looking machines placed on top of them. There were also enormous plants lined up by the window. It smelled like chemicals, powder and hospital. Hange was nowhere to be seen.

A loud, bumping noise interrupted his observation followed by a painful groan. He shifted his attention, muscles tense and listened with caution while scanning the area carefully. Was it a thief? But no thief with enough self-respect would try to rob a laboratory. On a more reasonable note, it might be Hange. The lights were on, indicating that there had been someone in here and most probably still was. And as if confirming his guess, it wasn’t long before he heard a peal of cheerful laughter which he knew very well to whom it belonged.

“Oh God, I keep hitting my head on that door.” Levi thought she was talking to someone at first but when she appeared from behind a closed door, which Levi didn’t notice existed before, she was alone. “I should just use the light,” she murmured, laughing to herself while also massaging her forehead. “I need my brain cells—”

Then she saw Levi.

Hange gasped so loud that even though they had quite a distance between them Levi had heard her clearly. Then stood, frozen on the spot, her bewildered gaze locked on Levi and the fingers on her forehead stiffened like they had forgotten their mission. She was wearing a turtleneck sweater like Levi and a laboratory coat over it.

“I think you should get that checked,” Levi said blankly.

“Levi,” she yelled. “What are you doing here?”

Levi was just wondering the same thing. “I was… passing by,” he lied.

“Huh,” she murmured but she didn’t sound or appeared to be doubtful and put her hand down. There was a slight redness on her skin. “Sorry, I didn’t expect to see you.”

“What were you doing anyway?”

“Ah,” she took a quick glimpse at the door and started walking towards him. “Nothing, I just changed my clothes. It is getting colder.”

Levi had realized that too. “Why don’t you use an air-conditioner?”

“It’s bad for the plants,” she said pointing at them with her head. “So, you’re going home?”

“Yeah,” Levi replied observing her. “You’re not coming?”

She put her hands inside of her pockets and nodded. “I’ve still got work to do. I’ll be here tonight.”

 _Worst case scenario. Great._ He came here for nothing. “You just want to get sick, don’t you?”

She smirked and shrugged recklessly. “Don’t worry, I am used to it.”

“Who said I’m worrying?” Levi turned around accepting his fate and lifted his hand to press the button of the elevator. “Have a good night in your cold laboratory.”

But just as his finger were above the button Hange called, “Wait!” Her hand landed on his shoulder, gripping tightly until Levi threw it a questioning stare.

She pulled her hand back hastily and Levi continued to watch her from his shoulder hoping for an explanation. The fluorescent lights danced inside of her eyes, giving it a lighter tone. She raised her brows while she asked, “Why don’t you stay here tonight?”

His heart changed its rhythm to an unstable pound and Levi thought it must’ve been something about the air, the chemicals and all. “Why would I do that?”

“I… really don’t have any idea,” Hange answered and laughed a little to herself. “But I have a spare futon. And I can promise you won’t be dead until the morning.”

“That’s very reassuring.”

She shrugged; her ponytail slipped from her shoulder. “I mean you’ve been nagging me about how I stayed here for almost three weeks. You can see for yourself.”

“I wasn’t _nagging_ you,” Levi said as he turned to face her. “I simply _asked_.”

“Okay,” she accepted rather than taking the discussion any further. “So, what’s your answer?”

 _No,_ he should’ve just said no and left. He didn’t have to stay. He came here for a purpose and well he couldn’t do that at the moment then there was no reason to linger here any longer. Hange watched him curiously, her eyes scanning his face for a hint, and Levi didn’t know if it was his imagination, but he saw the traces of hope there hidden behind, barely visible. Even if it was his imagination, or merely his fabrication, Levi knew that he didn’t have the will to turn back and leave just like that.

“Show me the futon first,” he said tone flat. “I have to see if it’s clean.”

She looked a little taken aback, lips parting slightly and blinked her eyes a few times. It was as if she was expecting Levi to say that it was a joke. When Levi did no such thing she puffed and laughed loudly.

“Alright, clean-freak. Follow me.”

* * *

It was almost 1.30 in the morning when Hange boiled some water to make him a cup of tea and herself coffee. After they had checked the futon, which was rather clean Levi was surprised, Hange worked by herself and Levi answered his emails from her laptop. To be honest Levi didn’t really see the jest of staying in a bleak, deadly silent laboratory. The only things that were alive apart from them were the plants by the window which were fancied by Hange quite a lot. Levi had witnessed her talking to them with quiet whispers, touching their leaves tenderly and smiling fondly at their giant bodies. Levi found it pretty ridiculous but hid his silent “tch” behind the laptop screen.

After she placed the cups on the desk, she sat down in the chair beside him. They drank for a few minutes in silence. Levi looked for something to say. They somehow found a topic albeit nonsense on their nights at the balcony. It wasn’t them, though, it was mostly Hange.

But she didn’t look like she was in the mood for speaking today while she yawned loudly and put her head on top her arm on the desk. Levi realized that he had never seen her tired but then again she would be newly awake from a nap so it was normal.

“Aaah, it has been such a long day,” she complained. “A week, in fact.”

“It’s Wednesday. It hasn’t been a week.” Levi corrected watching her with blank eyes.

Hange lifted her head, sounding surprised. “Wait, really?”

“Aah,” he said but then looked at his watch. “It is Thursday now though.”

Hange hummed thoughtfully and took a sip from her coffee. Her gaze was lost on something only she knew, her glasses slipping a little down on top of her nose, her eyelashes seemed longer from her side. His right eye started to build an ache again but clenching his teeth together he tried to act like it wasn’t there.

“How’s Armin doing?” He asked deciding to change to subject.

“Hmm?” She murmured and looked at him and although gradually understood what he had asked she said, “Ah, yeah Armin. He is great and very clever and has got a lot of potentials. This is a nice opportunity for him to improve himself.”

“Good.” He took the last sip from his tea.

“Have you found someone to replace him?”

“Not yet,” Levi answered gloomily. “Annie and I are covering things up for now.”

She hummed understandingly. “Do you have someone in your mind?”

Levi glanced at her sideways and saw her resting her head in her palm. “Armin suggested a friend of his.”

“You don’t look very happy about it,” Hange commented with a hint of a smile in her voice.

His lips twitched with abhorrence. “I know her, she is a gloomy and a grumpy brat but my best option for the time being.”

“Hoo,” the playful tone in her voice seemed to be increasing with Levi’s annoyance. “Sounds like someone I know.” Levi threw her a very dirty look and she grinned unaffected. “What’s her name?”

“Mikasa,” Levi said with a dreadful tone.

Hange let out a laugh. “Levi! Don’t be so prejudiced against her. Just give her a chance first. Kids need someone to teach them.”

“I don’t think she can be educated,” Levi said matter of fact.

Hange was laughing so hard she had to rest her forehead on the desk. His stomach felt like it was crashing down with a heavy stone, and he did not know nor understood why but his throat felt tight while her laughter filled his ears, his chest and his mind.

“I’m sorry,” she said after she pulled herself together and wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes. “But you just looked so disgusted it was hilarious.”

“Good to see you’re enjoying my torment,” Levi said blankly.

She laughed again a little. “You should’ve seen your face.”

Levi didn’t say anything in return and soon after Hange stretched her long arms and said, “Let’s sleep a little.”

They turned the lights of the laboratory off and Levi used his phone’s flashlight for them to find the door Hange had crashed her forehead earlier against. Levi had learned when Hange showed her the futon that behind that door there was a closet and it barely had any room for two futons, but they had to manage some way or another.

Hange laid them on the ground while Levi took his jacket and shoes off. It wasn’t going to be the most comfortable night of his life but for some reason, Levi thought that it didn’t really matter.

“Your bed is ready, Your Highness,” Hange gestured at the crumpled futon on the floor dramatically with her arm.

Levi simply _tched_ and stepped on the one he was going to use which was comparably cleaner. Hange took her white coat off and turned the lights off before joining Levi on the floor.

They lied side by side watching the black ceiling without speaking a word. Levi put his right arm under his head and listened to her soft, steady breaths. A sense so strange to him walked tiptoe on the surface of his skin, making the hair on his back to stand on end. She smelled like the laboratory, but a fresh mint odour was rising from her hair. It filled his lungs like a thin, blurry smoke and wrapped around his ribcage. The smell awakened a sense of familiarity which made the throbbing in his eye grow heavier.

“You never told me about the reason why you sleep so little,” Hange whispered. Levi knew she wouldn’t be able to stay quiet for long. It was against her nature.

Yet he didn’t expect her to ask this question either. And after almost a minute’s consideration, he decided that she was right. “I am just seeing nonsensical bullshit,” he said trying to make the matter as insignificant as possible. “It’s all.”

He heard some shifting and although he sensed her watching him, he didn’t look at her. “Nightmares?”

“Not all of them are nightmares and I think they are connected somehow,” Levi said honestly. “And I don’t remember a shit.”

“Really?” She asked the bewilderment visible in her voice.

“Aah.”

“Nothing at all?”

At that, he turned his face to her, but it was so dark to see her features. “Nothing at all.”

“Weird,” she whispered again. “Do you know at least if you are seeing someone or something?”

“Are you asking as a scientist or just out of curiosity?” Levi asked.

“Both,” she said and Levi practically heard the grin in her voice.

Levi just sighed and turned to watch the dark ceiling again. “I think I’m seeing someone,” he said and it shocked even him. He never talked about this to anyone before, but he realized and accepted very hard that he in fact trusted Hange about it.

“Male or female?”

Levi noticed that she was forcing him to edge to see how far he can go and he let her do so.

“Female,” he replied openly. “A woman.”

“Seriously?” She had sounded even more surprised than before which made Levi look at her again.

“Why are you so surprised?” He asked suspiciously.

“It’s nothing, I mean…”

“Just say it already, Hange.” Levi insisted.

There was a pause for a few seconds before Hange said, “I thought you weren’t into women.”

Now it was Levi’s turn to be surprised. His eyes widened in the dark and he glared at her face which he couldn’t exactly see. “Why would you think that.”

“When we first met at Erwin’s house, you didn’t want me to touch you, remember?”

Of course, Levi remembered how could he ever forget? “And what about it?”

“Well, you didn’t want me to touch you, but you were okay with Mike and Erwin doing so?”

Levi was silent with bewilderment for precisely five seconds before he said, “That’s a very shitty reasoning.”

“I don’t think so, Levi. You were very rude to me you know.”

“You are a genius; you should’ve known better.”

“Alright, my bad,” she said dropping the subject. “So, going back the woman in your dreams, that’s very romantic by the way.”

It should've been illegal for someone to be maddingly annoying and also ironically easy to be with. Levi grunted, “Just shut up already.”

“I most certainly cannot.”

He sighed and dropped his arm over his eyes. “I am going to fucking sleep.”

Several blissful minutes passed in which Levi very naively thought that she actually gave up and went to sleep. _As if._

“You know there is this theory of the humans living different lifetimes.”

Levi didn’t plan on answering her at first but what she had said drew his attention. “You mean reincarnation?”

“Something like that,” she replied thoughtfully. “If you’re constantly seeing this woman in your dreams and if we take the chance of you having lived another life before…”

“That’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said,” Levi said plainly. And Hange had said pretty unreasonable things.

“No, hear me out,” she said and Levi heard the excitement clear in her voice. “This woman must be or rather must have been a really important person for you.”

Levi lifted his arm from over his eyes and turned his eyes towards her. Her face was closer, Levi could feel the excited tension spreading from her body, and her cold breath on his face. His heart paused for a second to continue pounding even faster. There must have been something wrong with it. Maybe he should’ve really seen a doctor.

“I don’t even remember her face or name,” Levi replied while his eyes trying to distinguish the lines of her hair.

“But—”

“Drop it,” Levi said with an unyielding voice indicating that he wasn’t going to talk any more on this matter. “Go to sleep, Hange.”

She stayed there, close to him, their breaths mixed with each other. Levi thought for a second that she wasn’t going to listen to him and insist on further yet she pulled away not long after and sighed. “Okay,” she said her voice a whisper. “Good night, Levi.”

She turned her back to him and he turned his body to her back. Then lied there for a good while staring at her and circling everything she had said to him in his head before finally going to sleep himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! ^^


	4. i knew nothing; looking into the heart of light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter title is again from The Waste Land but from now on the titles will be random lines from the poem so unlike the first three ones they will be separate from each other  
> also I want to leave the passage from which I've chosen the line here because it's just so beautiful  
> "Yet when we came back, late from the Hyacinth garden,  
> Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not  
> Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither  
> Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,  
> Looking into the heart of light, the silence."

Levi blinked his eyes open the next morning to a semi-darkness. It took some time for his brain to comprehend where he was lying and what time it was. When the memories of last night loomed before his eyes his head directly turn to his left and met with an empty floor. The futon Hange had slept in last night was folded up in the corner. Scowling, he glanced at his watch. It was almost 7 am. His eyebrows shot up with surprise. That was very unusual.

Deciding that just lying here would do him no good, he got up and wore his shoes and his jacket which he had hanged on the door handle last night. Then folded up the futon and put it beside the other one in the corner. The only light source inside the closet was the small and round window. It didn’t do much to sheerly illuminate the closet, but he did open the door without bumping his forehead against it. _Idiot,_ he thought to himself remembering yesterday night.

When he stepped outside the closet, he saw that Hange was once more talking but not to herself this time. Her back was facing him. She was wearing the white lab coat again. There was a blond man standing in front of her, looking rather serious while he watched Hange with a frown. Levi didn’t know the man, but he started to walk closer to them to find out who he was.

“Hange-san, I told you not to stay here without letting me know,” the man talked with a tone of respect evident in his voice, although being a little commanding in attitude.

“I totally forgot,” replied Hange without a trace of remorse in her voice.

“You shouldn’t stay here alone,” the man continued. “You don’t take care of yourself enough.”

Levi raised a brow. What was he exactly to talk in such a manner to Hange? He looked like a co-worker and probably a subordinate too. Yet Levi found his behaviours weird. Though he agreed about the fact that Hange not taking care of herself. It was clear as daylight.

Sighing, Hange reached behind her head and pulled the hair tie from her messy hair. “Sorry Moblit,” she said while tying her hair up as a more proper ponytail again. Levi tried not to dwell too much about the way her brown hair fell off just slightly down her shoulders. “I wasn’t alone anyway. Levi was with me. He is back there, sleeping—”

Her sentence was cut short when Levi who had already come to stand several centimetres behind her, grabbed her newly made ponytail and turned her face to him.

“I’m here.”

The act was impulsive, to say the least like his arm had a mind of its own. Yet, it caused thunders roaring inside of his head. Electricity bolted through his veins, a sharp pain crossed his eye up and down. His eyes widened and his heart skipped so fast it echoed deafeningly loud in his ears.

Hange’s gaze in return was as shocked as he was and when he pulled his hand back finally, her surprised expression protected itself for quite a while before she laughed nervously. “I’ve just had the weirdest Deja-vu of my life.”

So, she did feel something was weird too? What did it even mean? Though, Levi himself wasn’t sure about what the hell had happened. It was as fast as a bullet leaving its nest. Everything accrued between pulling the trigger and hitting the target was all a pile of unknown blurriness.

“Moblit, you can start making the preparations.” Hearing Hange’s voice Levi snapped out of the confused mess that was his mind and focused his attention on her again. “I’ll be with you in a second.”

“Of course,” Moblit obeyed and looked at Levi, probably out of his manners, and bowed his head awkwardly.

Levi returned the gesture, simply because he was in no mood to talk, and watched him walk away to go behind the long desk.

“Sorry, I have nothing to give you as breakfast,” Hange said regretfully, turning to him. “And I should join Moblit now.”

Levi shifted his gaze to her. “It’s okay. I can eat at the shop,” he said. “Don’t forget to eat something yourself.”

Hange fake gasped and put her hand over her heart dramatically. “I knew you cared.”

“I don’t anymore.”

At that, she laughed shortly. “Thank you, for staying last night.”

“Yeah,” Levi grunted. “Whatever. I didn’t stay for you. I was just too lazy to go back home.”

“Laziness is not a word I would use for you,” Hange said with a playful tone.

“You should just stop talking,” Levi said coldly looking at her with firm eyes.

They heard the “dink” sound of the elevator just when Hange opened her mouth to say another thing that would most probably annoy him. Her eyes slipped to the opening doors of the elevator from which a slender boy with pink powder coloured hair and deadly looking eyes showed up. Hange literally lightened up upon his appearance and met with the boy in the halfway.

“Jean-boy!” she shouted happily and wrapped her bony arm around his neck. “Where have you been? I haven’t seen you for weeks.”

The boy -Jean- had a look of having been so damn sick of his life to which Levi could relate to a great extent. He didn’t show any reaction against Hange’s excitement but did nothing to get away from her either.

“It has been only two days, Hange-san,” he said voice rough and weary. “And we talked yesterday on the phone.”

“It doesn’t count,” Hange objected. “Were you sick? Are you okay now?”

“As I said yesterday,” Jean sighed. “I am okay Hange-san. Guess, I’ve just overworked myself.”

“Oh, noo,” Hange whined looking depressed for real. “Was it about me? Did I force you? Did you get sick because of that experiment I told you to do?”

The boy seemed to be in real pain. “No, it wasn’t about you,” and seeing that Hange wasn’t going to believe him he added hastily. “I swear it wasn’t about you.”

“Hmm,” Hange murmured suspiciously, narrowing her eyes. Then got her face closer to Jean and observed his features cautiously as if she was investigating a serious case. Jean looked nervous as hell. Levi couldn’t help but feel a little pity towards him.

“Is it,” Hange started murmuring. “Are you in love? And… don’t tell me. Is it unrequited?”

Jean, who looked like he would rather be in a shit hole than here, flushed pink from his ears to his neck so hard he almost became one with his hair. His eyes widened, and he took a breath which seemed to be stuck somewhere in his throat rather than going down to where it belonged. “N-n-no-no-no,” he stuttered miserably. “I’m not, no, Hange-san. Please, it’s not, it’s nothing like that. I was just sick—”

He was doing a good job convincing Hange, who looked like a lion found its prey unprotective and out in the open. “Oh,” she merely said and grinned.

“Please don’t look at me like that,” he pleaded, looking downright forlorn.

Hange threw her head back and laughed. Clearly, she was taking great pleasure from seeing the poor boy suffering. “Calm down. I was just joking.”

The boy didn’t seem to be calming down a bit when Hange patted his back reassuringly. Levi had watched the whole thing silently, hoping he wouldn’t need to participate in any way possible, but Hange had other plans.

“This is Armin’s former boss, Levi,” she said gesturing at Levi with her arm. “And this is Jean. Chemistry student. He is here for an internship like Armin and they are from the same university.”

“Nice to meet you, ah, sir,” he had said the last word hesitantly. He was most probably intimidated by Levi’s stare. “Armin told me a lot about you.”

“Did he now?” Levi said coldly. He knew Armin was a good kid though and was sure he had said nothing bad about him.

“Good things, of course,” Jean added quickly and gulped nervously. Then seemingly not being able to respond to Levi’s heavy gaze anymore, turned to Hange. “Hange-san, what do you need me to do?” He did sound like he was desperate to get away from here as soon as possible. Levi didn’t blame him.

“Go help Moblit for now,” Hange said emancipating him and Jean listened eagerly before bowing his head to Levi and left with quick steps.

“Don’t be so rude against the kids,” Hange suggested walking close to him. “He almost passed out.”

“You’re telling me that?” Levi asked raising his brows. “The boy nearly got a heart attack over there, Hange.”

“Ahah, I know.” She adjusted her glasses smiling fondly at Jean. “But it’s funny to tease him.”

Levi hummed and watched the soft smile on her face for just a few seconds before saying, “I should go now.”

“Yeah, sure.” The smile turned to him, but the fondness was replaced with kindness instead. “See you on the balcony tonight.”

“You sure will.” He walked past her to the elevator. “Later, Hange.”

The doors opened, Levi stepped in, pressed the lobby button and ignored the unwarranted soreness that had surfaced in his heart.

* * *

“Listen to me you brats,” Levi spatted with a twitch of his mouth. “You are deterring my customers.”

It was 8.36 in the morning and Levi hadn’t yet opened the shop to talk to his beloved employees. Annie and Mikasa were standing in the middle of his office, both had a black apron tied around their waists and they were both sulking like their miserable lives depended on it.

“I am telling you this one more time,” he continued patiently. “Do not look at them as if they have just killed your parents. Fucking smile.”

“This isn’t very convincing coming from you,” replied Mikasa coldly.

She had been working with Levi for a week now and it had been giving Levi actual fucking headaches just looking at her face. Annie was no different but at least with Armin her sour face was not that much of a problem. Now with Mikasa it was a total nightmare. It wasn’t helping that Levi was no different either. At the times when he went downstairs to help, the three of them stood behind the counter like they fell straight from Hell to raise chaos in the earth. Well, people didn’t like that.

“Mikasa, you are the waitress here. I am not,” he replied trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible. “It is your job.”

“I don’t think people would like it if I smiled,” Annie said cutting in. Levi looked at her and tried to imagine her smiling. It didn’t work.

“Then try not to look at them as if you have just been sentenced to death.”

“This is my face,” she replied matter of fact.

A muscle moved in his eye. “Thanks for your input. I didn’t fucking know.”

“Why don’t you find someone who can smile then?” Mikasa asked folding her arms together. Her grey eyes blank and straight. She wasn’t wearing the red scarf she had been until a year ago.

It wasn’t like Levi didn’t think about it, but he couldn’t trust young people easily about taking their job seriously, Hange was very different from him on this matter now that he thought about it. And although being a gloomy and cocky brat Mikasa was good at her job. And he knew her for a long time.

“Now you’re teaching me how to do my job?”

She didn’t give him an answer rather than taking her flat gaze away from him. This wasn’t working at all, but he hadn’t had any hopes anyway. And he wasn’t really the one to preach about smiling. He didn’t even remember how it was done. Maybe they could get some help from Hange.

“I have a friend.” Mikasa interrupted his thoughts, her eyes on him again. “I can ask her if she wants to work here.”

Levi didn’t really trust her on this, but he could give it a shot. “Alright.”

“But you won’t fire me,” she added. “I need money.”

“Me too,” Annie said with a voice so straight that Levi wasn’t sure if she wanted to stay. He never was though when it came to her.

“I won’t fire either of you.” An extra waitress wouldn’t hurt. He would have more time for the paperwork. Maybe he should start thinking about expanding the shop.

“Get back to work now,” he said and dismissed them with a wave of his hand.

The rest of the day passed by slow like the hot, sweltering summer wind. Every now and then Levi went down to check the number of customers inside. It wasn’t that bad; the tables were still pretty much full and the sound of the people chattering was quite evident. Levi stayed for some time more as a threat than to help Annie and Mikasa who had both softened their stone-carved faces a little upon seeing him.

Still, he had built a heavy headache at the end of the day. After Mikasa and Annie left, Levi cleaned the floors thoroughly but was too tired to do anything more and by the time he was done, it was near 9 pm. The road to home seemed so far away even by car. Just taking the bus sounded like a better option or simply sleeping upstairs on the couch in his office.

But, well he knew he couldn’t do either. He couldn’t leave the car here for one thing. It was a pain in the ass to take the bus in the mornings. It would be crowded as hell, which was something Levi truly, sincerely despised. And he couldn’t stay here for obvious reasons. The couch wasn’t comfortable. Not that he would miss a balcony meeting with a certain scientist.

After he made sure there was nothing more to do, he wore his coat, turned the lights off and changed the sign on the door from “open” to “closed”. Then, he opened the door but just as he did so and stepped outside something crashed against his chest.

Levi stared at that something, which turned out to be _someone_ instead, dumbfounded and under the yellow light of the streetlamps he saw that it was Hange.

“Ouch, sorry,” she said smiling. Her hand was on his shoulder probably as a result of them bumping into each other and she was closer than she should’ve.

“Hange,” Levi asked frowning. “What are you doing here?”

She blinked her eyes behind her glasses like the reason was obvious. “I was just coming in for a coffee.”

“We’re closed,” Levi said voice cold, but he didn’t pull back, he didn’t even move in fact. His hand was still holding the handle of the door which was ajar. They were nearly at the same height and it was easy to look straight into her eyes which were darker under the limited light. “You are late.”

“Actually, I’ve finished early tonight. I thought I could catch you.” Hange didn’t step back, and her hand continued to rest on his shoulder. It wasn’t that he was complaining, but he couldn’t say the same for his heart.

“You did.”

She hummed nodding her head. “But I’ve missed the coffee.”

An idea occurred inside of his head like the fire of a match. It would be harmless and useful if used to light a candle, but it might also be dangerous if it slipped and fell into a pile of paper. Levi decided to take the risk.

“I’ll make your coffee at home.”

Her eyebrows shot upright. Since the night at the laboratory one and a half weeks ago some things had changed albeit not very clear between them. It was as small as pushing a wardrobe merely two centimetres away, but it was there. Even so, they had never invited each other to their houses. The meetings at the balcony continued and sometimes Levi took Hange from work too but that was all. This was crossing another boundary yet again, and it didn’t even surprise him to see that this fact wasn’t bothering him at all.

“I think,” Hange started and white steam rose from her mouth and mixed the air as she exhaled. The fingers on his shoulder stiffened but it was barely sensible. “I think that’s a good idea.”

“Yeah,” Levi agreed not taking his eyes away from her. Then pulled the door handle to close the door which made him take a step closer to Hange. Her hold tightened maybe uncontrollably but it was hard to read anything from her face. He could smell the chemicals and mint circulating her. Levi wanted, so very improperly, to take one more step closer to breathe it more clearly, to watch the reflection of the lights of the streetlamps, the stars, the moon and the fire that was more internal and belonged to her only and the way they danced inside of her eyes. He wanted to see how she made it so simple and so effortless and to trace the lines of her face, from her eyebrows to her lips.

He realized then that he simply wanted so many things, so very inappropriate things and this wasn’t the time nor the place for any of them. Like seriously they were in front of his tea shop, in the middle of a street where people still walked by occasionally. His other hand folded as a fist and he took a half step back. “Wait by the car. I’ll lock the door.”

“Yeah, that’s—” she nodded her head repeatedly seemingly more to herself than to him. Then simply said, “Yeah,” again and withdrawing her hand walked away to Levi’s car.

Levi turned around and took the keys out of his pocket. The coldness of the wind blended with the hotness of his breaths and created a mist. He wanted his brain to be full of that fog and to hinder each and every thought that had born a minute before. In the end, he merely locked the door firmly then walked up to Hange.

He drove back home silently. Even Hange didn’t speak. Yet her fingers drummed on her knees restlessly. Levi glanced at her occasionally from the corner of his eyes but didn’t see her turning her head away from the window she was looking through. The awkward tension inside the car made him uneasy but he tried not to think too much into it.

“I feel like I’m going to step into a king’s chamber,” Hange said when Levi was using the key to open the door to his apartment.

“Tch.” Levi pushed the door open and took his shoes off. “Just try not to make a mess inside.”

“Of course, my King,” Hange replied with a serious tone while taking her shoes off.

Levi rolled his eyes and stepped inside. Hange followed and closed the door behind her. They took their coats off and Levi hung them. Her eyes observed the house while they walked further inside to the bathroom. She looked like she had just fallen into a rabbit hole and opened a mysterious door to a magic forest.

“I knew your house was going to be clean like a new-born, but…”

“A new-born is not clean,” Levi objected while he opened the door to the bathroom and stepped closer to the sink to wash his hands.

“I meant like, you know, being innocent and all that.” Hange walked beside Levi and pushed him a little aside then squeezed some soup on the centre of her hand.

“You need to work on metaphors,” Levi said finishing his work and dried his hands with a towel.

“Well, I’m not a poet.” She extended her hands towards him for the towel and Levi threw it to her face which caused her hair to scatter wildly. She caught it and gave Levi an unimpressed stare. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Levi replied sarcastically and walked out of the bathroom to go to the kitchen. He put some water into the kettle and turned it on. A few seconds later Hange came inside and sat down on a chair to wait.

After her coffee and his tea were ready Levi give her cup to Hange. “Let’s go to the living room,” he said trying not to sound too tired. His head was killing him.

“Okay.” She got up from her chair to follow Levi to the living room.

Levi’s living room was simple with two sofas and a single chair in front of the window beside a mini library. There was a television he sometimes used to watch shitty TV shows or sitcoms at which he barely even smiled or sometimes a film if it drew his attention. There was no decoration except for a wall watch above the threshold and a coffee table in the middle.

They sat at the sofa right across the television, but he didn’t turn it on. He was in no mood to handle any redundant noise.

“Are you okay?” Hange asked. She was sitting cross-legged, like the time he had first seen her, holding the cup in both hands. Her hair was chaos and there was a coffee stain on the collar of her sweater, but hearing her voice and having her this close was relaxing in a way. Like she was exactly where she needed to be. With her ridiculous glasses and big, curious eyes.

“Just tired,” said Levi taking his eyes away. “That two damn brats are giving me a headache every day.”

“Annie and Mikasa?” Hange asked and when Levi confirmed with his head she continued, “What they have done?”

“It’s nothing they had done.” Levi took a sip hoping it would calm his nerves. “It’s something they won’t do.”

“Oh?” Her voice sounded very interested in the matter. “And what is it?”

Levi leaned back against the back of the sofa. “They don’t smile,” he said irritated.

“They don’t—” This time sounded hoarse like she was holding back her laughter which made Levi turn his irritated stare to her. Her eyes were shining bright with playfulness.

“What?” He asked sharply.

“Levi,” she started but obviously not being able to hold back any longer she puffed a laugh. “You—” She then started to laugh uncontrollably and had to put the cap on the coffee table for it to not spill on her.

“What the hell are you laughing at?”

“Nothing it’s just…” However, she wasn’t able to finish her sentence while she threw her head back to laugh even harder.

“I will throw your ass to your fucking balcony,” Levi grunted with discontent.

“I’m sorry,” she took deep breaths to calm herself. “It’s just… I’ve tried to imagine you telling them to smile. Did you do that for real?”

“Yes,” he said truthfully.

“Oh my God.” Another wave of laughter, Levi just looked away and sipped from his tea trying not to feel too annoyed.

“You, Levi Ackerman, I didn’t even see you grin or smirk but you’re telling kids to smile?” She asked sounding bewildered when she pulled herself together.

“It was necessary. I’m losing customers,” Levi said tone flat.

“That’s amazing,” she said wiping a tear away with her finger. “Man, I wish I could witness that conversation.”

Levi didn’t answer, he knew she had every right to make fun of this matter. It was indeed very ironic but well, it wasn’t like he had any other choices. Maybe he should really ask for some advice. But then that would be like serving himself to be made fun of on a gold tray. He had had enough for today, thank you very much.

He heard shifting from his side and felt that she moved closer. His muscles tensed instinctively, remembering the thoughts that had belonged to half an hour ago. His fingers holding the cup stiffened. He looked at her sideways.

“Don’t be mad,” she said smiling and reached for her cup on the coffee table.

“I’m not.”

She took a sip and appeared to be lost on her thoughts for a second. “I wonder though.”

Levi didn’t understand what she was talking about so just waited quietly rather than interfering. It wasn’t long before suddenly she looked up at him with determination in her eyes.

“Why don’t you try it?”

Levi had a bad feeling about this. “Try what?”

“Smiling,” she replied while she rose her eyebrows expectantly.

“No way in hell,” he objected directly.

“Come on, Levi,” she insisted leaning with her upper body to his personal space. “I want to see it.”

“You can’t.”

“But why?”

Finally, he turned his face to her properly. She was indeed very close, closer than she had been in front of the tea shop. His heart was getting louder and louder like a drummer hitting the drums, slowly raising the rhythm. He watched that fire inside of her eyes like he had wanted to before. Watched the flames rising, falling and fluttering and the shadow of her eyelashes on her cheekbones, behind that stupid glasses.

Then, his gaze travelled down. It was like remembering an old memory, tracing a painting with his fingers and recalling how it was done. The stroke of the brush, the faint redness on her cheeks, the rough surface of the canvas, the shape of her nose, the colour of fall and sunset and the curve of her lips.

Levi heard the sharp inhale coming from her and her lips parted slightly. He didn’t have much experience on these occasions, but he felt like it was a good sign. This was simply throwing the match to the pile of paper. Letting it set the whole place on fire. And he wasn’t a man to act on impulse, with primitive desires which weren’t even permanent. But this was different. She was different. And Levi hadn’t been the same person he knew he was from the moment Hange Zoe entered his life.

He leaned in just a little. It was barely visible and barely there. But the intention was clear. He thought just for a second if he would regret it later but quickly dismissed it. He really didn’t believe that he would.

But well, as it turned out he didn’t have to worry about that.

Hange gasped loudly, and Levi thought for a moment that she was going to choke on her own breath. Then pulled back so fast that her coffee spilled from the cup she had been holding and it fell off on the sofa and on Hange’s black trousers.

“Shit,” she hissed, and Levi was more surprised to hear that she cursed than to the mess on his sofa. She put the cup back on the table and pulled her trousers up from the place the coffee had been spilled.

“Are you burnt?” Levi asked seemingly his brain hadn’t yet comprehended the idea that his poor sofa was another victim here.

“No, it wasn’t that hot,” she said and realized the other victim and her face changed with regret. “Oh, shit. I’m so sorry, Levi.” Then sighed wearily. “So much for promising not to make a mess inside.”

Levi was still trying to progress what the fuck had just happened and probably that was the reason why he snorted at her words without even noticing that he did and said, quite accurately, “Fucking hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed. Comments are very very much appreciated. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	5. the awful daring of a moment's surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I highly recommend you to listen to Alps by Novo Amor while reading. I did so while writing, It's really good

It was Monday the next week and a blonde, short and big, blue-eyed girl was standing in front of his desk. She was smiling at him. Her hands were clasped together. Her hair was shining, her eyes were sparkling, and it was basically as if the sun itself decided to take the human shape and pay Levi a visit on his office.

He raised a brow at Mikasa who at the moment was standing there next to the blonde girl and was looking damn proud of herself.

“This is Historia,” she explained as she put her hands on the girl’s shoulders. “She can smile.”

Levi stared back at Historia and saw that her smile grew even bigger. He almost narrowed his eyes at how awfully _bright_ she was. His eyes were already burning with lack of sleep and exhaustion, plus now obviously being directly exposed to the goddamn sun itself.

“Nice to meet you, sir,” she said with a voice so sweet he almost grimaced. “I’m looking forward to—”

“You’re hired,” Levi said cutting her sentence in half. “Mikasa, you are responsible for showing her what to do.”

Mikasa nodded, surprisingly not objecting. Historia seemed to be a little in awe of how fast the things had progressed but made no comment except for a single “Thank you.” Hence, they left, and Levi was alone with the blissful silence once again. He was glad that Mikasa didn’t disappoint him. Honestly, Historia was even above the expectation. At least now he was relieved at having solved a problem.

His phone vibrated on his desk while he was taking a sip from his tea. It was a text message from Erwin which said, _lunch together?_

Levi simply texted back, _Ok._ And got up from his chair to leave the office.

* * *

“So,” Erwin said while dropping his fork next to his plate elegantly. “I see you are getting along really well with Hange.”

It almost made Levi cough a mouthful of tea on the table, but he controlled himself. “Where did you get that impression from?”

Erwin leaned back in his chair, his blue eyes shining with the rays of the sun coming through the window. “She talks a lot about you.”

Levi couldn’t stop the curiosity raising inside him but tried not to reflect it in his voice. “Is that so?”

“Yes,” Erwin said holding the teacup. “She says you are very funny.”

Levi raised his brows with surprise. Erwin put his cup back down after taking a sip and held his fork again. “I know right?” He said realizing his expression. “I would be less surprised to hear that you were a problematic and grumpy bastard with no sense of humour whatsoever.”

“Erwin,” Levi started, looking at him with blank eyes. “If you have a problem with me just say that to my face, you coward.”

“Of course I don’t have a problem with you,” he replied after swallowing his bite.

“Really?” Levi did not take any of that shit. “Are you still bitter about what I’ve said to you five damn years ago?”

Erwin drunk from his cup calmly. “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Levi narrowed his eyes. “Of course you are,” he hissed. “You are a grown-ass man. Get your shit together.”

Erwin used the tissue on the table to carefully wipe his mouth. “It’s hard not to be bitter when your best friend told you, I quote,” he changed the tone of his voice to a terribly close one to Levi’s own. “Give up on your dream and die.’”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Levi asked looking at him with wide, shocked eyes. “As I’ve said millions of times before, I was just messing with you, I wasn’t even serious. For fuck’s sake, Erwin.”

Erwin was a serious, and calm man in general. He always had been since Levi had first met him which was six or seven years ago at the university. He had a façade under which so few people see. And Levi was one of them.

“I was trying to be the CEO of my father’s company, and you had basically told me to die, Levi. It was offensive.”

“You were being a goddamn child about it just because your father didn’t let you.”

“It was my dream,” Erwin said voice straight as if stating a fact. “Not that you cared.”

“Fuck you.”

* * *

Levi’s breaths return to normal gradually and slowly while gentle fingers run through his hair gingerly. The throbbing in his head comes to an end leaving only the faint traces behind and he presses his forehead against her abdomen. Her fingers caress his undercut tenderly.

“Are you better now?” She asks voice quiet, kind and soft unlike the commander that she is, and unlike how it had been throughout the whole day, steady, firm and deep.

Levi hums confirmative but doesn’t move to lift his head up from her lap. He very likely doesn’t deserve to relax like that, even at five o’clock in the morning when a nightmare had woken him up from a very short nap. He hadn’t expected to see her here among all that burden upon her shoulders, it’s a miracle to find a minute’s emptiness.

Her hand continues to travel up and down his nape and through his sweat-damp hair. It almost lulls him back to sleep, but he thinks he has got his share of sleeping enough for today.

“Sleep a little more,” she whispers. “I’ll wake you up in an hour.”

“Don’t you have work to do?” Levi asks voice hoarse for his mouth is pressed on her clothes.

“I do,” she says, and he hears the words that are hidden and unsaid behind that two simple syllables _but I’m tired._ She never says it aloud to him. Like she is afraid that it might renounce her from her goal if she hears it often enough.

“You should sleep too,” he says instead of her because he knows that these days, she sleeps even less than him.

She sighs and leans down to kiss his hair. “I’ll sleep later.”

He frowns and pulling his head back looks at her in the eyes. Her only eye visible from behind her glasses looks downright exhausted. The black shadows under her eye are worse than they were two days ago.

“If you have enough time to wait for me to sleep, you might as well sleep too,” Levi states with a slight annoyance in his voice. He hates to see her like this.

“We might oversleep, we are both tired.” Hange objects and moves her hand so that her thumb now traces the line of his brows, straightening them again. “You know they are always waiting for us to make a mistake. I can’t give them an excuse.”

“You are fucking exhausting yourself. It won’t be good for you to overwork yourself to death either.”

“I don’t think that would upset them,” Hange gives him a half-smile with one corner of her lips.

“Bastards,” Levi grunts.

Her smile is almost fond for a while, watching him and then her gaze turns away to look through the window. “You know,” she says voice pensive and continues a second later. “I think my time has come.”

“What the hell does that even mean?” He asks but his voice is distant even to his own ears. Like he is drowning but there is no water to suffocate him, yet he cannot breathe, and he cannot speak either. Hange gets blurry like she is fading away slowly. And Levi realizes horribly that if he is to reach and touch her, he cannot. The realization hits hard like a bullet and fear spreads throughout his body, from head to toe. He only, helplessly watches her disappear in front of his eyes while he lies there not being able to speak nor breath.

Then everything is being wiped away.

* * *

Levi opened his eyes with thick, deep breaths, a terrible pain in his right eye and a body completely captured by an uncanny fear. He sat upright immediately and gasped as he put his palm over his eye. He could feel the throbbing on the surface of his skin, his blood running fast in his veins the sound was ringing loud in his ears. He noticed also that he was shaking terribly. Whatever he had seen must have been alarmed his body. He wondered what it could possibly be, but he hadn’t the least idea.

“Shit,” he murmured when the throbbing neither lessened nor went away. He got up from the bed to drink a glass of water. Drugs like painkillers had no benefit for his problem so he had stopped taking them a long time ago. The best way was to wait for it to go away. But this time it was one of the worsts, and Levi wasn’t sure how long it would take for the pain to die for good.

Nearly an hour later he was lying on his sofa, with his palm over his eye and there was no progress. The worse part of it was that the pain was also spreading to a headache to the back of his skull, down his nape. Maybe he could give another chance to the painkillers.

“Fuck, I fucking hate this,” he grunted to himself. It was a baseless and reasonless problem and the foremost irritating thing that had ever happened to him. He didn’t really believe that there was a cure either. He was simply doomed with this shit.

When he was lying there pitying to himself silently, his phone started to ring somewhere inside the house. He frowned as he tried to think of who could possibly call him at this hour of the night. Then figured out that the only way to understand was to pick up the phone and see.

He walked or rather stumbled his way to his bedroom cursing at the corner of the walls he had bumped along the way. The phone was on his nightstand. He answered it without looking at who was calling, “What?”

“Oh, hey…Levi.” He recognized the voice immediately and sat down on his bed.

“What is it?” He asked with a hoarse voice and rested his elbow on his knee without taking his hand away from his eye.

“Nothing, it’s nothing.” Hange assured him and as Levi took an impatient breath to ask what the hell was going on, she continued, “I was just wondering where you have been.”

“Why—” He was about to ask but figured out what she was talking about. The balcony, right. “I am at home. Just not in the mood to chat.” He explained being surprised even a little himself that his voice was quite normal while doing so.

“Why? Are you okay?” Hange asked and Levi immediately caught the hint of worry in her voice.

“I’m fine, just…” He took a sharp breath before he was able to complete the sentence when a sudden pain quickly came and went.

“Levi, just tell me what it is.” Her voice was serious for once and maybe it was the reason why that Levi did as he was told.

“It’s my fucking eye again,” he grunted. “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with it.”

“You still haven’t gone to a doctor, have you?”

“Don’t start now,” Levi said darkly. “I’m not in the mood.”

He heard her sigh on the other end of the line then she asked, cautiously, “Can I come over there?”

Levi was taken aback for a second upon her question. “I don’t think there is anything you can do,” he decided to say at last.

But her reply was short and simple. “I know.”

Levi told her to come.

* * *

“Hello,” Hange sang songs while Levi opened the door. He threw her a dark look and turned his back to go back to his bed without waiting for her to come inside.

“That’s very rude,” she complained but Levi didn’t even look back. He was just fantasizing about taking his eye off like they did in that one anime in which people exchanged eyes as if they were fucking socks or something.

He entered his bedroom but didn’t turn the light on. As he had figured with very painful ways that the light only made the pain worse than it already was. He sat down back but didn’t lie down, with his palm still resting on his eye. Just stitching it there would be less troublesome.

He heard more than saw that Hange sat down beside him on the bed and it took her only two seconds before asking, “Did you take painkillers?”

“No,” he said. “They don’t work.”

“Hmm,” Hange murmured thoughtfully. “What about tea?”

“Doesn’t work either.”

“Do you know why this happens?” Her voice had shifted to more scientific curiosity. “Or what triggers it?”

Levi had some ideas, but they were all stupid and probably nothing but bullshit, so he merely said, “No,”.

She hummed once again and didn’t ask any more questions. Levi could almost hear her brain working, the shifting mechanisms inside of her head. Without being able to stop himself, he recalled the night she had last been here which was more than two weeks ago. He was glad that after what had happened nothing had changed between them. Although he was still trying to understand the reason why she had given such a reaction. He hadn’t yet succeeded.

“I feel like that fucking Uchiha,” he grumbled when the silence stretched too long even for himself.

“Uchiha…” Hange said and Levi heard the confusion in her voice. “You mean Sasuke? Oh no, was that a _Naruto_ reference?”

Levi looked at her sideways, but it was too dark to see anything.

“What about it?”

“That was,” her voice was hoarse with a trace of laughter. “That was very sexy of you.” She snorted obviously trying to hold herself back from laughing.

“Are you fucking serious right now?”

She chuckled to herself a few seconds more and then said, “I wasn’t expecting it. You really don’t seem like someone who would watch a seven-hundred-chapter long anime. Or have you read the manga?”

“I watched the anime,” he answered honestly. “It was my junior year at the university, and I had broken my leg.” He remembered that time woefully. He had to stick inside his dorm room for almost more than a month and had to take some classes again the next year. “I had so much free time.”

“I see, you had used it for the future of mankind.”

“It’s only a damn anime.”

“No,” she objected, tone serious. “It’s more than that.”

Levi simply rolled his only functional eye and made no further comments.

Silence took over the air again. He could feel her tapping her fingers against her knee and thought that she was nervous for some reason. It might just be him, or was it he who was nervous? Maybe he was just projecting himself. But why would he be nervous for fuck’s sake? It wasn’t like he was thinking for the past two and a half weeks that how it would be if she hadn’t pulled back and closed that damn space between them. How would her lips taste like and feel like against his own. Not that he also thought about her skin and how warm it would be if he were to press his lips on her neck.

He absolutely thought none of that, of fucking course.

He sighed, angry at himself, at his damn brain and not being able to take the helm on his own hands and just turn it over, get away from all those perilous and risky thoughts. Then ran his fingers through his hair, to the back of his head where he felt the pressure the most.

“Levi,” Hange said quietly and for some reason, her voice gave him goosebumps. “I want to try something.”

His hand froze and he turned his head slowly to her. “What?”

“Just,” she started and slipped towards him on the bed. “Put your hand down.”

Levi didn’t know why, most possibly because of the curiosity, but he put his hand down and waited for her to do whatever she had planned. He didn’t see her face hence her expression, so he had no guesses. But then he sensed her lifting her hand up and without even meaning to, held the breath he had just taken in.

Her fingers touched his undercut first, and they were hesitant, and the touch was light as a snowflake. When she noticed that he made no remark and didn’t gave a negative reaction, her fingers slowly traced the line of his nape, down his neck and up through his hair. Her touch was gentle and kind, it made him remember the way she had touched the leaves of her plants in her lab. It was tender and careful. She pressed certain areas as if she had guessed where the pressure was. Levi realized that he hadn’t even told her about the headache. She must’ve guessed it somehow.

It was almost a miracle, though Levi didn’t even believe in them the pain in his eye and the ache that had invaded his whole head disappeared bit by bit. It was as if it had been waiting for her to touch him, to run her fingers through his hair like she had done that for a million of times before and had memorized every line, every spot and every curve. Like she had committed it to her memory hundreds of years ago.

“Is it better?” she asked and her face was so close, her breath was caressing his skin, and he was breathing so fast and so hard. All he could think about was how right this very moment felt. And he wanted, wanted and wanted so bad he stopped thinking.

He just leaned in and kissed her as if he had done it before for a lifetime.

Hange didn’t freeze, didn’t pull back, and didn’t push back as Levi just pressed his lips against hers for several seconds. His brows were knitted like it pained him to know how warm and real she was under his touch. Her breaths trembled against his skin like her soul was shivering.

He pulled back just in case she didn’t want him to continue, recalling the reaction she had given. There were mere centimetres between them, and not to lean back in was the biggest struggle of self-control he had ever experienced.

However, when her other hand touched his neck, and her thumb caressed his nape gently he figured out that there was no need to self-control anyway.

They met in halfway and the kiss was more than a press of lips this time. He heard her gasp against his lips and his right hand travelled up her back while the other dived among her hair. It was a shock even to him how desperate he felt to kiss her as if this was the last time, last chance he had. He swallowed her warm breaths, his whispered name on her lips, and the little gasps she made when he touched her tongue with his. His chest was tight like a fist, the bones of his ribcage felt like they were broken to pieces and the sharp bits scratched his heart.

“Levi,” she whispered pulling back a little. Their quiet gasps filled the air. Her hand combed his hair back from his forehead. “Levi, you are trembling.”

Levi had realized that too but had tried not to think much about it. Because he had no idea why his hands one of which was holding her hair and the other wrapped around her waist were trembling like a weak flame of a candle.

“What is it?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered back and leaning in kissed her again because there was no other answer.

This time the kiss became insistent and when he pressed down and made her lie back, she didn’t stop him. His hands held the sheets tightly instead of her, waiting for the trembling to go away. And he hovered above her, careful not to press their bodies together. Her hands touched his neck and travelled down to his shoulders where she gripped his shirt tightly in her fists. Levi broke the kiss to travel his lips down her chin, along her jaw and to her neck, leaving lingering kisses along the way.

“Levi,” she whispered, out of breath while he sucked at her skin gently. Her fingers gripped tightly at his shirt and she took a sharp breath. “Levi,” she tried again. “Wait, listen.”

He did but he didn’t move as he pulled his lips back. His fast breaths touching her neck. He quietly waited for her to speak.

“You,” she started but cleared her throat for her voice was a little hoarse and then continued. “You had told me about a woman, do you remember? A woman you see in your dreams?”

“Hmm,” he murmured and pressed his nose under her ear to breath deeply. She smelled like mint, chemicals and all that chaotic mixed odour of her plants in her balcony.

Her fingers dipped into his shoulders. “And I… I had told you that, that woman must’ve been someone very important for you.”

Levi frowned not liking the direction of her speech. “And?”

“I don’t know. I just… I don’t want to… you know, to… to interfere.”

“Hange…” He sighed pressing his forehead against the sheets.

“You were trembling Levi. What if your body reacts against this? What if it doesn’t want you to be with another person?”

He sighed again as she continued without taking a breath. “What if your subconscious was trying to stop you? I mean it might—"

“The fuck are you talking about?” he grunted. Leave it to Hange Zoe to manage to be annoying still while lying under him on a bed. She must be fucking awarded.

“I’m… just… considering?”

A realization occurred to him at that exact moment that the reason why she had pulled back the first time he was about to kiss her was this. This damn nonsense.

He couldn’t help it. It was all complete bullshit, and every damn second he had spent thinking into it was such a waste and it was also so much like _her_ that it made him laugh. It wasn’t like hers, loud, cheery and sincere. It was more like a puff with little noise included but it was something for a beginning.

He felt her froze under him and he couldn’t see her reaction when he lifted his head up but imagined her watching him with bewildered eyes. “You’re ridiculous,” he whispered and pressed his smile against her lips.

Levi kind of expected her to stop him and continue talking all nonsense again but she merely sighed inside of his mouth and wrapped her arms around his neck tightly. He tilted his a little to the side to deepen the kiss. Then released his hold of the sheets of one hand and followed the line of her body. His fingers touched the skin under her ridiculously thick hoodie, and she gasped against his mouth. Her hands pulled at his t-shirt as she wrapped her legs around his waist and pushed him until they were sitting on the bed.

“So hot,” she said out of breath and Levi felt her taking off her hoodie and tossing it aside. He waited, quite astonished as she pulled at his t-shirt, indicating for him to take it off as well. He couldn’t really understand why he was sitting there, dumbfounded but at least his body had enough mind to take the action and he took his t-shirt off, putting it aside on the bed.

Hange put both of her hands on the sides of her face as she kissed him. His hands touched her bareback, her skin was warm under his palm. He pressed her close so that their bodies would touch so that he could feel her warmth on his body. A soft moan escaped her lips as he did so, and he held back his own while he deepened the kiss.

However, seconds later he had to pull back again. “Hange,” he whispered, and she pressed her forehead against his. “Why are you crying?”

He had tasted the salt on her lips and the wetness of her tears. He couldn’t think of a reason for her to cry so he just waited for her reply.

“I don’t know,” she whispered back, sniffing.

“We don’t have to do anything,” Levi said putting his hands on either side of her waist. “If you want to stop, just tell me.”

“No, it’s nothing about it.” She slipped her forehead from his to rest it on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. Just… give me a minute.”

“Don’t apologize,” Levi said touching her hair and gently laid her down on the bed again. Then reached for the lamp on his bedside table, switched it on and took some tissues from the drawer.

“Here,” he said handing them to her. Her fingers were under her glasses, over her eyes as if she was trying to stop the tears from coming. When she heard Levi, she sat up back again and took the tissues from his hand.

“Thanks,” she said with a croaked voice.

Levi watched her silently with a worried expression as she cleaned her face. He was wondering what might have happened but she seemed like she really didn’t know either. With the warm light of the bedside lamp, some parts of her hair were darker, and some parts were lighter. He also realized that she was wearing a sports bra and felt his mouth twitch upside a little.

About a minute later she put the now wet and ruined tissue aside and looked at it with solemn eyes. “Oh God,” she said sniffing again. “This is so not sexy.”

Levi didn’t even recognize his own voice as it came out as something akin to laughter. Hange looked at him in awe, like she had just saw and heard Mozart himself coming back from the dead to play his own music. 

“This is a nice sound,” she said nodding her head as if supporting her statement. “I can get used to it.”

“You won’t hear it that much,” Levi objected switching back to his old and familiar grumpy self, i.e., his comfort zone.

“You’ll never know,” she said and looked away, her eyes unfocused and her mind probably wandering elsewhere only she knew about. Her hair was worse than it usually was, her face pink, her lips red and swollen. The glasses were slipping down a little, and Levi reached to take them off.

“May I?” he asked when she looked at him curiously.

“Yeah,” she replied nodding her head. “But come closer so I can see your pretty face clearly.”

Levi snorted and putting the glasses on top of the bedside table he slipped closer to her. “I’m not pretty.”

“You are,” she said smiling. “You are manly pretty.”

“That’s ridiculous,” he said frowning but couldn’t help the pull of a smile on his mouth.

“Just stating the facts.” She looked better now that her was face dry but there was still some wetness on her eyelashes.

“Are you okay?” he asked just to be sure.

“Hmm,” she confirmed. She still looked to be a little absent-minded. “I don’t know what happened. I… don’t usually do that, the crying I mean.” She paused and looked at the bed. “Not that I usually do _that_ too, but, you know.”

“Yeah,” he said dryly and reached for his t-shirt to put it back on.

“Wait,” she reached with her arms as if to stop him. “What are you doing?”

Levi raised a brow it was obvious enough. “We don’t have to continue if you don’t feel better.”

“But I said I am okay—” She stopped in mid-sentence. “Oh,” She looked at him as if she had just figured something out that was really important. “So is that… do you not want me anymore because I’m… well totally gross right now.” She looked at the tissue again with a wrinkled face like it was an insult.

Levi stopped just as he held the t-shirt in his hands and looked at her, bewildered. “Are you fuckin—” His eye twitched, a muscle moved in his jaw and he took a sharp breath as he felt his nerves getting tense to calm himself down. “Hange, listen to me very carefully.”

Hange turned her eyes back at him again. Without her glasses, the colour of brown was even more evident. Levi got his face closer to her so that she could see him more clearly and made direct eye contact.

“Being gross is not a new thing for you. It is basically who you are.”

She blinked her eyes a few times and then her expression changed, she looked at him with blank, unimpressed eyes and with a sour face. “Thank you,” she said dryly. “That’s exactly the thing you would say to a woman who is practically sitting half-naked in your bed.”

“Yes,” Levi said firmly. “Exactly.”

Her expression shifted again to confusion. It still surprised him to see how expressive she was. Easy to read, but hard to solve.

“Why do you think you would be sitting in my bed half-naked if I didn’t fucking want you?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh,” Levi said perversely. “Sometimes you are so damn dense for a genius.”

Levi read from her eyes that she understood what he meant by each word. Her eyes travelled around his face, his brows, nose and lips. Her hand followed her gaze and Levi held himself back from leaning into her touch. Then she leaned in and rested her forehead against his. “Okay.”

She kissed him and Levi cupped her cheek with one hand while his other hand pressed against her back. This time it was her who deepened the kiss and when Levi felt the salt on his mouth again and tried to pull back, but wrapping her arms around his neck, she whispered against his lips. “Don’t stop.”

Levi sighed, but held her tight as she wound her legs around his waist again, he laid their intertwined bodies together on the bed and this time he didn’t stop.

* * *

The next morning, Levi woke up alone and with a throbbing eye again.

He looked at the other side of the bed, the sheets were crumbled but it was empty. He thought for a horrifying moment that what happened last night was a dream too. But it was too real to be just an image his subconscious produced. Also, he remembered every second and each detail very clearly. No, it was no doubt real, but Hange wasn’t here.

He sat upright and rubbed his eye with his fingers. It wasn’t as bad as it was last night but it was clear enough to annoy him. His other hand reached to touch the sheets she had slept on, to see how much time possibly had passed since she was gone. They were still warm but barely.

“So, I was just a one-night stand?” He murmured, unamused.

Just then the door to his bathroom inside of his room opened, and a tall woman with oval-shaped glasses and damp hair who was wearing one of his t-shirts showed up. The morning sun played with the shades of her hair and eyes. When she saw that Levi was awake, she smiled at him. It was warmer than the sheets he was holding

“Morning,” she said as she closed the door behind her. “I’ve used your shower; hope you don’t mind.” She stepped closer to the bed and climbed up.

“I don’t.” He really didn’t. She looked good with his t-shirt and with the smell of his soup and shampoo.

“Your eye again?” she asked as she reached up to hold his fingers that were still over his eye. She pulled them down and leaned in closer.

“It’s weird,” she whispered. And Levi thought she wasn’t only talking about his eye. “Really.”

“Whatever,” he parried. “I’ll see a doctor and learn just what the fuck is wrong with it.”

She hummed thoughtfully and touched his cheek. Her thumb crossed the line under his eye cautiously. “It might not only about a doctor though,” she said frowning. “I’ll search it a bit—”

“Don’t,” Levi cut in without letting her finish her sentence. She looked at him, blinking her eyes a few times.

“Why?—”

“I don’t want to learn.” Levi knew that if there was anyone who would figure out the reason behind all this bullshit it was Hange. She had a big enough brain for that. But Levi didn’t want to learn for the fact that at this very moment everything already felt so right, so on the place and so like what it was supposed to be. He didn’t think that he needed anything more.

“But—”

He put his hand on her back to pull her against him, crushing their bodies together. She laid her hands on his shoulders and looked at him, mouth agape. “This,” he said as he touched her forehead with his own. “This is enough.”

“Levi…” she started but he didn’t let her finish his sentence again.

“Let it go,” he said. “For once.”

It was a weird choice of words, but it had felt like the right thing to say. Hange travelled her hands up to touch his neck lightly. Her breath was warm, her smell was fresh and her touch was solid.

“Okay,” she accepted. “Okay, I will.”

It had been two months at most since he had known her but for a reason, he didn’t know he felt like he could trust her with everything he had got. And realized not necessarily surprisingly that it included even his own life.


	6. amongst the rock one cannot stop or think

Levi had lived a steady life. Ever since his childhood, he liked things in order. After waking up, do your bed, go to the toilet, change your clothes, have breakfast. After coming home from school, change your clothes again, eat, do homework and sleep. He chose calmness of the sea over the big, rushing waves of the ocean and he chose the simple, blue sky over the thick, cloudy chaos. He preferred the calmness of the sun to the destruction of a tempest. He was the definition of quiet, steady and calm.

And Hange was the direct opposite.

She was the rising waves of an ocean and the white enormous clouds of the blue sky. She was the tempest that destroyed the calm, steady and quiet. Hange was the embodiment of the chaos. Loud, complex and effective. But she also shone like the sea under the midday sun, was clear as the blue sky and she radiated warmth even more than the sun itself. Hange was everything Levi had distanced himself from throughout his whole life and everything he had become addicted to.

She was lying on his sofa one Thursday evening after they had dinner together which was cooked by Levi, Hange claimed that she was a good cook too, but he had saved that for later. Levi had just returned from taking a shower when he saw her watching TV. One of her eyes were closed like she hadn’t had the energy to keep both of them open. It was still a little awkward, seeing her being all comfortable in his house. It had been merely a week and a half, and she had been here almost every night. Levi didn’t complain. At all. There were some of her books on top of the coffee table, and one of her hoodies were thrown over the chair by the window. She had even brought a flower from her balcony which was small and easy to look after. Levi didn’t know what it was called, it had a complicated name that he immediately forgot. Hange had said, “Your house is too lonely. It needs something alive when you are not here.” Which was objectively the most absurd thing he had ever heard but he had let her anyway. 

The nights were different and by the simplest expression, they were easier. He still woke up after a few hours of sleep, but the difference was that when he opened his eyes sometimes with fear, some nights with an ache in his eye and at times with tears in his face, he wasn't alone. At the nights she stayed, Hange would be awake, reading her book under the light of the bedside lamp. Her back against the head of the bed, a pen in one hand to take notes, sometimes wearing one of his t-shirts. And she never asked what happened when he put his head on her lap with the hope of drifting back to sleep. She just placed her hand on his cheek and ran her fingers through his hair.

“Read it aloud,” Levi had said to her one of those nights. When only the touch of her fingers wasn’t enough for him to sleep again.

“But it’s about…”

“I don’t care,” he had said shortly. “Just read it aloud.”

Levi never had any idea what the hell she had read about.

He walked to where she was lying on her side, one hand under her cheek and the other was dangling down from the edge. There was a book lying on the floor, left open and upside down. She was also wearing one of his sweatshirts and green, Christmas themed stupid socks. _I got used to this so damn easily,_ he thought to himself while he got closer to sit on the space she had left. There was a zombie film -or was that a TV series? he never knew- on the screen.

“I wonder if they have a digestive system,” Hange murmured sleepily.

Levi put his elbow on the arm of the sofa and rested his cheek on his palm then sighed, wearily. “Of course, you do.”

“They practically do because they were once humans, but they are dead now,” she reasoned to herself. “But I mean they are eating after all.”

Levi just hummed. He really didn’t care whether the zombies took a shit or not.

“Have I ever told you about this?” Hange asked a few seconds later.

“No.” He turned his head to her. Her eyes were still on the screen, she was frowning.

“I feel like I have,” she said absent-mindedly.

“You have definitely thought about it before,” Levi replied leaning his head backwards.

“Yeah, probably.”

She didn’t look convinced but didn’t dig into the matter any further. Levi watched her dropping eyes, her hair which was spread all over the cushion, and the slow rising and falling of her shoulders. Then thought that there was just so much space between them. 

He moved, crawled over and put his knees on each side of her waist while supporting himself on his elbows. Sensing the movement, she looked up at him, smiled warmly, then tossed a little so that she was lying on her back. “Hi.”

Levi just blinked down at her for a while then reached out to put her glasses on top of her head. “You are tired.”

“A little,” she accepted and combed his hair back. Her fingers followed the line of his face and Levi leaned into her touch just barely then closed his eyes.

“I guess I am not the only one.”

Levi just grunted, lips closed and then lowered himself to put his head on her shoulder. Her arm wrapped around his shoulders and fingers slipped through his hair. He breathed in slowly, nuzzling her neck.

“I would never have guessed that you were cuddly,” Hange said and Levi practically heard her smile.

To be fucking honest Levi had no idea either. “If I _ever_ hear this from anyone else Hange,” he said leaving the sentence open-ended.

“I know,” Hange assured him tightening her arm around his shoulders. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.” Levi realized the hint of amusement on her tone, but he was too relaxed to open and roll his eyes.

“It better is,” he murmured instead and felt her turning her head sideways and she pressed her lips on his forehead. He wrapped his arm around her waist and moved to the side so that his weight was not wholly on her then tangled their legs together. There were disgusting zombie noises on the background, and he wasn’t necessarily warm because there was no blanket over them yet he somehow managed to focus only on the quiet rhythm of her breaths and the warmth her body provided. Then sleep came easier than it had ever did.

* * *

“We’re off.”

Levi looked up from wiping the polished surface of the counter to see Mikasa, Annie and Historia who were standing on the other side of it, staring at him. Historia was smiling.

“Okay,” he said. “Be—” yet as he was about to continue the door opened chiming.

“Good evening!” Hange exclaimed cheerfully, with a smile brighter than the counter he had just wiped. One of her arms were wrapped around a brown, paper bag.

“Good evening Hange-san,” Mikasa responded. Her tone was soft and there was almost a hint of a smile on her face. That brat was being a pain in the ass for him only, obviously.

“You are leaving?”

“Yes.”

“Be careful,” Levi said completing his sentence from before. Levi knew that Annie and Mikasa probably had the capacity to take down ten men in one go. But Historia was too naïve, or she looked like it and the streets were dangerous.

“Have a nice weekend,” Historia said waving at them both. Annie and Mikasa simply nodded their heads.

“Say hi to Jean for me!” Hange said to Mikasa who was holding the door and was about to go outside following the other two girls and redness spread from her neck to her ears.

“S-sure,” she stuttered and left hastily.

Hange stepped closer to the counter and put the paper bag on top of it with a goofy grin on her face.

“What the hell was that?” Levi asked frowning.

Hange walked around the counter to get to where he was standing. “Remember when I was teasing Jean about being in love?”

“Aah,” Levi confirmed waiting for her to continue.

“Well turns out he really was in love.” She laughed seemingly enjoying herself very much. “I’ve learnt that it was Mikasa two days ago from Armin.”

“What did you do to the boy to learn it?” Levi raised a brow at her suspiciously.

“Nothing,” she said innocently. Then slipped the bag a little to the side and jumped to sit on top of the counter. “I just connected the dots and asked Armin for confirmation. Though he did look like he was going to throw up while doing so.”

Levi hummed thoughtfully. He was kind of surprised to see Mikasa giving a reaction as obvious as blushing. “So, she is capable of feeling things huh?”

“You have no right to say that Mr Poker Face,” Hange objected, swinging her legs.

Levi threw her a dirty look and gestured at the paper bag with his head. “What’s this?”

She turned her head to where he was pointing. “Oh, that…” Then reached out with both hands to lower the bag down to show what was inside. Two bottles of wine. “We’re going to get you drunk.”

“I’m sorry,” Levi said dryly. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

She raised her index finger as if getting herself ready to reveal a big secret. “Your birthday.”

“What birthday?” Levi glanced at his watch to see the date. “My birthday is in five days.”

“Yes, and so is Christmas.” Hange tapped her fingers on her knee. “We are going to celebrate separately.”

“Why is that?”

She grinned at him mischievously. “I want to be alone with you when you are drunk.”

Levi tilted his head a little to the side and narrowed his eyes at her. “Hange,” he started. “Are you possibly seeing me as a test subject?”

She blinked, apparently not expecting his question. “No of course I don’t.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Levi,” she said putting her hands on his shoulder. She pulled him a little closer and locked her eyes on his. “You are not my subject. You are my…” She paused, narrowed her eyes and looked away with unfocused eyes while thinking.

“What?” He asked trying not to sound too curious about hearing what she had to say.

“You are my… beloved.” Her expression changed, and she bit her lip as if holding back a laugh. Her eyes reflected that suppressed amusement. When Levi rolled his eyes and tried to pull back, she held him in place. “No wait, you are my…, my special someone.” A chuckle escaped from her lips and Levi tried so hard to not respond to it with his own that he had to bite his tongue inside of his mouth.

“No, no, no.” she pulled him even closer and he put his hands on her hips to balance himself. Her face got even closer, her eyes changed to a more serious tone and her brows knitted together. She lowered her voice and said, “You are my lover.”

“Oh, my fucking god,” Levi said instead of revealing a smile which he thought would frighten them both. Hange laughed aloud and he snorted, his shoulders shook under her hands.

“No, I know.” Levi almost whined frustrated when he realized that she wasn’t done yet. Hange wrapped her arms around his neck, at last, making him step closer. “My love,” she whispered in his ear. “I will call you my love.”

“Oh, fuck, no. You won’t.”

“Yes. I will.”

“You are a sadist,” Levi said feeling the tug of a smile on his lips and he tried to repress it when Hange pulled back to look at him. Her gaze followed the movement of his lips.

“Don’t be so stingy.” She frowned holding his chin between her fingers. “Show me that smile.”

“No,” he objected trying to save himself from her grip.

“But why?” She asked not letting him go.

“You don’t deserve it.”

She gasped and looked so damn hurt for a second that Levi almost believed that she was being sincere. She wasn’t. “You’re so bad. This is a crime.”

Levi watched her being dramatic as hell with blank eyes while she continued, “Seriously, that smile can save the world.”

“Hange—”

“You have the power to bring peace to the whole planet, yet you keep it to yourself.”

“Just shut up already.”

“No, this should be reported to the authorities. I am refusing to—”

She didn’t, well _couldn’t_ in fact, finish her sentence when Levi put his hand behind her head and pulled her down in order to press his mouth against hers. He couldn’t have thought about a more effective way to shut her up. And it had worked like a charm.

“Let’s go,” he said when he pulled back seconds later. He didn’t pay much mind to Hange’s dumbfounded face, he simply took the bag on top of the counter and turned around to walk to the door.

“Levi did you just—” Hange started, following him soon after from behind. “I mean I have to admit,” she said while she waited for Levi to wear his coat. His back was facing her. “It was kind of hot.”

Levi almost snorted again but held himself back. “You are so damn annoying,” he said instead, holding the bag again.

“Well that never stopped you from… anything. And I see your reflection on the window. Don’t think you can hide it from me any longer.”

Levi walked away and turned that damn treacherous light off.

* * *

It was near 10 pm when they got home. There was no time to cook anything new and Levi didn’t really like ordering from outside, so they heated the leftovers of yesterday for dinner. Meanwhile, Hange opened one bottle of wine and filled two glasses with the red liquid. She really did plan on getting him drunk as it seemed.

Upon Hange’s request they prepared the coffee table in the living room. _I have plans,_ she had said when Levi asked for the reason. There was that mischievous grin on her face again and Levi decided to let her do whatever she wanted to do. It wasn’t like he could stop her either.

There was no cake, but Hange had brought two cherry scented candles and she almost burnt her fingers while trying to light them up with a match. Levi watched the whole prosses silently while drinking his wine from his place on the floor. Frankly, he couldn’t see the necessity of candles, _scented_ candles, to be specific. However, Hange was apparently pretty much satisfied with the outcome of her efforts so he didn’t make any comments, watching her smiling at the table proudly which contained precisely two plates, two bottles of wine, two candles and a wine glass.

“Alright,” she clasped her hands. “Almost done. Now, where is your laptop?”

Levi told her that it was on his desk in his room. She rushed out of the living room to get it. Meanwhile, he reached to the bottle to fill his glass again. If he remembered correctly, the last time he had got drunk he was with Erwin. It must be about five months ago when they both had got so damn bored that they couldn’t have thought about anything else. Levi recalled finding himself asleep on Erwin’s bed and then he had found said Erwin passed out on the floor, drooling on his arm. He snorted to himself when the image of Erwin sleeping scattered all over the carpet flashed before his eyes. It definitely was a rare sight.

Hange returned back with his laptop on her hands and she placed it on top of the table then turned the lights off. The room suffused with the dim, yellow lights of the candles and the sour scent of the cherry mixed with a slightly burnt smell covered the air. Levi was drinking his third glass by the time Hange came back to sit beside him.

“What are we going to do with the laptop?” he asked frowning while she turned the machine on.

“We’re gonna watch a Christmas movie of course,” she replied casually.

“I thought we were celebrating my birthday,” Levi said perversely, taking a long sip from his wine.

“We are.” After she prepared everything on the laptop, she set it carefully in order for both of them to watch the film easily. Then leaned her shoulder against him. Levi leaned back somehow subconsciously and Hange started the film.

They ate and drank while watching the film and making necessary or unnecessary and sometimes too far-fetched and meaningless interpretations. The whole thing was the most mundane thing he could’ve ever done. The flames of the candles danced crackling; their shadows reflected on the walls. Hange rested her head on his shoulder sometime during the film. Her legs were almost on top of his own under the table, their backs were against the sofa. The odour of the candles, the wine and her hair all gathered together. He was pretty sure that if he were to smell that same candle or a bottle of wine again he would immediately recall this very moment. The want to take every second in this room and pin them on time so that he would go back any moment he wished to was so potent that it almost scared him. Or maybe it was just the wine.

When the movie was over Hange was not very pleased with how it ended, and she closed the laptop furiously. “That was a shitty ending.”

“Yeah,” Levi agreed. He didn’t care much but he agreed that a Christmas movie shouldn’t have an end like this. It was called a Christmas movie for a reason after all. 

“There is no point on making people cry,” she took the last sip from her wine and put the glass on top of the table. “We are here to have a good time.”

“You didn’t cry though,” Levi pointed out.

“I was too angry to cry.” She reached out to fill her glass again. “At least the actor was kind of – no, _quite_ hot.”

“That is not a thing you should be saying to your beloved slash special someone slash lover,” Levi muttered unpleased while taking the bottle from Hange’s hand to fill his own.

He heard her quiet inhale. “Oh my God, it’s happening.” She sounded way too ardent. “You are drunk.”

“Am not,” Levi grunted drinking from his wine.

“Are too,” Hange pushed further. “There is no way you would say that to me if you were sober.”

Well, she had a point. Levi genuinely wouldn’t say anything as foolish as that out loud. He did feel a little tipsy now that he paid attention and he felt like a bird in a cage which was about to get eaten by a furious cat. “So what? What are you gonna do about it?”

“I’m going to use it for my own benefit, of course,” Hange said openly and Levi appreciated the honesty. At least she wasn’t trying to twist the truth. She wriggled a bit and put her elbow on the sofa, got her face closer to him and Levi could feel the cold touch of her breath. “Now, tell me what you like about me.”

Levi took a sip, completely unaware of the taste, twisting his mouth a little. “I’ve been played.”

Hange puffed put a laugh. “You knew the consequences. I told you in advance that I was going to get you drunk.”

“I walked directly into your trap,” Levi said darkly, blinked his eyes a couple of times and turned his slightly dizzy stare to her. He didn’t have a Christmas tree because he was too busy and too reckless to decorate one but thought, albeit under the influence of many glasses of wine, that her eyes easily fulfilled its role.

“Your eyes,” he said suddenly and without even planning to. It was like holding into a rope so that it wouldn’t slip and went all the way down a cliff. But with these two words, he had let the rope go and it rushed down so quickly that there was no way to stop it from falling. So, he simply chose to jump down with it.

“Huh?” Hange asked, looking somehow surprised at seeing her own plan was in fact working.

“And that stupid glasses of yours.” His eyes travelled around her face, and he watched the shadows moving on her skin. “I like your nose too. It’s like – you know you cannot imagine a bird without its wings. A wing is obviously more functional but, well…” He sloshed down the rest of the wine and put the glass on the floor somewhere behind him.

Hange was completely in awe at this point, watching him with a mouth slightly open and bewildered eyes. “I should’ve recorded this,” she whispered regretfully.

“Your hair too, though I don’t think you ever comb it.” His fingers brushed some stray hair away from her face, and his thumb traced her cheek. He didn’t see her expression for he was busy committing the blush spreading from her cheeks to her neck to memory. “And most of the times you even smell good which is a shock—”

Hange kissed him without letting him finish his sentence. Her lips moved hungrily on his own and he responded immediately with an equal desire. He put his fingers on her neck to kiss her deeper, tongue caressing her lower lip. Her hands cupped his hair while she moved to sit on his lap without breaking the kiss. Her legs were on each side of his hips, her other hand touched her neck, her thumb traced the line of his jaw.

Levi wrapped his arms around her waist to press her body against him. And he moaned when Hange pulled his hair slightly. He realized then that he really was drunk, and he tasted the wine on her tongue and then questioned which one made him dizzier while her fingers moved through his undercut and her lips moved from his mouth to his chin, jaw and neck. He tilted his head back against to sofa, his breaths were uneven, and his pulse was loud, loud, loud in his ears and his skin was hot like he had a fever.

“Hange,” he breathed, his nails digging on her waist. “Hange, promise me something.”

“Hmm,” she murmured not taking her lips away from where she was sucking at his neck, her tongue brushed the sensitive skin.

He had to hold back a moan, and he didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with him when he insistently continued to talk. It was like there was another conscious inside of his brain and at this moment in which he was embarrassingly hard – he blamed the wine for it – it decided to take the control over. Like he wasn’t the one talking but the voice belonged to him. “Promise me you won’t do that again.”

“Do what?” Hange asked placing kisses on top of the possible bruise she had caused. “Make you drunk? I don’t know it’s kind of fun—”

“No, not that.” He tightened his arms around her and this time it was with something other than the sensual desire. “Promise me you won’t sacrifice yourself again.”

Hange stiffened against him. Her lips froze, but she stayed where she was while her hot breaths burned his skin. Then quietly she raised her head to look at him in the eye. “What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know,” Levi replied with genuine honesty. He absolutely had no fucking idea. He raised his head from where it was lying and responded her stare. “Just… promise me.”

Hange studied his eyes for a couple of seconds, brows knitted together in concentration, her stare was reeling as if he had just stepped into a void. Levi had to endure the silence while he was waiting for her reply. His mind was a clouded mess, and he couldn’t give any meaning to his own words but somehow sensed that they were critically important.

“Okay,” Hange replied finally. “I promise. I won’t.”

He felt like he had been holding his breath for days when he exhaled, feeling relieved and for some reason secure. He nodded his head and leaned back again, resting it on the sofa. He watched the giant shadows of the flames on the ceiling for a while.

“Let’s get you to the bed,” Hange said getting up from his lap. She then helped him get up too by holding his hands. They stumbled to his bedroom together, her arm around his waist. Hange put him gently on the bed and opened the sheets while he took his sweater off, throwing it on the floor. He got rid of his pants next and crept under the covers.

“Will you stay?” he asked when she opened the bedside lamp. And then thought _fuck, I’m so fucking drunk,_ when he realized how pathetic he had sounded. Hange smiled and, reached out to comb his hair back.

“I’ll be back in a bit.”

Levi guessed that she was most probably going to change her clothes and waited patiently for her to come back while trying to hold his eyes open. His eyelids kept slipping down and darkness persistently kept surrounding his conscious. But he didn’t let either of them win until he felt Hange coming back to the bed.

He didn’t know how much time had passed when he sensed the other side of the bed sinking. Levi opened his eyes, despite his efforts to keep them open he must’ve lost to the heaviness on his eyelids at some point. Then immediately reached out with his arms to circle them around her, pulling her head against his chest. He held tight, wound their legs together, and breathed against her hair. Hange was quiet as she kindly hugged his waist in return.

“I am going to take you somewhere,” he whispered.

She hummed, softly. “Where?”

He played with her hair, listened to her breaths and uttered the words which he had no control over. “To the woods.”

Hange stiffened a little again but Levi was so drunk to dwell on it. “I am going to take you to the woods,” he said while sleep came creeping by. “You were right Hange,” he murmured lastly.

_We should’ve just stayed there._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so bad at writing fluff that it is ridiculous 
> 
> I don't want to spoil anyone who haven't watched the film so I didn't give the name. I kind of reflected myself on Hange, but well I was crying my eyes out at the end unlike her lol
> 
> As always comments are very very much appreciated.  
> Hope you enjoyed, thank you so much for reading! ^^


	7. of thunder of spring over distant mountains

When Levi woke up there was an aridness accompanied by an awful taste inside of his mouth like he had swollen a handful of sand last night. The sun rays leaking through the curtains caused a sharp headache when he tried to open his eyes and he groaned frustrated. Only after turning his back to the window and getting up from the bed did he have enough courage to open them. He was halfway to the bathroom the moment he realized that there was nothing but underwear on him which was also when he noticed that he didn’t remember how the last night ended. Then came to a slightly late realization that he was alone in the room.

He tried to remember something -anything- for a second but easily gave up when the headache doubled and simply decided to take a shower. He threw himself into the bathroom and under the hot water with a sour face like he had eaten a full lemon. His mind was hazy like it had been exposed to hot and cold air all at once, and as it seemed it wasn’t possible to see what was hiding behind that smoky whiteness for the time being.

He quickly dressed up after the shower and dried his hair. He was wondering where Hange possibly was. Had she been gone already? No trace inside the bathroom would lead to show her being here before him. Usually, they made breakfast together at times Hange stayed the night. He couldn’t hear anything from the kitchen for his door was closed. What if she was gone, could it be because of something he had said yesterday? The worst part of it was that he had no idea to what extent he might’ve had blethered. The last thing he remembered was them kissing in front of the sofa, and nothing more.

He walked out of the room to check the rest of the house to see if she was still here. He had a bad feeling that last night hadn’t ended up the way he would like. And he felt like a dark, thick smoke was surrounding him and his stomach was twisted too like it knew something his mind did not. It was as if his body and mind were two different ends of a power line and because of the disconnection between them, there was no light inside of his head to illuminate the unknown memories.

Though he did recall the embarrassing parts, unfortunately. Like, _this is not something you would say to your beloved slash special someone slash lover._ He winced, feeling the hairs on his arms stand on end as if the words were a splash of cold water on his bare skin.

He found Hange in the kitchen, sitting on a chair. Her hands were wrapped around a cup filled with coffee, her eyes staring at the smooth surface of the table were abstracted.

“Hey,” he said, with a voice so rough it was like his throat was a pebbly road. His face twisted upon hearing it and he reached out without thinking for Hange’s coffee and took a sip.

“Uh, hey – good morning,” she muttered and then, quite unexpectedly, “Shit.” She lifted her hand to slap it against her forehead. “I was going to make breakfast. I totally forgot. I didn’t think you would be awake in two more hours.”

“It’s okay.” His voice was more tolerable this time. “I am not hungry.”

“You need to drink water though.” She got up from her seat, took a big glass out of the kitchen cupboard, filled it to the top, and slipped it towards him on the table. “Here. You need to stay hydrated. Don’t forget to drink throughout the day.”

Hange wasn’t looking at him while talking and even the headache or that darkness determined to suffocate him couldn’t stop him from realizing. He put the cup on the table and waited until she responded to his stare.

“What?”

“You tell me,” he said, clinging at the head of a chair. “What have I done?”

“What do you mean?” Hange was expressive, in many ways. She was the easiest person to read and analyze. However, she was also very much capable of wearing a face blank as a sheet of paper at times she wanted to.

“I feel like I’ve done or said something fucking stupid.” He ran a hand through his hair, mouth a straight, firm line. “I don’t remember shit.”

“That’s normal. You were drunk.”

“You aren’t going to tell me, are you?”

“There is nothing to tell.” Hange took the glass of water from the table and stood in front of him, pushing it against his chest. “Drink.”

He put his hand under the glass, holding it still. The water spilt from the edges wetted his hand and he searched for some kind of a clue in her eyes. For a tip of a rope to climb, to grab a piece of information. There was obviously something wrong and apparently, she wasn’t going to let him know what.

“A friend of mine called,” she said, taking her hand away from the glass and her features softened a little. “She is going to stay with me for a couple of days. So, I might not see you until Christmas.”

“You don’t live very far away,” Levi pointed out with a straight tone.

It was evident from her eyes that she understood what he had meant. She wasn’t acting like herself at all and even knowing that simple fact made him uneasy. “I haven’t seen her for a while. She was abroad, so…”

Levi nodded, not needing any further explanation. Then drank the water when he couldn’t stand the desert-like dryness in his mouth anymore. He let the cold drink sweep away all the words that stuck in his throat, left unsaid.

“Hey…” Her breath touched his cheek as he put the glass down on the table. “Call me if you need… anything.”

He guessed that she was talking about the sleepless nights and the nightmares. Only then he realized how he became used to having her there, even before they got closer, she was always in her balcony to talk and ease his mind. How the time had passed, he thought, like a waterfall. It wasn’t even evident that the water was flowing but there was a pothole on the ground where it had fallen. A pothole filled with seconds, minutes, hours, days, and months.

“Don’t worry about me,” Levi said, looking at her. He wondered for the thousandth time today what the fuck might’ve happened yesterday for her eyes to be lack of its usual light. He thought that maybe she needed time for herself to sort some things out, and deeply wished that those weren’t unforgivable things that he had possibly done or said.

“Easily said than done,” she muttered and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. “I better get going.”

Levi nodded his head again. The kiss did soften his mood mildly, but he was still ill at ease. Mostly because he hadn’t yet heard her laughter and apparently wouldn’t too for a couple of days.

Hange left soon after, leaving him with an empty house and a head as loud as an old village tavern.

* * *

“What did you say?” Mike put his glass down so fast that the drink inside splashed to the black, marble table. “You’ve been sleeping with Hange?”

“It’s not—” Levi took a frustrated sip from his drink, feeling his nerves straining like electrical ropes. “It’s not just _that_ you fucking idiot.”

They were out on a fancy bar which Erwin favored quite a lot. It was a day before his birthday and because Mike and Erwin both had plans with their families tomorrow, they had offered him to have a couple of drinks as a celebration. He got nothing to do for the only family he had was his shitty uncle and he didn’t even know in which part of the world he was. Levi should’ve known from past experience that this was not a good idea. It was only his second drink though; he was no way in hell going to drink more than three.

“So…” Erwin intervened and praying for him to talk some sense, Levi turned his glare to him. “You are together now?”

Were they? He hadn’t been seeing Hange for three days and except for some text messages -sent usually by her which contained extremely stupid and disgustingly funny memes- they hadn’t talked either. Levi was sure what they had was more than just “sleeping together”, _that goddamn moron,_ but he didn’t know for certain what else to call it.

“Kind of,” he muttered at last.

“That doesn’t make sense,” Mike said, frowning.

“It doesn’t have to,” replied Levi coldly. Considering what type of people he and Hange were nothing they did would make any sense anyway.

“I mean I would be more than happy for you both.” Erwin smiled at him reassuringly, but he narrowed his eyes and tilted his head a little to the side as if something had just come to his mind. Then reached for his phone which was resting on the table. “I think I had seen a term the teenagers are using these days,” he muttered to himself while swiping the screen with his finger; his thick, yellow brows were knitted in concentration.

Levi raised a brow at Mike who just shrugged in response. He didn’t pay much attention to what Erwin was talking about and drank from the amber coloured, cold liquid. It burnt his throat while flowing down. Eyes staring at the black, glazy surface absent-mindedly, his mind changed its route for a second to think about the subject of this conversation and what she might be doing at the moment. Then decided, not much long after, that he would rather be with her to find out.

“Here it is,” Erwin announced, which drew both Levi and Mike’s attention to himself. “It is called ‘shipping’”.

Levi couldn’t make the connection. “Shipping?”

“It’s very interesting,” Erwin continued, he looked ridiculous with his _serious-as-hell_ businessman attitude talking about some teenager shit. “I saw it under one of our photos together on Instagram the other day and I just wondered what it is. So, I looked up from google and apparently it means…” he lifted the phone at eye level and read from the screen. “Shipping, initially derived from the word relationship, is the desire by fans for two or more people, either real-life people or fictional characters (in film, literature, television, etc.) to be in a romantic relationship.”

“Erwin, oh my God,” Mike snorted, hiding his eyes with his hand, but his stupid smile was out in the open.

“Why the fuck there are comments like that under our photos?” Levi asked, eyes widened in surprise and feeling both shocked and mad at the absurdity of the situation.

“Sorry dude,” Mike put his hand on Erwin’s shoulder as if to console him. “He is taken.”

“Shut the fuck up, Mike.”

“Well, I mean…” Erwin seemed like he hadn’t thought about it before. He locked and put his phone down. “I don’t know. I wasn’t taking it seriously.”

Erwin was a popular man and because of the success of his company, he might be considered as a little famous too. He did have fine looks as well so whenever he posted a photo with one of his female, or sometimes male, friends the media would blow up for an hour, gossips spread faster than the Black Death. Yet, Levi never ever had seen something about himself.

“Whatever,” he sighed, finishing his drink and gesturing for a waiter to fill it up.

“It is a nice term, thank you, Erwin,” Mike smirked. “Do you think Hange knows about it?”

“I will kill you.” If it was possible there would be real flames burning Mike’s useless brain from the intensity of his glare. Mike didn’t seem like he cared much though which pissed Levi even more.

“Anyway,” Erwin said, changing the subject again. “Levi, you seem a little off, is something the matter?”

Levi turned his eyes away from his questioning, blue stare to examine the liquid inside of his glass. “I think I fucked up.”

“How did you—No wait,” Mike lifted his hand which was holding the glass and pointed at him with his index finger. “I want to know how this thing had started in the first place because you didn’t seem like you liked her at all the last time I checked.”

Levi didn’t like to admit it but he was right. The last time these two had seen Hange and Levi together wasn’t that pleasant. He loathed remembering any second of it. So, he told them what had happened during the couple of months he had known Hange and how the events had developed to this. From the balcony meetings to the reason why he thought that he had fucked up, not giving any specific details for he would rather die than have Mike annoy him more than he already did for the rest of his life.

When he was done pouring everything on the table Erwin simply said, “I see.”

Mike, who was watching him with his fingers holding his bearded chin; eyes narrowed and thoughtful and an expression like he was a bad actor playing an ancient Greek philosopher said, “Yeah, me too.”

Levi was about to ask what exactly they saw when Mike switched moods all of a sudden, talking seriously. “Dude, Hange is not someone to be easily offended. Maybe you are just overthinking.”

It was a possibility Levi had considered. “Maybe.”

“Yeah, I think so too,” Erwin agreed, nodding his head. “As far as I know she doesn’t really care much about being in a relationship either. So, if she is comfortable enough with you to go that far then I don’t suppose you have to worry about anything.”

“I don’t know,” Levi murmured, not convinced. Remembering the way she was acting that morning still planted seeds of the discontent inside of him. On the other hand, Mike and Erwin sounded right too. Especially what Erwin said, well, it was difficult to discard the pleasant feelings his words have caused.

“Well, we are going to find out anyway,” Mike said while typing something on his phone. “I had called the girls here for tonight. They are on their way now.”

“What girls?” Levi asked. “Do you know her friend?”

“Of course,” Mike said confidently. “She is my girlfriend.”

“Your what?” Levi couldn’t actually believe what he was hearing. He didn’t think anyone with enough self-respect would date Mike. “You have a girlfriend?”

“Oh dear, tonight is full of surprises,” Erwin muttered and took a long sip from his drink. Levi was kind of worried about the way his eyes looked so… _dead_.

“Yes, her name is Nanaba. Thank you,” Mike rolled his eyes. “She has been abroad for about a year. We have been together for a while in university and it hadn’t worked out then, but we started to talk again a year ago.”

“Why have I never heard of this before?” Levi asked, bewildered.

“I remember telling you, man. You’ve obviously forgotten.”

“No, you haven’t, Mike. Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Yes, I have. Ask Erwin.”

Levi turned his questioning glare to Erwin who was watching them silently. “He did talk about having a girlfriend in university.”

“Damn,” he murmured, behind the glass he had lifted to his mouth. He tried to recall any memory that would belong to Mike telling him about having someone in his life, but nothing came out. He seriously did need to pay more attention to the things that happened around him.

“Why isn’t she staying with you then?” Levi directed the question to Mike.

“She was,” Mike replied and gestured for a waiter to fill his empty glass. “But Nanaba and Hange are close friends. She wanted to spend some time with her before Christmas.”

Putting his glass down on the table, Levi hummed. Now that he considered it, Hange had pretty normal excuses to stay at her home with her friend. It might not be related to him, but that didn’t explain her sour mood. He tapped the glass on the marble surface thoughtfully, letting the sound fill his mind in a vain attempt to block the other unpleasant voices.

It was nearly two minutes later when Erwin said, “Here they are.”

Levi felt tense for whatever reason, and he stopped tapping the glass on the table, his fingers tightening around it.

“Good evening gentlemen!” Hange’s cheerful and loud voice which he hadn’t been hearing for three days filled through his ears. She was standing next to him, her hand on top of the head of the chair he was sitting on. Her smile was bright and her eyes glimmering.

“Good evening.” Another, a calmer female voice interrupted him from observing Hange. He turned his head to see a blonde, thin, and tall woman taking off her coat. Her hair was cut short and her eyes were a warm blue but there was an edge to her fair features.

“Helloo,” Mike smiled, while the girl, Nanaba, sat down on the chair next to him. Levi turned his stare away as Mike leaned in to possibly kiss his _girlfriend._

“Good evening ladies,” Erwin greeted them politely, and Hange sat down beside Levi after taking off her coat. She was wearing a black hoodie -again- and a grey turtleneck sweater underneath it. Her hair was a loose, messy ponytail, some idle strands brushing her cheeks. There was a slight rosiness on her cheekbones which might be the result of the cold weather outside and a soft smile on her lips when she turned to him.

“Hi,” she said quietly.

Levi just blinked in response.

“So… Levi,” Mike’s smug voice made him force his gaze away from her big, shiny eyes.

“What?”

“This is Nanaba,” Mike gestured at the blonde girl who smiled at him kindly. And then he gestured at him saying, “And this grumpy man is Levi.”

“Nice to meet you, Levi,” Nanaba said earnestly. “I heard a lot about you.”

_Oh, no. Not this shit again._

“Nice to meet you too,” Levi replied simply.

He was kind of, just a little bit, nervous that the arrows would turn to him and Mike would talk all bullshit about the topic they had just been arguing. Yet, the conversation took a different route, away from his own boundaries and privacy to other things he had no interest in. Most of the time he listened or watched Hange talk with her turgid mimics. Hearing her laugh undid the tons of knots in his stomach, and the seeds of discontent dried even before becoming green. This wasn’t the way he thought he would see her again, but it was good enough.

Hange had ordered a glass of water only as a drink and Levi had stopped after the third glass. He was feeling light and it was not related to the amount of alcohol he had consumed. Having his friends talking and laughing together in a quiet bar was soothing and even the coldness and the snow outside didn’t bother him much.

“Hey,” Hange turned to him again when the chat on the table lessened and quietened. Mike and Nanaba were talking between themselves in silent whispers while Erwin was busy with something on his phone.

“Hmm?” He murmured and their shoulders touched as she brought her chair closer to him.

“It has been a while,” she said smiling.

His eyes made a quick look over her face and lingered a little too much on her lips. “It has.”

“How are you?”

“Fine.”

She snorted quietly and whispered, “God, I think I’ve missed your grumpy face.”

“It wasn’t so far away,” Levi said, and it wasn’t quite intentional. He felt the tips of his ears burning as he turned his stare away, observing the patterned, granite floors reflecting the lights of the ceiling.

“Are you mad?” She was still whispering, but the curiosity was pretty evident.

“No.” He responded to her gaze again. “I’m not mad. I just know something was bothering you and I want to learn what.”

“Levi,” she sighed, leaning against his shoulder more. Her face was inches away, he could smell her distinctive scent this close. “It was nothing. Seriously, it was nothing important and it wasn’t about you.”

Her eyes were sincere, and he knew he could believe her. However, her answer still was not a good enough explanation. “What was it then?”

“I…” She sighed again, biting her upper lip, she looked away. “I was just overthinking, I guess.”

She appeared to be lost for a moment, eyes distant before her fingers brushed his hand which was resting on his knee. She intertwined their hands as she brought her face closer to his neck. “But we are good,” she whispered, her nose touched his skin. Levi leaned in without thinking, rested his cheek on her hair, and hummed approvingly.

“Does this count as PDA?”

It was Mike, of course. Levi was surprised to hear him talking, he had forgotten they weren’t alone. Hange exhaled as if laughing and lifted her head.

“Sorry, I hadn’t told you about this.”

“Yeah, well, Levi did.”

“Really?”

Levi could feel her staring at him probably surprised. “Yes.”

“I am really happy for you both,” Erwin said, with a genuine smile. Maybe they should’ve found someone for him too. He looked somehow lonely.

“Yeah,” Mike agreed, and then narrowed his eyes, the edges of his mouth curling as a mischievous smile. “What was that word, Erwin? I think it was something about ships—”

“For fuck’s sake Mike, shut your damned mouth.”

* * *

“Can I drive?” Hange asked after they had parted ways with the others and were standing next to his car. It was almost eleven-thirty pm, but the street was alive and bright because of the various cheerful Christmas decorations. A big pine tree that was garnished with tones of different colours was standing tall at the beginning of the road. People were chattering, and there was a distant sound of Christmas songs coming from somewhere.

Levi observed her for a second, he didn’t think it was a good idea. “Why?”

“I haven’t drunk anything,” she said, quite reasonably. “And I want to show you something. It is a little away from the city.”

He was suspicious for a few seconds, going through the possible scenarios, but well he hadn’t been seeing her for days and it was hard to tell her no while she looked all in harmony with that huge tree. He threw the keys at her. “Okay, but be careful.”

“Of course,” she said, catching the keys and smiling reassuringly.

It _was_ a bad idea; in fact, it was the _worst_ idea ever.

“Holy fucking God, Hange!” Levi shouted as he clung to the handle of the door with one hand and the handle above the door with the other. “Did you mean to show me my fucking grave?”

Hange laughed like she was a mad scientist who had just found the cure to immortality, the air coming from the open window was blowing her hair wildly. It was so damn cold; his face was almost frozen. They were going at almost 180 km per hour and Levi was quite sure that this was the last day he had seen the sun.

“The road is empty, Levi!” she shouted back.

“But it is slippery you idiot! It had snowed the whole night!”

“It’s okay!” She yelled as the car jumped forward with even more speed. Levi gasped, gripping the handles even tighter. He felt the blood on his face draining.

“I am going to die,” he murmured to himself.

Yet, Hange had heard him somehow. “No Levi, listen!” she exclaimed. “This is not what I want to show you but right now I am teaching you something.”

“Are you fucking kidding me, you goddamn lunatic?” Levi yelled in awe.

“No!” She started to laugh again. “I am teaching you how to feel alive!

Levi couldn’t quite grasp the idea of feeling alive while he was seconds away from being dug under the cold earth. Yet, as he watched her laugh, and the way the lights of the lamps along the road danced on her face, and the brown strands of her hair moving in all ways madly, he thought that maybe someday he might as well.

After the most torturous ride of his whole life finally came to an end, he threw himself out of the car immediately, inhaling cold, winter air to his lungs as he waited for nausea to go away.

“Aaah, this was the best thing I’ve ever done.”

Levi was going to kill her if he didn’t die of an overload of adrenaline first that is. He leaned over, resting his hands on his knees.

“Are you all right?” Hange asked, standing next to him.

“You almost killed me, idiot,” he hissed.

“Come on, don’t be dramatic.” She poked his shoulder lightly. “We have a long way to climb.”

“What?” He straightened up and saw her looking at something from her shoulder.

When he followed her gaze, he met with a snowy hill, leading up to a top which only had a bare tree, its branches filled with white snow. It wasn’t a very high hill, but it was thick with who knows how much centimetres deep snow, and Levi wasn’t feeling quite well.

“Hange you know, I don’t really enjoy living but I don’t want to die on my fucking birthday either.”

“I swear it is going to be worth it,” Hange pressed, taking his hand and pulling him together with herself to the side of the hill. “Come on.”

Levi wondered if she had cast some kind of a spell on him for he obviously wasn’t able to tell her no in any case today. He started to climb behind her, grunting and swearing every now and then when he stepped too deep into the snow, or tripped down and struggled to get up again. His fingers were red and stiff because of the snow, he was sniffing, and his cheeks hurt like thousands of icy little daggers were digging into his skin. It had started to snow again, but it wasn’t heavy. Hange did look quite comfortable unlike Levi like she knew the road by heart. If it wasn’t for him, she would be already on the top. Well, it was the least of his concerns right now.

“Fuck,” he hissed as his left foot buried too deep into the snow. He tried to save it, but it only made him lose his balance, he reached out and grabbed Hange’s arm as he gasped loudly and fell on his back. Hange let out a surprised howl as she landed on top of him.

“Shit, I fucking hate winter,” he groaned, feeling the snow touching his nape under his scarf and it sent chills along his body.

Hange was blinking down at him, still under the shock of their respective fall, but it didn’t take long for her to start laughing.

“Look at you!” she yelled, grinning widely. “You are grumpier when it’s snowing.”

“I don’t like it,” he said, sniffling.

Hange realized the situation his nose was currently in, “Oh, wait I think I have some tissues,” she said, and let go of her hands which were holding her above Levi. Yet, as she did so she too lost her balance because she hadn’t thought further when letting go obviously, and her head crashed against his nose.

He groaned in pain, holding his nose as a sharp ache spread from it. “Goddammit, Hange!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she said, out of breath between her thick giggles. She seemed like she was having a hard time breathing as she was both searching her pockets and laughing at the same time. Her body was pressed on him and she wasn’t trying to get up either.

“Here,” she said, after quite a struggle, dangling a white tissue above his eyes. Levi took it, hoping it was clean, and wiped his nose. Hange in the meantime had put her elbow on the snow above his shoulder and was resting her head on her hand. Being watched while blowing his nose wasn’t very pleasant so he quickly finished his work.

“You are cute,” Hange said after he put the tissue in his pocket. He looked up to see the snow falling down on her, clinging to her hair like little white butterflies. The edges of her lips were curled up as a smile so small and yet so warm that for a second he forgot about the coldness on his skin.

He wasn’t drunk, because he didn’t drink enough to be and he was at his most conscious self as he said, “You are beautiful.”

The reaction in response wasn’t quite like he had expected. “What? No, I’m not.”

Levi blinked his eyes in confusion. “Ha?”

Hange looked away, an abrupt redness loomed in her cheeks. “I’m—no, Levi, don’t—ugh. You are acting weird.”

“And you are blushing.”

“I am not.” She struggled to stand up, pressing her hands painfully hard on his shoulders as she did so. He couldn’t believe that his first attempt to compliment someone ended up him lying on his back on the freezing snow, blinking up at the sky as snowfall landed on his face gently as if mocking him.

“Come on, get up,” Hange said, and Levi was relieved to hear her voice in its usual tone. “And follow my steps this time.”

Levi sighed, turned to his side taking support from his hands to stand on his feet. He cleaned the snow that was hanging on his shoulders and pants with his hands. The back of his legs was slightly damp, and it made him uncomfortable but there was nothing he could do at the moment anyway. He checked his watch to see that it was over midnight already so it was officially his birthday and Christmas for that matter. He then continued to climb up following Hange.

“How did you find this place?” he asked when her easy steps made him wonder just how many times she had done this before.

“My mother used to bring me here,” she said, taking slow but sturdy steps one by one.

“What’s so special about it to bear this torment?” he grunted with discontent.

“You’ll see.”

By the time they made it to the top the snow was rolling in heavier and thicker. His eyes were watching below to avoid tripping down as much as he could. When the ground became flat and the steps he was taking easier he lifted his gaze from the snowy ground and saw Hange standing with her back to him, watching the view the top of the hill had presented. Her hair was almost white with the now bigger and round snowflakes and it was moving slowly with the cold wind. Her hands were inside of her pockets and even though he couldn’t see her face he knew that she was smiling. Levi thought that it was better not to say anything and approached from behind to stand next to her.

And _hell_ , Hange was right.

Levi never quite understood what made people so excited about the winter season. Considering him, all that snow, cold, sickness, his hands which were insistently not warming and his clothes which he wore on top of the other were nothing but misery. It was true that the snow was to some extent, partly that is, did bring some beauty but in the end, winter was a dead season. Besides, it made life thousands of times harder than it already was.

However, it was inevitable to confess that the view which was stretched out in front of him at this very moment was the prettiest thing he had ever seen in his mortal life.

In one respect it was like being inside of a snow globe. The snowflakes were falling into the city without hurrying, which was shining like millions of torches were lightened up all at once. The sky was floored with thick clouds and the stars were nowhere to be seen but those little white balls were a good enough replacement. The roofs of the houses, the tall buildings, the streets, roads, trees, and simply everywhere were filled with snow but the city was alive with the lights that pertained to it. Levi was as sure as his hands being frozen like Siberian lakes that the thing he was witnessing right now was one of the most beautiful things he could ever encounter. He wasn’t even aware of the fact that his lips were slightly open with surprise and a short, sharp breath had escaped from that space and his eyes had widened with excitement.

A pair of arms wrapped around his waist from behind and Hange’s warm breath dissolved the icebergs in his skin. “Happy birthday, Levi,” she whispered and when she pressed her lips just below his ear, he could feel her smiling against his cold skin.

It was hard to describe. Levi had lived so long with ditches, elevated walls, and sharp boundaries around him. The only thing his heart did was to fulfil its function as an organ and to be honest, he hadn’t really considered that it should’ve been doing something else anyway. He had realized that it was acting strangely ever since Hange had entered his life, he was aware for a long while, but for the first time, he felt the icy layer he wound around his heart unaware crackling and melting. And the ditches which he had been digging for years, the tall walls and firm boundaries becoming dysfunctional.

“These are simple beauties,” she said. “And I think not everyone can see them, and I know that you are always trying to keep yourself a safe distance away, acting like you are stiff and cold but…” She rested her cheek against his own, her skin was as cold as himself, but they had balanced each other. “You have a gentle heart, Levi. And you deserve to see the things that make life easier to live by. I am not saying you should change yourself; I mean I quite like you as you are, but sometimes you look so sad.” Levi was listening without making a sound, but his heart was beating incredibly loud and maybe even she could hear it too. “I just want you to be able to see.”

If it was anyone else it would make Levi uncomfortable to be read so simply, and openly. He didn’t like the part of him which were hidden behind shadows to be seen. Yet, it was Hange and she had the ability to make everything look so easy. And there was nobody else he would let to get close enough to him to hold a mirror before him as she did.

Levi turned his head slightly to the side to look at her. The wind was whistling and howling, the tree that was a few inches away from them was rustling and Hange was smiling at him but there was also a leery look in her eyes as if she wasn’t sure of the reaction he might give. He felt a smile, so wide for his own standards but for once he didn’t care, taking shape on his lips. He moved in her arms to hold her face between his hands and rested his forehead against hers. “Hange” he whispered, as the snow fell down upon them, holding on to their hair. “Thank you.”

* * *

When Levi opened the white light of his bedroom, the figure who was sleeping peacefully in his bed stirred, grimaced and used her hand to restrain the pesky whiteness from disturbing her sleep. Levi walked with determined steps to sit down on the edge of the bed. The quilt had been pulled up to her throat even though she was wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt. The nights were getting colder still.

“Oi, Hange!” He said as he reached forth to grab her hand to take it down, but she was stubborn and abruptly robust. “Wake up.”

She groaned in response, still drowsy and used her other hand to get rid of Levi’s grip. “Not yet,” she grunted, rolling the words in her mouth.

“It’s one am. The time you specifically pointed out to me to wake you up.” 

“Nooo,” she whined, curving her mouth. “I swear I have just closed my eyes.”

“It has been three hours, idiot,” Levi corrected, rolling his eyes. “It is your fault to have a shitty sleeping schedule.”

“Look at who is talking,” she murmured finally removing her hand from her eyes. She blinked up at the ceiling for a while, twisting her face at the lamp before straightening up to sit on the bed. Her brown hair was dispersed like brushwood that was haphazardly thrown on the ground. Levi was curious about the last time she had combed it. Probably a month ago. 

“Fix yours first then you can criticize mine,” Levi said blankly and couldn’t help himself from extending his hand to lay down some of the wild hair.

It had been a week since the new year, and everything was quiet _ordinary_ so to say. Except for the days in which Hange came to his house to sleep, basically, like today. She had said that she had to study hard for she had been neglecting work lately -she had also blamed Levi for it- but she also wanted to see him as well. And so they had found a solution, albeit not one you would expect from a genius but they were contented with it anyway.

“Yeah, whatever, grumpy.” Hange looked around for her glasses and after some very itemised search, found them under the quilt. 

“You can just stay,” Levi offered, knowing the answer, but there was no harm trying.

“I can’t,” she declined, throwing the quilt away and dangled her legs from the bed. “I have to study, and you are distracting me.”

“I am not distracting you,” Levi said, defending himself. He was no distraction. Not at all. “You are distracting yourself.”

“Puff..” She threw him an unimpressed look and reached out for her sweatpants on the floor. “That’s the same thing and I don’t want to face with Erwin’s wrath.”

“You can tell him to fuck off.”

“No, Levi,” she sighed, wearily. “He is my boss.” 

“Not mine.” He watched her as she lifted the sweatpants up to her waist. “I can tell him.”

“You are just trying to get me unemployed so I can stay here forever.” She undid her hair to tie it again carelessly.

“That’s not a bad idea.”

“No,” Hange said getting closer to squeeze his cheeks between her hands. “I refuse to be the “angel in the house”.”

“I think you would be more like “the madwoman in the attic.” He managed to grunt out. “Or in an apartment in this case.”

Hange gasped and gave his cheeks their earned freedom back. “Levi!” She yelled, but apparently, she wasn’t that much offended for she let out a laugh soon after. “That was rude!” 

Levi felt the side of his lips curling up as a playful smile while he watched her laugh. Hange stared longingly at his mouth like it was a bowl of candy and she was a little child who was not allowed to eat. “Oh God,” she whispered. “I am so doomed.”

In response Levi put his hand on her neck to pull her down, pressing her mouth against his. She gripped his shoulders and kissed him for only a few short seconds before pulling back. “I can’t,” she said, voice full of regret, and put her palm on his mouth. She looked at him, eyes burning with resolution. “But I will stay tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” Levi said, voice muffled. 

“Okay,” she nodded her head, smiled at him one last time before turning around and practically running out of the room like she didn’t trust herself enough to walk slowly.

Levi snorted and shook his head. Then acted like he wasn’t smiling at all to himself like a goddamn fool or as if he had some very important tools missing in his head.

That night Levi woke up with the smell of smoke.

At first, he couldn’t fully understand what that scent would belong with his hazy state. He blinked his eyes in the dark waiting for his sight to be clear and his conscious to be thoroughly settled down. When he realized that the smell didn’t belong to a dream or to a product of his imagination his instincts took over and he jumped off the bed throwing the quilt away.

The first thing that came to his mind was to go through the house and to confirm that the smell wasn’t coming from the kitchen or any of the other rooms. He checked the kitchen, the living room and even the bathrooms. As a conclusion of a detailed examination, he saw that there was no problem in anywhere of the house. 

No, the smell wasn’t coming from inside the house it was coming from outside and to be more specific, it was coming from the balcony side.

After this realization, his hands became cold in seconds and he stood rigid in the middle of the corridor. As he went through the possibilities, he felt like his chest was being pressed on by a giant, iron stamp and he gasped for breath. He didn’t know just how much time it took for his feet to listen to his commands again, but when he barely threw himself to the balcony what he had encountered was flames.

Red and orange ominous flames.

“Hange,” he yelled, as his hands held the railings tight. The doors of her balcony were closed but he could see the black, ebony smokes behind the closed glass. “Hange!” he shouted again but there was no answer or movement but the rustle of the plants on her balcony. He didn’t even remember the last time he had tasted the fear so severely and breathed its heavy and sour smell in which was now mixed with the odour of ashes.

 _No_ , he thought. _No, no, no_.

Not again.

_Not again._

It was this thought that had moved his body which was stiff like a soil that hadn’t been watered for years. He loosened his grip on the railings and pulled them back. Then turned around to throw himself off the balcony and the apartment next. He hadn’t even thought of getting his keys, in fact, he didn’t even remember if he had closed the door behind him. It took almost a minute for him to jump down the stairs two-three at a time and get out of the building. 

The front of Hange’s building was like the doomsday. 

People had crowded around. The air was filled with worried chatters, the crackling of the flames and the smell of fire. Levi stumbled among the crowd, his eyes scanned the faces, looking for a pair of glasses, messy hair and a soothing smile. As each of the faces his eyes touched disappointed him, the pressure in his chest became unbearable. 

“Hope everyone is out,” he heard someone say. A woman in her forties. 

“I heard there was a little girl left inside.” another one answered, her voice steady like she wasn’t affected at all. “I think the scientist girl on the third floor went back inside to save her.”

“Oh dear,” the first woman said woefully. “I hope they both make it out.”

Levi didn’t listen any longer.

“Hange!” he roared as he rushed forward. His eyes couldn’t see anything but the increasing flames that were surrounding the building like they were blind to anything else. He felt the flames licking his face and the heat burning his skin but before he could make it inside his arms had been caught by unfamiliar hands.

“Let go!” he shouted. “Son of a bitch!”

“You cannot go inside!” A voice replied yelling back. “Are you crazy?

“Get off me!” snarled. 

But the hands tightened around his biceps and they pulled him back. Levi struggled, wallowed and swore but when another arm wrapped around his chest all of his efforts became fruitless. “Hange!” he yelled. His cries were filled with regret and despair as if he had built a barrier in front of them long before to stop them from going out. He repeated her name again and again. Roaring like thunder as his chest grumbled like lightening. Maybe if his cries were to reach heaven they would make it rain. “No, no, no…” He was repeating the word almost unconsciously until he said, “I can’t let you go again.” 

Just then the ancient, dusty chest in his mind quaked. A sharp pain crossed his eye and he gasped. His body slowed down its movements, he felt his legs go numb as he kneeled down. He felt the hands holding him disappear and he heard some strange voices talking to him, but he couldn’t listen and couldn’t answer as the pain spread from his eye to his head making him growl in pain.

And the lock of the chest shattered, the lid opened and the suppressed, buried memories inside of the chest which was struggling and floundering to go out were disentangled. At that very moment, Levi remembered.

He remembered everything.

_It’s Levi._

_That was really amazing. I was overwhelmed with excitement._

_They wouldn’t worship you that much if they knew that you were an obsessive clean-freak._

_But the titans don’t have a digestive system._

_I can see an abnormal already._

_Where?_

_Here._

He was breathing so hard, his lungs were a pair of balloons inside of his ribcage. 

_Give up your dreams and die._

_Hange!_

_I have people I want to bring back too._

_He is already dead._

_So, let’s meet them ourselves. If they don’t understand who we are we just have to teach them._

_Maybe we should just live here together, right, Levi?_

_What if we run and hide like this?_

_Oh, so you heard me talking to myself huh._

_I know you. You cannot stay out of action._

_Yeah, that’s right. I can’t._

Levi held his head between his hands as the images flashed one after the other in his mind. At some point, he noticed that his face was wet, but he didn’t even remember crying. 

_My time has come._

He shuddered as the last memory stood out among the thousands of them. “No,” he whispered. 

_Just let me go like this._

“No,” he groaned.

_Dedicate your heart._

“Fool,” he snarled at himself hanging on to his hair. “You goddamn fool. What have you done?”

“Levi!” 

There were hands on his shoulder, and sounds of coughing, the smell of burnt clothes and ash. 

“Hey, hey look at me!” A cracked, husky voice and coughs again. “What happened?”

Hange. It was Hange. Levi tried to focus his blurry gaze on her as she became gradually lucid. Her face was painted with soot, one side of her glasses was slightly cracked, and her eyes were full of apprehension. It was so stupid; he was the one to be worried sick.

“Hange?” he asked like couldn’t believe the figure he was seeing before his eyes.

“I’m here,” she said with a hoarse voice.

She was indeed. Solid, alive and breathing. She wasn’t a dream, and she wasn’t a memory. She was as real as the tears on his cheek.

“Damn,” he laughed like choking, voice struck somewhere in his throat. “Damn, four-eyes.”

She frowned, confused. Right, he had never called her before like this. Not in this life.

“Levi what are you…”

He couldn’t hear the rest of the sentence as his mind finally shut itself down and he was buried deep down into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter killed me I knew it was going to be hard even before I started writing but it just got out of hand. I need some very good stewed tea rn
> 
> Comments are so very much appreciated. please feel free to drop a few words or so if you have time ^^
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> p.s. credits to Wikipedia for the "shipping" definition. I just think that Erwin would choose to read directly from the source rather than try to interpret it idk


	8. in the faint moonlight the grass is singing

_ Knock. Knock. Knock. _

Levi frowns at the papers spread all over on the table before him under the dim light of a dying candle. The night is pitch dark behind his window, but it is tranquil and mute. He cannot think of anyone coming to his room at this hour. People run a mile from his sheer existence, or some basically doesn’t bother talking to him, and few of them look down on him both literally and metaphorically. 

Hence, Levi has no guesses, and he is kind of annoyed to be disturbed. Not that he is extremely occupied with anything, to be honest, but the silence of his room in the late-night hours is the only thing that is close to peace nowadays.

He doesn’t need to ponder much though for he soon finds out who has come when the door slams open without him answering for the person to come in. He turns around kind of alert because he doesn’t yet trust a lot of people here even though it has been three or four months almost. There, among the shadows stands a silhouette, tall and brunette. The glasses are shining and there is an evil smile on her face.

“Good night, Levi.” Hange Zoe grins and it makes her look exactly as she is. A complete lunatic.

“What are you doing here?” he asks or rather hisses under his breath. She is not someone he would like to see during the daylight, and he cannot even bear to have her in his room under the lacking light of a poor candle.

“I have an offer,” she says casually, and the door clicks behind her. Levi stares at the closed door like he can make it open just by looking at it intensely.

“Declined.”

“You haven’t heard it yet.” She walks, annoyingly close. Levi realizes that she is still wearing her uniform and her green cloak falls from her shoulders. 

“Leave my room.”

“No.” she rests her hands on her knees as she approaches her face to his. Levi almost withdraws on instinct. He loathes having anyone this close. And he particularly doesn’t fancy seeing her eyes shining with its usual wicked light like she has just found an invaluable test subject and cannot wait to start inspecting it. It makes him uneasy.

“Get the hell away from me, you freak,” Levi says, twisting his mouth in disgust. She smells like earth blended with a tentative mint odour, pine and something suspiciously close to horse shit. 

“I was reading an old book,” she starts like Levi had been talking to a fucking ghost all the while. “And I saw that in the past people used something called “fireworks” to get rid of the bad spirits and to celebrate important events.”

Levi stares unimpressed into her brown eyes which are a shape darker in the dim light, yet they are still radiant with newfound, precious knowledge. “And what the hell would I do with that information?”

“I’ve found some supplies in the warehouse,” she whispers as if someone can hear them. “They are mostly useless so I thought I can use them for some entertainment.”

“You can’t do that.” Levi is new to the Survey Corps but even he knows that the supplies are limited, and they are not to be used just for fun. 

“Well, I can actually,” she smirks, and he wants so badly to wipe it off her face that he feels a muscle twitch in his jaw. 

“You do realize that those things do not grow on earth right, shitty-glasses?” 

“I know, shorty. I’ve been here longer than you.” She straightens up. “But as I said the ones I’ve found are old and pretty much useless. Some mood change won’t cause us any harm.”

“What do you want from me?” Levi asks straightforward. He has a bad feeling about this. Talking to her is like trying to cross a river by stepping on rotten woods.

“I want you to come with me,” she says and there it is, the wood cracks and his foot slips.

“No,” Levi refuses, outright. There is clearly something extremely wrong with her. Levi just doesn’t know what. “Leave me out of your bullshit. I don’t have time for this.”

“You have to,” Hange says as the annoying smirk disappears. She looks serious all of a sudden and for some reason, it is even more disturbing. 

“I don’t have to do shit.” Levi attempts to turn back his work. “Now get the hell out of here.”

“Yes, you do.” Hange insists, and Levi reluctantly gives her a side look. She folds her arms on her chest. “I won’t leave until you accept.”

Levi inhales through his nose. A tardy, deep breath to ease his nerves. He has dealt with way worse people than a mad scientist. He can take care of this. Maturely. “What if I don’t?”

Hange tilts her head a bit to the back and it makes her goggles reflect the yellow light. For a moment he cannot see her eyes as one side of her lips turns upwards with an uncanny grin. “I stay here all night and make weird noises.”

Right, maturely. He has forgotten that who he is dealing with is the direct opposite of it. Levi is pretty sure that she will simply make weird titan noises all night to draw attention which will lead both of them eventually to downhill. He is also aware that Hange is awkward although remarkably smart and he knows that she is not joking around.

“Why don’t you annoy that sticky assistant of yours?” Levi tries one last time. He thinks of forcing her out of his room. It wouldn’t be hard. Hange is overly slim and considering that she is using most of the nutrients she consumes for her brain it would be child’s play. But she is noisy and stubborn. There is no way she would keep quiet and they would end up making a scene. Down a hill again. Levi doesn’t like where this is going.

“Moblit is no fun,” Hange says with a cursory wave of her hand. “Wear your 3 DMG. We are going up to the walls.”

* * *

Hange doesn’t talk because they need to be quiet as they walk away to find a part of the wall which is more isolate and calmer. Their heads are covered with the hood of their cloaks like they are going on a top-secret mission which they kind of are. Levi questions the motives that had made him follow her as his boots rattle on the pavements. Is he bored? Yes, he is. Had he been bored to the extent of possibly contravening the rules? Apparently. Is he going to regret this? Without a doubt, he is. Could he have been able to throw her out of his room one way or the other? Most probably he could’ve. And will he stop now and go back to his room despite her threats and thus escape not being sentenced to any kind of punishment? No, he won’t. And in conclusion, why does he follow her?

He has no fucking idea.

“This is good enough,” Hange says as they stop near the wall where there is no noise but the silent rustle of the lawn. 

Levi doesn’t say anything in response, and they use their 3 DMG to go up to the wall. He lands easily on the ground and Hange is a couple of metres away from him. “This way,” she gestures with her head. They start walking again to the direction Hange has pointed. The only light source they have is the pale, white light the full moon provides and the torchlights down on the streets. Levi watches the sky as he keeps his face carefully blank because the vastness and the infinity of a dark fabric is still an absorbing sight for him. Even though it also makes him remember the two other people who had seen the immensity of the sky along with him but couldn’t have the time to watch the thousands of different shades of it. 

“Here we are!” Hange announces and Levi takes his eyes away from above. She stands in front of a thing which he doesn’t have any idea of what it contains but it looks complicated as hell. He stares at it suspiciously, because it also kind of looks like a bomb and Levi realizes that he hadn’t even asked what that thing she had told him about was. And now he suspects it being something that is explosive, and it doesn’t even surprise him. 

“The hell is that?”

“Fireworks!” she yells, and she practically bounces on her feet. “We are going to blow it up!” 

Dammit, he fucking knew. “I don’t think this is a good idea, four-eyes.”

“No, this is going to be superb if everything goes as planned.” She is diddling as she takes something out of the pocket of her pants. Levi doesn’t understand what it is until he sees a little, yellow light and then realizes that it is a match. He feels his eyes widen. She indeed isn’t joking. Fuck. He hadn’t thought that his end would be like this. Even dying in a rancid mouth of a damned titan would be more honourable.

“Stay back!” She shouts and Levi doesn’t even think twice as he takes a couple of steps back. Hange kneels and gets the fire closer to the explosive thing and Levi puts his hand on top of his gear under his cloak, ready to jump down in case “everything does not go as planned”. If he acts fast enough, he can even take that fucking idiot with him as well. She is a valuable soldier in the end. Losing her would be a huge con on their side. 

Hange holds the match near the “fireworks” for a few seconds. Levi watches with a deep frown, tense shoulders and fingers tight around the haft. After she takes her hand back, she shakes the match quickly for the fire to die away. Then jumps to her feet and turning around runs towards him with a wide grin on her face. Her eyes as bright as almost becoming a third source of light in the night.

She doesn’t slow down even when she is mere centimetres away from him. “Watch out!” she warns as he only has time for a surprised “What—” before her body crashes against him and they fall backwards together. It isn’t a comfortable fall, his gear slam against the ground and a loud noise of metal mauls the quietness of the night. His back hits the cold surface hard and he clenches his teeth to stop any sound coming out of it. 

“Are you fucking crazy?” he hisses. Anger is not a feeling he is accustomed to or lets himself be captured by easily. Yet at the moment he is so full of it that it might make him explode before that fucking “fireworks”.

“I am just trying to protect you,” Hange says as she looks down at him, still grinning wide. Levi wonders if it hurts her cheeks. Not that he gives a fuck though.

“Get off me,” he snarls and struggles to lift himself up by using his elbows. Hange rolls to the side but doesn’t stand up as she tilts her head backwards to look at the sky. 

“Hey, shorty.” She laughs and at this point, Levi is more than sure that she has gone mad because she uses a fair amount of brain. “I think it is going to work.”

Then something explodes.  _ That thing _ explodes and the sound is so loud it hurts his ears. He feels his insides shake with the noise, and he looks up with widened eyes to see red, yellow and green lights illuminating the black sky. It is a sight to behold, to commit to memory attentively because when explosions come after the other and various shades of light paint the sky with glittering colours, he knows that it is a view he can witness only once in his life. It is a beauty forbidden to this world.

“Fuck,” he breathes.

“Wohooo!” Hange jumps up and down, arms reaching up to the sky. Levi doesn’t even remember himself getting up. It must’ve been his mind and the desire to be closer to that source of light that had moved his body unconsciously. There are confused, excited and bewildered voices coming from afar, most probably from the people down the wall.

“It worked!” She laughs as the loud noises of the explosions cease and the sky is back to its tranquil blackness again. Levi doesn’t take his gaze away from it for a while, repeating the scene in his mind and trying to picture it in front of his eyes. Only when he senses a living being dangerously close to him does he look away and suddenly he is face to face with Hange’s wicked grin and eyes which are burning with undying excitement. 

“I saw it,” she says, with a low voice like she is revealing his darkest secret and takes an unhealthy amount of pleasure out of it while doing so. “You were smiling.” 

He keeps his expression straight as he looks up at her. He doesn’t accept but doesn’t object either. Because even if he did smile, he hadn’t been aware of it.

“Squad-leader!” 

Levi had never thought he would be thankful to Moblit for saving him. Hange is still smiling at him as she withdraws her face and steps away. Her knowing gaze lingers on his dark stare for a few seconds more before switching to Moblit. “Yo, Moblit!” She waves her hand exaggeratedly.

“Hange-san, what…” The man breathes heavily. Apparently, he has been running for a while to reach them. He looks at what is left from the fireworks with worried and kind of weary eyes. “What have you done?”

“Aah, don’t tell me you didn’t see it, Moblit!” Hange exclaims woefully.

“Of course, I did,” Moblit says. “It was impossible not to.”

“Hange.” 

A stricter voice which Levi recognizes immediately joins them. Erwin walks with firm steps as his cloak flutters behind him. There is no smooth line on his stone-cold face. He is utterly serious as he has every right to be. 

_ We are so fucked up,  _ Levi thinks to himself.

“Erwin!” Hange doesn’t seem to be sharing the same concerns with him. She grins happily at Erwin as he approaches them and stops a couple of steps away. “It is a good night, isn’t it?”

Erwin gives Levi a second’s look before saying, “Hange, do you realize the consequences of what you have done?”

“Of course.” She changes his posture to stand in attention, putting her fist on her heart. Hange Zoe is a lot of things but she is not disrespectful. “I will take responsibility, but I will ask you to consider the after-effects of it on people. It was a one-time thing, and my only purpose was for them to have some fun. I thought it would change the mood for the better.” She gives Levi a look from the corner of her eyes and smiles. “And I believe it has worked quite well.”

“Levi,” Erwin finally directs his attention to him. “What are you—”

“Captain Levi has just arrived before you,” Hange cuts in, looking back at Erwin. “As expected from humanity’s strongest  _ and _ fastest.” 

Erwin stares at both of them silently, as if he knows what is going on but he has no evidence in hand. A handful of seconds pass as Levi waits patiently for him to say something. 

“Very well.” He turns his back to them. “Hange, follow me.”

Moblit looks at her with apprehension as she puts his hand down and starts walking behind Erwin. The three of them jump down the wall, leaving Levi alone and confused. And he tilts his head back, looks at the sky and sees two tiny, little stars shining with a flickering, feeble light. He hadn’t noticed them before. He had only thought that the view above was just plain darkness. Why does he see them now? And what is the small, little fire coming to life inside of him? Among the snowy mountains and frozen lakes and infinite coldness? 

The fire flutters in the shape of a smile and Levi closes his eyes. Because such beauty is forbidden to this world.

* * *

Levi stands outside of her room, looking at the rough surface of the door, his hand is holding the handle. How long has it been since he has come here? It must have been nearly five minutes and still, he cannot open the door and step inside. He is not even sure why he is here. He doesn’t even know if there is anything he can do. And he has no idea what her reaction will be when she sees him.

He hears the roar of thunder from afar and stops thinking as he lowers the handle, opens the door and steps inside.

The room is dim with only the faint light of the lamp on her desk as he closes the door behind him. He takes careful steps inside, trying to be as silent as possible in case she is sleeping. And she is. 

For a moment he watches her, lying on her side, knees pulled up to her chest she has almost taken the shape of a ball, curling up to herself. The blanked is wound around her legs. She looks somehow small, as she buries her head inside of her elbow which is resting on top of her pillow. She is restless, he can tell from her knitted brows and tight lips, and eyes that are shut firmly. There are traces of sweat on her neck, and he can see the shivers running through her body. 

He takes a few more steps and sits on the chair located in front of the window. He listens to the irregular clattering of the raindrops hitting against the glass. And he stares at the upright flare of the lamp. 

He hears the quiet moan escaping her lips. 

She gasps loud and thick as she wakes up from her nightmare. Her fingers grip the sheets as she sits on the bed. Her body is trembling, her hair loose and sweaty falling down her shoulders. A few seconds pass as she stares into nothing, eyes wide with terror. 

Then her body stiffens. “Who is there?”

“It’s me,” Levi responses without any delay. He doesn’t want her to face any more fear than she is right now. 

“Levi,” Hange breathes, her voice comes out like she is relieved. Her head turns towards him, and she narrows her eyes. “You are blurry.”

“Where are your glasses?” Levi asks as his eyes look for them around the room.

“I don’t know,” she replies and draws her knees to herself. She puts her forehead on top of them as she wraps her arms around her legs. 

Levi cannot think of anything to say or to do. He has never been the one to comfort others, or even himself. Hange might not need comfort anyway. She is strong both physically and mentally. But they all have the times when the lofty and forceful ramparts become useless. Losing two of your best friends is one of them. 

“Can I…” Hange starts, she still breathes in heavily like she is trying to hold something inside as if it is big enough to consume her if it comes out. “Don’t get me wrong but…” She buries her head deeper on her knees as her arms become tighter around them. And her voice trembles only vaguely as she says, “Can I ask you to leave?”

He doesn’t question her wish and doesn’t even give it a second thought before getting up from his seat to walk towards the door. He is not offended; he can understand the reason why she doesn’t want him to see her like this. Exposing one’s weakness to others sometimes can be even more fearful than facing man-eating, colossal creatures. Yet he stops, no matter what, in front of the door again holding the handle. This time not being able open to the door to step out. He cannot bring himself to leave her alone.

“Will you freak out if you see me cry?” She asks, voice hoarse.

It is not the best thing to say at the moment, but he cannot think of anything else. “It won’t be the first time I see water coming out of your eyes,” he replies, remembering the times she had laughed so hard that she had practically cried and the times she had drunk a glass of peppery brine without knowing how spicy it was. Hange makes a noise close to a laugh but it is far away from being one of her genuine ones. He turns back to sit once more on the chair in front of the window. 

Hange turns her back to him as she lays back down and pulls the blanket over her shoulders. She is hiding and Levi only hears the silent, trembling breaths and short sniffs as he watches her shivering body under the covers.

“Mike didn’t come back, did he?” She asks between the low, narrow sobs. She is trying to differ the reality from the dream he realizes. And she most probably wishes for the dream to be just a dream and the reality to be something better. But she knows as well as he does that the world they live in is no better than a nightmare.

“He didn’t,” Levi answers, tone straightforward and he wants to add some sentimentality in it just to show her that she isn’t alone in her sorrow. But he can’t. He is not used to it.

“And Nanaba…”

“Yes.” He wants to say,  _ I’m sorry,  _ too, but what is the point to it? Does it even matter if he puts his feelings into words or not? It won’t change anything. At the end, who are dead will stay dead and who has fallen into the pit of grief will stay floundering inside.

He turns his eyes to the window and watches the tiny raindrops hitting and slipping down slowly against it. Hange cries silently behind and he wishes he could have something like fireworks to change her mood, to give her a short period of relief and oblivion. Yet he only has the sharp, butchering knife of the reality in his hands and they are already wet with blood. When a bolt of lightning illuminates the night for a short while he sees his own reflection on the surface of the glass. He only takes a glance of himself and he tries to think of the last time he had seen the lines of his face crumpled with the same amount of sorrow.

* * *

About two and a half months later he stands in front of her door again. 

This time he doesn’t hesitate to open the door and step inside. This room is bigger than her previous one, but it is still messy with books and wrinkled clothes dispersed all around. There is a big pile of white papers on top of her desk along with an empty teacup, an open book and the faint, yellow light of a lamp. The atmosphere is both familiar and strange. This time she is already awake, sitting on the edge of the bed. Her back is facing him thus he cannot see her face, but he sees the tremble in her bare shoulders. She wears a black tank top, rests her elbows on her knees and the hair falling from her ponytail touches her skin. Some strands are clung to her neck which is wet with sweat. 

Closing the door behind him, he walks to the chair in front of the window again but his time rather than sitting it there he takes it and places it in front of her, only then does he sit down. Their knees touch, Hange doesn’t look up to see who has come because she already knows. There is no one left to come to visit her in the middle of the night other than him.

“I won’t freak out,” he says when he realizes that her face is dry save for the lustre of sweat on her forehead. She takes regular, deep breaths but her body is still shivering although barely visibly. 

At last, she sends him a surprised look. She doesn’t wear her eyepatch. The skin on her left eye is rough and scratched. The eye has lost its light. Levi wonders if there is still enough source of fire inside of her other eye to burn with equal passion as before. 

“Ah,” she lets out a half-hearted laugh as she understands the meaning behind his words. “I won’t cry.” She sighs then, her eye leaving him to focus on something on his shoulder. “I don’t have the energy.”

Levi has never been good with words and as she lifts her hand her to rest her forehead on it, he cannot voice out the thoughts and the secret promises he makes inside. He wants her to understand though therefore he reaches for her hand to put it down with his own, his thumb caresses her fingers, her body is warm, but her fingertips are cold on his skin. Then he leans forward to rest his forehead on hers. 

_ You can lean on me. _

“It has been two weeks,” she whispers. “I should’ve gotten used to it already.”

“You have time.” His thumb continues to draw invisible cycles on her fingers and her shivering ceases bit by bit.

“I don’t know,” she laughs but it is vapid. “I don’t think Erwin has made a good choice—”

“Don’t go there,” Levi cuts in, firmly. “Don’t.”

Her fingers curl inside and squeeze his own tightly. He wishes he could just erase the unpleased, unwelcomed and sombre thoughts from her mind. He wants to scatter the dark clouds that are closing the rays of the sun inside of her.

“You’re right,” she agrees a short while later. “It’s stupid.”

“It is.” He presses his forehead lightly against hers and decides that it is time to change the subject. “You have a bigger bed here.”

“Hmm,” she murmurs, and Levi opens his eyes to watch the smile he has heard in her voice to shape on her lips. “Hey,” she thugs in his hand. “Don’t get me wrong but, can I ask you to stay here tonight?”

Levi wants to taste the smile on those lips and feel her warm breath in his mouth. The wish to have her arms around him and feel the press of his body against her is so solid that he can feel it run shivers on his skin. He almost leans in to close the little space between their faces, it would be so easy, and he wants it so badly that it creates a fire inside so deep and alive that it burns his stomach. And it’s not like he has never kissed her before but this time he doesn’t trust himself enough to have the willpower to stop. 

He stands up and releases his hold of her hand. Then, they lay down, face to face. The blanket over their shoulders and the wind whistles through the windowsills. On the ceiling, the light of the lamp dances and it creates shadows on her face. Hange holds his hand and brings to her lips and she just keeps it there as she closes her eyes. Like she is holding onto a part of reality as if he is a rope to the surface in case she drowns far too deep in her nightmares. 

Minutes pass as Levi watches her fluttering eyelashes, the slow rise and fall of her shoulders. He is not aware of how much time has passed when he finally falls asleep with the warmth of her skin and the cold of her breath on his hand.

* * *

Levi opened his eyes to a white, inanimate ceiling.

The first thing he had realized was that there was an incredible pain in his head like it was squeezed between two enormous walls. The white, fluorescent light was blinding and accompanied by his headache it made him narrow his eyes as his face was wrinkled with discontent. His lifted his fingers to touch his head and apply pressure along the lines of his forehead. His mind was like the bubbling cauldron of witches, consisting of mixed, irrelevant objects and memories of two different lifetimes. The rising heat was suffocating, he could almost feel the stream fillings his lungs.

He took a glimpse around the room after his sight became gradually clear to see there was no one inside other than him. Then he got up slowly and painfully from the bed he was laying down. The second thing he had realized was that he was in the hospital. And it took him some time to have enough wits to understand that the hospital wasn’t in a world full of man-eating, shitty monsters and flying, green-cloaked soldiers. And he wasn’t the man he was seeing in his dreams.  _ No _ , he thought,  _ they weren’t dreams they were memories. _

Yet the memories had felt so alive that he could almost sense the warmth of Hange’s skin on his hand and the sounds of her regular breathing in his ears. He could almost hear the wind through the windows and imagine the atmosphere of a room lightened by a single lamp. He tried to hold on to reality as he felt himself struggling on a thin rope stretched along with two high buildings. Thinking of her caused a sharp pain inside of his ribcage and he nearly lost the line between the past and present, now and then, as he persistently repeated in his head,  _ she is alive, she is alive, she is alive now. _

He wanted to see with his own eyes that she was okay, but as his feet made a way to the door a heavy realization weighed in his head that he wasn’t, in fact, ready to see her yet. He wasn’t ready to face the confused, unknowing look in her eyes. It was funny that Levi had known her for two lifetimes now, but she somehow felt like a stranger to him. And Levi might’ve been the strongest soldier once yet now he didn’t have the courage to see the woman whom he had always wanted to keep close and to held beside and, in the end, let go.

The world spun slowly around him while he stumbled through the corridors of the hospital, taking support from the walls and ignoring the curious looks of unfamiliar faces. He somehow managed to reach the reception and put his arms on top of the high desk then looked at the woman behind it. He didn’t know if Hange was in this hospital or not, but the chances were high considering she was possibly wounded or had smoke inhalation.

“Hange Zoe.”

“Do you want to visit her?” The receptionist asked as she searched for something from her laptop, tapping the keys quickly.

“No,” Levi said. “I want to know if she is okay.”

“Ah,” the woman raised her brows, surprised. “I am sorry. I don’t have such information.”

Levi had guessed that much, but he couldn’t leave without knowing or at least having an idea of how she was. “Can’t you ask someone? A doctor or anything?” He said a little impatiently. The world finally had come to a stop around him and he gripped the edge of the desk tightly.

“I can tell you where they are taking care of her and you can talk to the doctor yourself,” she said, tone respectful. Levi didn’t give a shit; he wasn’t a four-year-old child. He himself fucking knew that he could talk to a doctor.

“I just want to know if she is okay,” he repeated, between greeted teeth and tried to hold his temper down but he wasn’t at the best state of mind right now. 

“Sir, I’ve told you to—”

“Who are you talking about?” A new voice interrupted. Levi moved his eyes to see it was a man in his forties, wearing a white lab coat. Possibly a doctor.

“Hange Zoe,” he directed his answer to him. “Is she okay?”

The doctor looked at him understandingly and turned to the receptionist. “Was she among the ones that had been brought here this morning because of the fire at Maria Street?”

“Yes,” she confirmed, nodding her head.

“She is fine,” the doctor told Levi. “Just some minor burns in her upper arms and shoulders but there is nothing to worry about.”

He nodded his head unbeknown, relief flew through his veins like fresh, mountain water. It was easier to breathe after hearing the doctor’s confirmation. He stepped away from the reception and walked towards the exit. One part of him crawled, whined and begged him to stay, to just learn where she was. Only for five seconds, long enough to see her okay and breathing and smiling at him. Long enough for her smile to wash away the darkest shade of thoughts invading his brain.

“Sir!” The doctor called from behind him. “Wait, are you okay?”

Levi kept walking, ignoring the calls of the doctor, the ringing in his ears and the high-pitched, forlorn cries of that crawling part inside of him. 

* * *

Levi remembered himself being called “the humanity’s strongest”, he remembered people talking behind him saying that he was a one-man army. “Captain Levi,” people used to whisper when they saw him, he could distinguish the fascination from their voices. Some of them hated the scouts but they respected him despite that. Levi Ackerman. The strongest, the fastest, one of the bravest. The longest-lived veteran. 

He was Levi fucking Ackerman, and he was sick.

Levi gasped and his body trembled as an aftereffect of him throwing his guts out. He gripped tight the sides of the sink after he had flushed the toilet. Sweat drops slipped down from his forehead and dropped into the sink. He had a fever; he could tell from the chills running through his body from head to toe. He had nausea and that was the third time he threw up after he had come home from the hospital. There was nothing left in his stomach, yet the cramps didn’t go away. 

He had used a taxi to come home, he didn’t have any money on him and was somehow relieved to see his door was ajar. After paying the driver off he had lied down on his bed, watching the ceiling with blind eyes as his mind travelled through his memories. He remembered his mother, only vaguely. Then Isabel and Farlan, Kenny, and members of his first squad. Then Mike, Nanaba and the kids. Eren, Armin and Mikasa. He recalled his decision; Armin over Erwin and he recalled the pain as evident as if it were only yesterday. The rumbling, the dead bodies, the warriors. Hange.

So many things, unnumerable loses, his sight was red with blood. Remembering was like opening a newly stitched wound, making it bleed even more, and feeding the pain to no end. His body was reacting obviously, and it was normal, maybe the most mundane thing that had ever happened to him, but he had never been sick before. Not in this life or the other. 

“Humanity’s strongest,” he murmured, bitterly. “My ass.”

There were some changes or one in particular. He realized it when he stood in front of his mirror on the wardrobe. It was ironical and he was somehow amused, but it had also felt like the universe was simply fucking with him. Because he was taller but only by eight centimetres.

His phone was vibrating, insistently so much so that he had to turn it off at some point. The calls were from Hange and Erwin mostly. Some of them from Mikasa, probably wondering where the hell he was. It was so fucking weird to know that he had sent the two of them to their deaths, let them sacrifice themselves and now their names were on the screen of his phone, calling him casually as none of that had happened. They didn’t remember in the end. He counted it as a blessing on their part because remembering that life was like remembering a period spent in goddamn hell itself.

He didn’t even know what the day it was today. And he was unaware of the time. The sun was settling down, he could tell that much while he was lying under a pile of blankets, trying to warm his body. Levi recalled a memory of his mother taking care of Kenny one time when he was sick. She had ripped him out of his clothes until only his underwear was left. It was a memory that belonged to this world because his mother had died when he was fourteen. No growing up with his mother in both lifetimes as it seemed. The universe didn’t like him that much. Levi was quite sure at this point that it hated him even. 

He thought that most probably he too should throw the blankets and take out his sweater and sweatpants. But no force could make him do that. It was cold. Like his body was covered by the snow outside. And Levi didn’t like cold. Only the thought itself made him shiver furiously. No. No way in hell.

His conscious swept in and out as he was drowning in fever dreams, waking up every now and then to find himself even more sweaty than before and trembling even harder. He still had nausea but at one or three times he stood, leaning in to the toilet there was nothing more than dry retching and he ended up spitting only disgusting acidic liquids to it. Then washed his teeth and went lying down on his bed.

He had a feeling that if he were to continue this cycle, as at the same time he was struggling with the ghosts of the past he was going to lose his mind. Nothing made sense and there was no one beside him to share his current situation. He almost reached for his phone to call Hange here. Even if she didn’t remember she could at least be a branch to sanity. He could hold her and feel her warmth and it would be enough to have a sense of reality. And he almost did too but something, that itching feeling that she was going to look at his eyes like she hadn’t been with him from the very beginning and as if they didn’t walk on the same bloody path that had wafted them to their ends together side by side, stopped him. And there was another feeling was it remorse or regret he didn’t know but he kept picturing the last time he had seen her before she had gone to kill three colossal titans on her own. And what had happened just after it.

He distantly heard ringing on his door, it was persistent like the calls and even some loud, hard-knocking followed. He hardly opened his eyes; they were burning with fever and exhaustion of a sick body. He didn’t have the power to lift his hand leave alone walking up to open the door.  _ Tch, _ he thought.  _ How fucking pathetic _ . The last time he was in a similar state was the time he had blown himself up along with Zeke which had cost him an eye and two fingers. He had Hange then though. If it wasn’t for her, he would be dead right then and there. 

The knocking and ringing stopped, and Levi guessed that whoever had come gave up and left. He closed his eyes again and sleep immediately welcomed him. If he had the energy, he would laugh ironically at how affective sleep was being to him. Like paying back for all the times it had left him awake at nights.

The next time he woke up, he woke up with the familiar touch of lips on his forehead. 

“Fuck.” It was her voice, and Levi was surprised at himself to be able to recognize it at such a state. She sounded hoarse though like she was crying. “Fuck you, Levi Ackerman. I am going to kill you when you get better,” she said, voice trembling. Her hot tears burning his face. And that was how he was convinced that it wasn’t a dream.

He opened his eyes and tried to say her name, but his lips were so dry they were almost stuck together. His mouth felt like he wasn’t drinking water for weeks and he probably should’ve drunk some considering that his body was wasting all the water it contained by sweating out. 

“You are burning up,” she put her palm on his forehead which he noticed was cold. He shivered as he watched her wet eyes and cheeks and lips which were red and trembling.

“Why are you crying?” he managed to say, or rather grunt. His voice was so rough it burned his throat. 

“Why am I crying?” She asked, rhetorically. Fire came to life in her eyes and they burned with anger. “Are you serious? I couldn’t find you at the hospital and reach you through your damned phone. I searched everywhere I could think of because I didn’t think you would go to your home directly. I was worried sick, Levi and I almost died this morning. Can you even imagine what thoughts ran through my head when I saw you like that? Then I couldn’t reach you because for some reason you decided to shut me out. I talked to Erwin and he gave me the spare key to your home. He was worried too. Thank fuck that you had the wits to give him spare keys. You scared the shit out of me.” A sob escaped through her lips and she bit down her lower lip to hold the others from following. “You fucking asshole.”

Levi listened to her rightful tirade silently and when she was done he used all the power left in his body to lift his arms. He reached forth and grabbed her elbows to pull her towards him. He wasn’t even surprised to acknowledge his sight getting blurry with hot tears. He was holding them in for so long that it was inevitable for them to spill out at some point. He didn’t care. He didn’t need to be the unyielding, strong and invincible soldier anymore who couldn’t show any sign of weakness. There was no one to hide from and nothing to fear. 

Hange laid down on his chest, her face close to his neck and her tears ran down his skin. He combed her hair back, then hold her tight with both arms. The last time he saw her crying was after the deaths of Mike and Nanaba, and he didn’t think she had ever seen a tear down his cheek back then.

Well, there was a first to anything, and she didn’t remember anything anyway.

“I’m sick,” he said, voice hoarse because of thirst and as a result of  _ crying. _ It felt both bizarre and oddly right. 

“I can see that,” she sniffed and gripped his sweater. “Levi,” she pressed her forehead to his burning neck. “I think you are actually human. We have proof now.”

He kissed her hair, breathing in deeply the odour of mint. Now, the idea of her being a stranger to him was so ridiculous that he didn’t even understand why he had thought about it in the first place. Even her scent was the same as before. Save for the horse shit and pine though. Now they were replaced with the odour of plants and chemicals. Yet it didn’t decrease the familiarity.

He ran his fingers through her hair. Funny that once he would think her hair was dirty and would avoid touching it in every way possible. He didn’t even care now.

“I will kill you if you ever do this to me again,” she said after her crying came to a stop. “And I am not joking.” 

“I thought you were going to kill me after I get better,” Levi replied. His tears had dried on his face. There was not enough water left on his system apparently. 

“I changed my mind.” Her eyelashes fluttered on his skin. “I have other plans to make you beg for your life.”

Levi snorted as his eyelids slowly closed, his fever was still high. “Experiments?” he murmured.

“Oh, no.” Hange shot upright but Levi couldn’t see her expression for his eyes were closed already. “No, don’t sleep. Shit, wait. You gotta eat something then I will give you some antipyretic. Don’t sleep. I will make you some soup.”

He muttered something but it didn’t include any intelligible words. Hange sighed and combed his sweat wet hair back. “I will wake you up once it is ready.” And then a sudden, unexpected cold surrounded his body and he opened his eyes in surprise. “I am also taking these,” Hange said, gripping the blankets in her hands. 

“No,” he made an attempt to take the blankets back, but she was already off the bed along with his dear blankets. “I should even strip you out of your clothes. You must be thankful for my mercy. Rest now, I will wake you up in an hour.”

* * *

Levi didn’t know if it was an hour or more later when he woke up with Hange’s voice and the smell of soup. He didn’t have any appetite, but he had to drink a spoon or two to be able to drink the pill later. She had made stew and it tasted good; the scent reminded him of the one she had cooked around the fire long before. Everything felt awkwardly familiar, but it was also quite strange to have her casually feeding him with stew, gently taking care of him just like she had done in the woods. The only difference was the lack of eyepatch in her left eye and Levi was grateful for that. 

“I will fill the bathtub with mild water,” she said after Levi took the antipyretic. “Your fever is high. This way it should decrease sooner.”

Levi reluctantly took his clothes off leaving only his underwear before he went to the bathroom and his body shivered hard as he stepped into the cold marbles. Hange checked the temperature of the water with her hand. “Get in.”

He did, although quite unwillingly. The water wasn’t that cold, yet he felt each and every hair on his body standing on end. He leaned back, knees resting each side of the tub. Then he eyed Hange who was watching him cautiously as if to make sure he was alright and comfy.

“Come here,” he said. She raised her eyebrows slightly yet didn’t question further. Then took her own clothes off, leaving only the black bra and underpants. It wasn’t going to be their first time in the tub though, but the conditions were substantially different. 

She carefully lowered herself, curling into the space between his legs. Her back to the side of the tub, leaning against his leg. He noticed that there were bandages on her upper arms and one on her shoulder. Feeling angry at himself for not thinking about what had happened just this morning earlier he scowled deeply. He had been too much concerned with himself that he had literally forgotten how he almost lost her one more time barely hours before. His fingers touched lightly to the corner of the bandages, careful not to cause any pain on the sensitive wounds. 

“What happened?” he asked, realizing the fact that he didn’t even know how the fire had started or what was going to happen to her apartment now.

“I don’t really know actually,” Hange replied, looking at him. He took her glasses off and left them on the floor to have a clearer view of her eyes. “I was up studying, and I smelled smoke, but it was hardly visible. I didn’t think it was anything serious at first. Then the smell didn’t go away so I went out to check.” 

She looked away, staring absent-mindedly as she ghosted through the memories in her mind. His fingers drew circles on her arm as he waited for her to continue. 

“The smell was coming from above. I am guessing it is probably a result of negligence. I took my phone and some of my important research papers, didn’t have the time to take much of anything else,” she sighed, her eyes turning dark with woe. “Then I went down and rang the bells while passing by the other doors. The smoke was getting heavier and by the time I got out the flames had already reached down my floor. The ones on the top floor had already gotten out. Then everyone got out fine, fortunately.” She looked back at him again. “Except for the girl on the ground floor.”

“Did you know her?” Levi asked, pushing her messy hair back with his wet hand. 

She ratified by nodding her head. “She was very nice to me when I first moved in. We got along really well. She is very curious about plants and quite sharp too.” She smiled to herself. “Her parents travelled abroad for work, so most of the time she was alone at home. They were coming back today but she was on her own at night. And I couldn’t see her outside.”

“So, you went back to save her,” Levi had sounded vaguely bitter without even intending to be. 

“The flames hadn’t yet reached her apartment and I couldn’t just leave her there, Levi,” Hange explained, frowning lightly at the tone in his voice. “She is only thirteen. And I used the balcony exit to go out. We both didn’t get heavily injured. Just some little burns and they are not that important.”

“What about your home?”

Hange looked particularly sad about her apartment which she had every right to be. Levi knew how dearly she had loved her plants and books. He had been to her apartment before, it was pretty messy as expected from her but also characteristically decorated. It had reflected her with each corner.

“I don’t know. I mean I have insurance and Erwin said he could take care of it. I will check to see if there is anything I can save. Not that I have much hope though.”

Levi rested his forehead against her hair. “Sorry for your books,” he said sincerely. “But I am glad you are okay.” 

Hange took his hand which was holding her neck and intertwined their fingers. “Yeah.” She pulled her head back to look at him in the eyes. “Sorry for worrying you.”

If only she knew. “I was going to lose my fucking mind.”

Hange smiled, a wide, genuine one he had always admired. “We are even then.”

“Hmm,” his eyes moved back to the bandages on her arms. He hadn’t watched her fighting the titans, but he guessed, as the colossal ones were known by their excessive heat, that she had most probably burned to death. 

His fever was going down slowly thus he could think more clearly now. Yet it only made the sorrow and pain he felt sharper. His heart was filled with deep cuts, he could almost feel the pain physically on his skin.

“It must’ve hurt,” he said, not leaving his stare from her wounds, talking about more than the accident she had been through this morning.

“Levi,” letting go of his hand, Hange reached forth to touch his cheek. He had heard the worry in his name but couldn’t response her stare. “Are you going to tell me about what happened?”

The water was getting colder with each second they spend in the tub and his skin was getting wrinkled bit by bit. He thought about telling her with a slight hope of making her remember as well as him. Maybe if he wasn’t the only one to remember, it would be easier to live through every day. However, telling her was hard, and nothing would make sense about a world full of giants, and a life behind the walls. She would be fascinated for sure, but Levi didn’t think it would make her recall those vicious memories of a life that was long gone and long-lived before. For in his case, his subconscious was messing with him for quite a while already. Besides, there was no point in making her remember that life which was full of pain and blood. It would only cause sorrow and nothing more.

Putting the unwarranted thought aside, Levi lowered his head to place his ear on top of her heart with a sudden wish to hear her heartbeat. Hange stiffened only for a second before her hand travelled up through his hair and she rested her cheek on his head. He listened to the pounding of her heart, felt the warmth of her skin along with the rise and fall of her chest. It helped him focus on  _ right now _ than the hideous memories of what had already been lived and lost.

“The water is almost cold,” she whispered after a while. “Come on.”

They got out of the tub together and dried themselves with the towel that was hanging down on top of the door. Then he went back to his room and changed into new, clean clothes. Hange wore a boxer from his drawer and a t-shirt he had bought accidentally two sizes bigger almost a year ago. She helped him change the sheets of the bed, spread fresh ones and throwing away the others which were wet with his sweat. He was feeling better but there was nothing to do other than getting back in his bed. And he wanted to lay down with her to his side this time. 

Under the blankets were cold but Hange was warm when she pulled him on top of her and they kissed slowly as minutes passed one after the other. Her fingers were on his hair, neck and each side of his face. Her breaths were hot against his mouth, and her body soft under him. His fingers traced down the lines of her waist, hip and leg. The flames of desire burned high inside of him. The arching of her back and the soft sound she made caused a shiver down his back, while her fingers dipped down on his shoulder blades. 

“I want you,” she whispered, breathing heavily after pulling back.

She did notice him trying to hold himself back then, but he didn’t know how he could explain himself to her. How could he tell her that he was holding back because he had never touched her like this before? And now it didn’t seem fair both on his side or on her side to go on like this. 

“I know,” she said like she had read the thoughts he was voicing in his mind and her hand travelled through his hair. “You remember, don’t you?”

He took a sharp breath as his eyes widened with shock. “How—”

“I can see it in your eyes.” Her thumb touched the skin under his left eye. “And it is not hard to bring two and two together. I’ve been suspecting it for a long time anyway.”

Right, he had forgotten the fact that he was dating a goddamn genius. His mouth opened and closed with hollow attempts to say a few words, but nothing came out. 

“I would like you to tell me. But I can wait until you are ready to do so.” She said, smiling. “I hope there is no other woman though, that would…” Her smile disappeared as her eyes lost their focus. “Yeah, that wouldn’t be nice. I might get dirty.”

Fuck, he had long forgotten about  _ the other woman _ thing. He thought about the reason why she had pulled back when he first tried to kiss her and when they had first kissed in this bed. It was  _ that woman _ who was, in fact, no other than Hange herself. 

“Damn,” he said, lips curling up in the shape of a smile. 

“I am very serious. You wouldn’t want to see my other side.”

Oh, yeah, he already knew. She was worse than him when she got mad. He had heard the rumours about what she had done to Pastor Nick back then. And he would be lying if he said he wasn’t  _ significantly _ affected. 

“Is this okay for you?” He asked, just to be sure.

“Yes,” she replied, resolutely. “As long as it is okay for you too.”

He kissed her as a reply, feeling all the doubts and worries go away like a leaf on a stream. Their clothes fell away one by one. Pressing his body on her he let himself focus on the touch of her lips and wandering hands. Their fast, hot breaths, moans and the synchronized beating of their hearts filled the room as their bodies became one. 

* * *

That night Levi couldn’t sleep. Lying awake on his side with Hange’s body pressed firmly on his back. She was breathing quietly on his neck and he was playing with her fingers absent-mindedly. He was thinking about two things in particular and was busy with circling them on his head over and over.

One of them was the time he had grabbed her hair the morning he had slept on her lab. He remembered the sharp pain on his eye as well as her shocked expression and what she had said.

_ I’ve just had the weirdest Deja-vu of my life. _

It wouldn’t be anything on its own. Deja-vu was a normal thing everyone had once in a while. But then there was another thing. 

_ I wonder if they have a digestive system.  _ And then she had said,  _ I feel like I have told you about this before. _

She had, in fact, had told him about it. Levi hadn’t noticed that at the time of course but did all of these mean that her subconscious was giving her hints too? He tried to recall any similar Deja-vu moments belonging to Erwin or Mike or any of the kids, but he couldn’t come up with anything. He might as well be reading too much into it but…

It might mean something.

“Hange,” he whispered. “Are you awake?”

“Hmm,” she murmured silently, kissing his neck. “Barely.”

It was kind of selfish though, to make her remember and also meaningless to give her the same amount of pain he had faced today. Then again if his guesses were right and her subconscious continued to trigger her like this it was inevitable for her to have her memories back at some point. 

“Levi?” she asked when he didn’t continue. “What is it?”

There were possibilities, high and low chances and lots and lots of risks. Then finally, he decided that it wasn’t his choice to make. It was hers to decide whether to remember or not. 

“Do you want to learn who that woman is?” 

_ If _ she didn’t already know. Her brain was nothing to belittle. As long as she was concerned it might be even possible that she had long undone all of the knots before he even remembered anything. 

There was a pause and he only heard the hard pounding of his heart during that period of silence. Then she said, without a trace of hesitation in her voice that, “I do.”

His thumb caressed her fingers, slow and deliberate. He could feel her heartbeats on his back, and as she buried her face to his neck Levi looked into the darkness with resolution. 

He had an idea. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I have gone too far in this chapter and the one to blame is the native song I have listened to while writing this. It is such an emotional song that inevitably it affected my writing. If there are some ooc or overly cheesy scenes, they are also the fault of that incredible, *respective* song. 
> 
> I would be more than happy to have some of your words to know what you think about the chapter ^^
> 
> Thank you for reading!!


	9. under the brown fog of a winter noon

Living was hard enough on its own. Waking up every day to continue breathing in, repeating the same routines to no end and with no actual purpose in hand was struggle enough. Sometimes he didn’t even realize when did the sunrise and when it settled down, leaving moonlight darkness behind and what happened between that short period of time. Before the memories of a life, a past changed his mind into a Ferris wheel which turned and turned ceaselessly, stopping every now and then to show him a particular moment he remembered with utter grief, it was hard, but now it was even harder. 

He found himself, more often than necessary, staring into nothing, mind somewhere far away from the whereabouts of his body and thoughts a muddle inside of his brain. He had times waking up, ready to wear his 3 DGM and blades, ready to fight ten, fifteen, twenty-meter titans, ready to march into a war on the back of a horse. Or times when he woke up waiting for an empty feeling on his right hand and blindness on his right eye. 

The worst part though was remembering the rumbling.

It was hard to describe the emotions it had awakened in him. The anger, the sorrow, the pain of loss and the desperation of an unfortunate end of a world he and his friends had so foolishly believed in saving. Oddly enough, he didn’t recall the way he himself died. Maybe it was for the best and maybe it was a gift of the universe which had always been extremely cruel to him.

Overall, the situation made no absolute fucking sense. He wasn’t sure if it was a matter of living two different lifetimes or simply him going nuts for good. He wanted to talk to Hange about it, so very badly, he knew that she at least would have a close to logical explanation and would prevent him from being shut in a damned asylum for the rest of his life. He was pretty close to it too on that night. He had made his mind on it. But then he hadn’t slept till the morning and when he had seen the rise of the sun, and how tranquil she had looked with the soft reflection of pastel colours on her face, he had changed his mind.

“Hey!” He felt a push of fingers on his shoulder. “You’re daydreaming again.”

It was Mikasa. That brat. She was the same as before. No manners whatsoever and no red scarf around the neck. It made him think about Eren, not that he hadn’t before but he was getting way too angry, and kind of disappointed so he never dwelled much on him. He thought of asking Mikasa about him. He had seen Eren once or twice and only knew that he had moved to another city for university. That was also the time when the scarf was gone. 

It would be weird though, to ask her out of nowhere when he didn’t even talk to Eren expect for a few simple word exchanges when he visited the shop. 

“She had warned me about this,” Mikasa murmured, frowning.

“Who?” Levi asked, blinking his eyes and not necessarily following the conversation.

“Hange-san,” Mikasa replied. “She is waiting outside.”

Levi looked through the window and saw Hange waving at him cheerfully with a wide smile spread on her face. It still struck him to see her breathing, alive and as warm as a summer day when she laid beside him at nights. Ever since that night, Levi fell asleep after she did, watching the calm and peaceful expression on her face and trying to imagine the vicious, courageous and sharp soldier she was once. He tried to think of how the vitality inside of her that had bolted so strong that it was nearly impossible to run away from its effect. That was possibly the reason why Levi had felt an uneasiness upon him when that seemingly infinite source inside of her had been reduced to an evidently lower level after she had become the commander.

Mikasa sighed, “You are hopeless.” She took the tray from on top of the counter which had the orders ready. “Don’t make her wait.” 

Levi stepped outside and walked up to Hange who was waiting for him in front of Erwin’s car, leaning her back against it. She straightened up when he was near enough.

“Hey,” she greeted, her smile warm and her eyes filled with life. Her glasses were replaced by the spare ones she had kept in her lab for the former ones had been cracked during the fire accident. “Are you okay?”

He wasn’t looking up at her as he once did. They were almost the same height though Hange was still taller, it was a very tiny difference that it was barely visible. 

“Yeah,” he replied, gathering his unkempt thoughts together. His fingers itched to reach forward and touch her, but he kept them in place.

“Okay,” she said. “Let’s go then.”

Hange took the front seat while Levi settled down at the back of the passenger's seat. Erwin was driving and they were going to see an apartment he had found for Hange as they had been for the past two weeks. Hange was staying with him and needless to say, he was more than okay with it. Even though she was the dictionary definition of messy and it did make a vein pop up on his forehead every now and then. She didn’t have many belongings for obvious reasons yet she still somehow managed to make his apartment look like it had just gotten out of a bloody war.

Yet, the familiarity that messiness brought along was as soothing as a cool summer breeze and Levi already felt so suffocated that he welcomed it without a complaint. 

He exchanged some simple words with Erwin, talking about work, talking about the weather, talking about his new projects. Erwin was a completely different case. He was the second most important person to him, and he had watched him die in front of his eyes. He had had the cure, the way back to life for him in his very own hands and he had watched life, light and blood slowly leaving his body. Because he knew that no matter how much it hurt the reality was bigger than just the three of them.

“Erwin,” he said as his eyes tried to catch a clear view among the blurry scenes from his window. “I’m sorry for telling you to give up on your dream and die.”

An awkward silence followed his words, and he didn’t look away from the window even though he practically felt them tense in their seats.

“I don’t regret it though,” he continued. “It was the right choice.” 

Hange turned in her seat to look at him but he merely sensed it. He didn’t response her stare. He was well aware that what he was saying made no sense to either of them. Maybe he simply had long passed the line of sanity.

“Levi,” Erwin started, tone suspicious. “I don’t really mind, you know. It was just a simple joke.”

Levi’s lips curved up with a sad smile and he watched a bird fly past the car as he leaned his head against the window. How he wished it to be just a joke rather than the last words he had said to his best friend. “Yeah,” he murmured. “It hurt like hell.”

Fingers touched his knee and then his hand. Finally, he looked away from the window to see Hange resting her cheek on the back of her seat watching him with an expression like she understood him even though she had no idea about what was crossing his mind. He held her hand for only a couple of seconds with the purpose of having her warmth with him, responded her stare as he tried very desperately to repress the ominous shades of emotions rising up to his eyes. 

Then he let go, and she smiled at him and Levi thought that he would live a thousand of lifetimes more and he would find her in each of them just to have a glimpse of that smile shaping in her lips.

* * *

The apartment they visited was the best among the ones they had so far. It wasn’t so big, but it was enough for someone who lived on their own. It might be even good for two people. The living room was wide and had French windows which were opening to a balcony in medium size, but it had enough room for her plants. The bedroom was efficient, the view from the window was clear. It was facing the city and Levi was sure it would be even better at nights. The kitchen and the bathrooms were clean, the house overall was bright and refreshing. There were no real flaws other than some little necessary technical work and they were things to be done in a short period of time. And better than all, it was only thirty minutes to work and it was close to the subway.

The apartment was perfect for Hange and she was extremely happy too. There was an excited, stupid grin wide on her face as she told Erwin and Levi the plans she already had for the house and how she imagined decorating it. She was radiating, and Levi was glad to see her like this and he was happy for her too.

Yet, when she asked Levi about what he thought about the house, he said he didn’t like it.

The ride back home was silent and tense. Hange was mad, Levi could tell from the way she patted her feet on the ground fast, fast enough to make her seat tremble with the force. She didn’t speak a word and Erwin only quietly sent Levi a worried look from the rear-view mirror. Levi felt like he was waiting nervously for a volcano to erupt and take the whole town down with its ashes and flames.

The silence lasted until Erwin dropped them to Levi’s apartment and left. When Levi closed the door behind him and went to the living room after Hange he was still somewhat tense. And he had every right to be as he soon found out.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Hange asked. She wasn’t shouting, yet. It was clear from her tone that she was holding herself back from totally erupting. On the other hand, her eyes were reflection enough for her fury. “Seriously.”

“A lot of things,” he muttered as he took off his coat and dropped it on the sofa. 

“I don’t even know how many apartments we have visited. I lost count.” She breathed in; her lips formed a thin line. “And you always find something to say, something _negative_ to say.”

“None of them was really good,” Levi said, taking a few steps to sit down on the sofa. 

“The last one was.” She was standing, and still hadn’t taken her coat off. Levi realized the redness on her ears as a result of her suppressed anger. 

“Why didn’t you just hire it then?”

“Because I care for your opinion, you dumbass,” she yelled and just like that the hot flames finally overflew from the edges. “I want you to like it as much as I do. But for some reason, I don’t know you are acting like a complete bastard every time we go to see a new house.”

Levi had nothing to respond to that because it was true. He wasn’t being that much supportive, and it was a time she needed it the most. He felt like a complete bastard too, he couldn’t blame her for anything she had said.

However, he couldn’t blame himself either for not wanting to let her leave. Not when he had just found her.

“I don’t know if you understand but I am officially homeless right now, Levi.” She was breathing heavily, and her hands were a pair of fists on either side of her. Levi wondered suddenly if they still had the muscle memory of their soldier bodies. If they had this whole thing could get dirty. “And I appreciate your kindness, but I can’t stay here forever.”

“You might as well,” he said, looking directly into her eyes so that she could understand what he meant without giving voice to the words piled up inside of him.

“Levi, I…” She sighed, her anger slowly fading away. “I really really like you, believe me, I do. But we have known each other for only a couple of months.”

_Oh._

So, here it was.

Levi had taken so many wounds before, they were unnumerable. He had no trace of old scars on his skin now and he barely remembered the pain he had felt. He always had a high tolerance of it though; it wasn’t easy to hurt him. Yet somehow those words felt sharper than any blade and they cut deeper than any of them.

He looked away. There had been times he hadn’t been able to hide the hurt in his eyes. No matter how strong one became if they had blood running in their veins and a heart beating inside of their ribcage, they were human still. Flesh and bone. And even the toughest of walls had a point to be surpassed.

“Unless,” Hange went on, as Levi watched the simple patterns of the carpet on his living room floor. “You’ve known me longer than that.” 

His body froze on spot, with his hands intertwined and elbows on his knees. His eyes widened, as he felt the blood withdraw from his face as if he was talking with his long-deceased beloved. 

And he kind of was.

Hange sat down next to him, but he couldn’t move. Her shoulder touched his lightly. “I think we should talk.”

Finally, he turned his bewildered gaze to her. His heart was beating definingly loud, the sound was the only thing he could hear for a moment. There wasn’t a questioning look in her eyes but rather she appeared to be clearly certain of what she had said. 

“You already know, don’t you?” He whispered, and he didn’t even wait for an answer in return.

“Well,” she started. “Actually, I expected you to tell me since you’ve asked me if I wanted to learn who that woman is. It’s been two weeks though, but you still haven’t.” She looked at him, raising her brows. Levi kept his face neutral; although he thought that she already knew why. “I wasn’t sure at first, but ever since you’ve told me about the dreams you had I’ve been thinking about it and I couldn’t look into it because I promised you not to.”

She adjusted her glasses. “Reincarnation was the most possible and logical explanation. There are thousands of theories, researches and essays about it. And I did read a lot of them before. It is not even nonsensical for, you know, Deja-vu is a real thing then there is the fact that some people feel like we’ve known them already even though we’ve just met them.” Her eyes sparkled as a ghost of a familiar grin took form on her lips. “I felt it when I met Nanaba and Mike, Erwin and Moblit. I always thought of it something like the souls knowing each other and I’ve never thought it would be anything more.” She pressed her lips together. “But then I met you.”

Levi waited for her to continue while the only thing he did was breathing. “I don’t think I can explain it to you now, but you felt so… familiar or rather,” she moved her eyes away from him. He could almost feel the machine whirling inside of her brain. “It was like… like I’ve lived all my life with you, but you weren’t there until you actually were. Does that even make sense? No, don’t—don’t answer that. It doesn’t.” She sighed, her body was restless. She got up to walk around the room aimlessly. 

“Still, I never thought much about it. And in your case, I was kind of sure that eventually, you were going to meet that woman you’ve talked to me about. You kept waking up from those nightmares and your eye,” she pointed to her own as she talked. “It was obvious that your subconscious wouldn’t let you be. And I thought about leaving because I thought that I was some kind of a barrier and if I left and you found that person whoever she was and then you would find some peace too.”

Hange worried her lower lip, walking back and forth in the limited area. Levi was yet to search for words to say, watching her from his place on the sofa with an expression he couldn’t even imagine how. He had never noticed that she had thought about leaving him. He was both shocked to learn it and relieved at the fact that she hadn’t.

She clicked her tongue before she went on. “And then I got you drunk.”

“I knew it,” he murmured.

“You don’t remember, naturally. But do you know what you told me that night?” It was a rhetorical question. She didn’t wait for an answer. “You told me not to sacrifice myself again. And,” Her eyes were locked on his and he forgot to even breathe. “You told me that you were going to take me to the woods.”

“What?” He inhaled, and he straightened his posture, his fingers dug into his knees. 

“I wouldn’t have suspected it. I would let it go and move on like you’ve never said anything and wouldn’t dwell on it. But I had realized that at that point I was already too far gone to be able to walk away from you. Even though I knew it was stupid considering the fact that we barely knew each other.” 

She pushed some strands of brown hair to the back of her ear, adjusted her glasses again and pressed her lips together until they almost became white. And she wasn’t looking at him as she continued. “But it wasn’t just that. Then you said, “You were right, Hange.” You said my name which means you were talking to me, though it wasn’t _you_ who was talking. It was your subconscious or rather your other self.” She was breathing heavily like him. He wondered if she was also feeling like she was inhaling thick smoke and not oxygen. “I am not the only one named Hange though. I thought about that possibility as well. But no. That would be too many coincidences and I don’t believe in that.” 

At last, her eyes found him again. “And for the love of God, who even cries when they are having sex with someone for the first time?”

Levi exhaled, slowly. A long, trembling breath. His mind was like an arid lake and no thought became green while the rough, insane winds of emotions turned it into a dark, fulminant storm. He got up from where he was sitting, crossing the space between them in a couple of long steps, he hadn’t even been aware that his body had moved on its own. His hands cupped her face, and his eyes searched hers. Her brows were knitted in a sombre manner, and as she responded his stare her eyes were bereaved. And it hurt to look at her so damn much that it surprised him.

“Do you remember anything?” He asked, and he kept his voice low so that it wouldn’t tremble.

Oh, how he fucking _hated_ the feeling of holding a bygone, worn photo in his hands. Staring at it with anguish and desperation and wishing silently inside for it to be real. For the person standing inanimate within to come out and hold him like they did before. 

Hange shook her head slightly. “I don’t.”

However, the relief those words caused was heavier than the disappointment underneath. It was better to burry that filthy, decayed and bloody memories that would bring nothing, _nothing_ but a miserable hurt and anger.

Hange held his wrists and suddenly she was closer. He saw her eyes lighting up with determination. “I want you to tell me.”

“No,” he said, with a voice so cold and strict that it was strange even to his own ears. He hadn’t even recalled the last time he had sounded like that.

“Why not?” she asked, frowning.

“I don’t want you to remember.” He let go of her face as he turned his head away. His muscles were tense while his lips were tightly shut.

“You are not the one to decide that,” Hange replied, and her tone was so rigid and distant that it immediately made Levi think of her days as the Commander of the Survey Corps. Chills ran through his back, that tone of voice was so very rarely directed at him. 

“There is nothing to remember from that shitty world,” he said, honestly. Except…

“Except for you,” Hange completed the sentence that had stayed unformed in his mind. 

“I don’t worth remembering that fucking nightmare,” he spatted, looking back at her.

“Again,” Hange started, watching her was like watching the enormous waves of an ocean, rising and lowering wildly. “It is _not_ a decision you can make.”

“Do you think I don’t fucking know?” The way his anger that was mixed with a hidden desperation increasing was like a plane taking off. Slowly at first, but then so fast that the force of it made him almost dizzy. “But it wouldn’t kill you to just fucking listen to me for once and let me make that decision for you!” His voice rose outside of his control. He felt like he was about to be drowned under that big, crashing waves and this was the last call of help. Because he knew and had accepted that it wasn’t his choice to make but coming to a realization was much harder than putting it in action. Levi didn’t even know which one made him more selfish. 

“Why the fuck would I do that?” Hange yelled back, her frown deep and eyes burning like torches. 

“Because I don’t want you to get hurt, you goddamn idiot!”

“Stop yelling at me, shorty! You’re not even--”

Levi winced, so visibly that it was impossible not to notice. Hange’s eyes were wide like she couldn’t believe what had just come out of her mouth. It was clear that she was also pretty much startled.

“What was that?” She whispered.

“Shit,” he cursed under his breath. Damn that worthless subconscious and whatever the fuck was pushing that bigger part of the iceberg from the depths of their brains.

“What—”

“Nothing.” Levi stopped her from going any further. It would do them no good to help to increase the pressure under that iceberg. “It’s nothing important.”

It was a meaningless, idle attempt and as expected it hadn’t worked. “Tell me,” Hange said. Her tone flat and deep just like the times she was giving orders. There was no tolerance to any excuses.

“Can’t you just let it go?” There was a headache building up, starting from between his brows and spreading to his forehead. 

“You know I can’t,” she declined. “Not this time.”

She stayed like that for a moment, watching him with an expression he couldn’t quite resolve. It was like trying to solve a puzzle which he already had for numbers of times and even though he had a pen in hand and an answer in his head he couldn’t write it down. And not much later she turned her back to walk away in the purpose of exiting the living room. 

“Where are you going?” Levi asked, as a disturbing feeling, he guessed as panic, sprouted within.

“I will leave you alone until you get your shit together,” she replied, and those were the last things she had said to him before the door of his apartment was shut hard enough to make the walls tremble.

* * *

Towards the midnight, there was still no call -or call back- from Hange.

Levi had decided to give her and himself some time to think and to settle their emotions down a little. There was no point on trying to come to a conclusion in a state where each of them was boiling hot like a geyser and prepared to erupt any time. Levi had spent the day cleaning, cooking and cleaning again. It was always a utility to purge and distant his mind from the dreadful noises crashing inside of his head. And it had worked too, to some extent that is.

But when the clock was ticking close to midnight and Hange still hadn’t picked up or returned any of his calls he had started to worry. It felt like there were little worms in his stomach, and it made him sick.

When he couldn’t reach Hange, he tried Erwin. “Is Hange with you?” He asked as soon as Erwin picked up thinking that maybe she went to Erwin to stay the night. 

“No, she isn’t,” Erwin replied. Some tenuous noises were coming from behind, possibly television. 

“Do you know where she is then?” 

“Unfortunately, no. But why? What happened?” Levi sensed the curiosity and slight worry in his tone but there was no time to explain. 

“Maybe she is at the lab?” Levi tried with one last hope to get a positive answer. 

But it was in vain. “She wasn’t when I left an hour ago,”

Levi sighed, feeling both apprehension and anger at her for being so damn reckless. “Alright, thank you Erwin.”

“What happened?” Erwin asked again but Levi hung up. He wasn’t in the mood to talk.

He then tried Mike. The moron answered his phone after the third call and Levi had long passed the line of being angry. He was so damn pissed that he couldn’t speak with a normal tone as he asked, “Where the hell is Hange?”

“How would I know?” Mike said or yelled as well for he was possibly surprised at Levi being angry without a reason. “She is your girlfriend!”

“I can’t fucking reach her!” He pulled at his hair and thought of the reason why he was so full of rage. It was the guilt that had given him a head up and waved like a mischievous toddler at the end. 

“Why? What did you do to her?” 

“Nothing!” He said, but he didn’t even believe it himself. “Her phone isn’t ringing.”

“Maybe it’s dead,” Mike reasoned and then he gasped. “Oh, shit, it’s almost midnight.”

“Yeah.” If Levi wasn’t so angry, he would roll his eyes. “Can you call Nanaba? Maybe she is with her.”

“Well, man I don’t think that’s possible unless the woman in my bed now is the evil twin of my girlfriend.”

Levi twisted his face, disgusted. “That was why you didn’t pick up.”

“You wanna go there, little man?” Levi heard the smirk in his voice which only made him regret his unfortunate decision of calling Mike.

“Fuck no,” he said, and he was about to end the call when he heard Mike saying, “Let me know when you find her.”

“Sure,” he said already forgetting about the promise he had just made when he took his coat and keys and got out of his apartment.

* * *

He was about to make his third tour around the town when his phone rang. 

“Where the fuck are you!” He exclaimed as he pulled the car to a stop in the first place he saw available. There were long, angry horns at his sudden behaviour. He would’ve given them the finger if he wasn’t so damn near to lose his mind.

“My phone had died,” Hange replied, calmly. There was no trace of the burning anger in her voice now. “I’ve only just put it on the charge.”

He needed to calm down first, so he took steady, controlled breaths. Only then he asked again, “Where are you?”

There was a short pause on the other end of the line. For a second which felt extremely long and agonizing, he thought she wasn’t going to tell him. Then, much to his relief, she said, “I am at a hotel.”

He had checked every hotel he could’ve found nearby but she was in none of them. “Which hotel?”

“I don’t—ouch!” She exclaimed.

“What? What is it?” Levi asked, worried. 

“I’m trying to comb my hair,” she said, woefully. “That shit hurts.”

Levi sighed as he rubbed his eyes with his fingers. Damn, he was tired. “Of course it does if you only do it once in a month,” he said, his body finally relaxing against his seat. 

“I do it once in two weeks now.”

“That’s a success.”

“Of course.”

“Tell me where you are,” Levi said, leaning his head back. “I need to talk to you.”

“You can wait till the morning. The hotel is an hour from where you are.”

“How did you even go that far?”

“The subway,” Hange replied casually. “And I kind of found myself here. I wasn’t really aware.”

“Just send me your location,” Levi said, starting the engine. “I’ll be there.”

* * *

Levi parked his car in front of what looked like a cheap, simple hotel which he supposed possibly had low standards in case of hygiene. He locked his car then walked into the lobby, which was lightened only by poor quality, white lamp. The man behind the reception had his cheek rested on his palm as he turned absent-mindedly in his swivel chair. He hadn’t even seemed like he noticed Levi entering. 

Levi took the elevator as Hange instructed him and walked fast to her room as his long steps were muffled by the upholstery. When he reached her room, he knocked on the door somewhat impatiently and tapped his feet on the ground as he waited for the door to be open.

Seconds later when she opened the door she wasn’t smiling.

“Hey,” Hange greeted him as she leaned against the doorframe, arms folded on her chest. Her eyes were cold and voice distant. He had fucked up, big time. 

“Hey,” he replied, awkwardly. Then eyed the room from above Hange’s shoulder. “Can I come inside?”

“I don’t know,” she raised a brow, her glasses were slipping down. “Can you?”

Okay, he had deserved that much. “You are not going to make this easy, are you?”

“I mean…” she lifted her shoulders. “Why would I?”

His jaw tightened, unintentionally. “We need to talk.”

“Oh,” she raised both her brows now, sounding fake surprised. “I’m glad you’ve noticed that. I would never think of it.”

“Hange,” he reached forward and grabbed her collar, pulling her face close to him. He had no more patience for today. “I am being serious.”

A few, long seconds passed in which they merely eyed each other without speaking a word. He could imagine the expression on his eyes, hot like ember as the brown of her eyes were serene like water. “I see that.” 

His fingers tightened around the fabric. “Do you want me to beg?” 

Her eyes slipped down, watching his lips as a mischievous smile played on the corner of her mouth. “Maybe.”

He felt the tips of his ears burn despite himself, as his gaze tracked down like her. “Get your mind out of the gutter.”

Finally, a sincere smile blossomed on her face, displaying some parts of her teeth. “You first.”

Levi pushed her inside with the hand still holding her collar and closed the door behind them with his foot as he leaned her back against the wall. He got his face close to her again, staring at her darkly. “We are going to talk.”

“Do we have to?” she asked, and her mouth twitched a little. “Because I am kind of turned on right now.” Her voice was hoarse with suppressed laughter.

“Hange,” he warned as he felt all the blood he had rushing to his head and some other parts. “Don’t.”

Thankfully and kind of surprisingly she listened to him. Although she sighed wearily and rolled her eyes. “Why can’t I stay mad at you?” She put her hands on his chest to push him back. Levi let go of her collar and she turned her back to him to walk into the room. “Come on.”

A single bed, a television across from it, a small table in front of the window, a chair on its side and a mini-fridge were the only items inside the room. As Levi had guessed earlier it didn’t look very clean and even as he sat down on the edge of the bed, he was uneasy.

“Couldn’t you find anywhere better?”

“I am sorry if it didn’t meet your expectations, Your Highness,” Hange sat down next to him. “I don’t even know how I got here. It was either this or some random bench on a random park and I thought it would be better to sleep on a bed than being freeze to death till the morning. So…”

“That was very considerate of you,” Levi approved, nodding his head. “I am impressed.”

“Right?” she asked, beaming at him.

“You could’ve just come back though,” he said, glaring at her. 

“It was our first fight,” she said, looking at him from above her glasses like it was a very important thing that Levi had missed.

“So?”

“What happens to my pride if I come back that easily?”

“Tch,” he grunted as a detail he hadn’t noticed earlier drew his attention. “What the hell happened to your hair?”

“I was bored,” she touched her hair which was tied together with a sloppy, messy braid. It was obviously an _attempt_ at braiding her hair which had failed in every possible way. “I had nothing else to do. I tried reading from my phone, but I couldn’t because your stupid face kept hindering my thoughts. I couldn’t focus and it died soon after anyway. Then when I was waiting for you, I came across this video on YouTube and I thought “how hard can this be?” Right? It is just a braid.”

“And yet you couldn’t do it,” Levi said, feeling a slight twitch on his mouth but he stopped the smile that was threatening to take form on his lips.

“And yet I couldn’t,” Hange nodded her head, accepting her failure. 

There were so many things he wanted to tell her, things that he had been accumulating, hiding and keeping in a safe place only he knew. But instead, he merely said, “You are such a dork,” and his voice was full of such affection that if she paid enough attention, she could find that place in that tone of voice without so much a struggle. His mouth curled up as he watched her throwing her head back, laughing heartily.

“I cannot argue with that.”

He leaned a little to the side, touching her shoulder with his and borrowing a little part of her warmth. He looked into her eyes then, for her to understand that he was being sincere in what he was about to say. “I am sorry.”

She smiled a simple gesture which showed that she already knew. “Me too,” she replied, with a kind of sheepish expression. “I might’ve overreacted a bit.”

Levi shook his head no. “You were right.”

She sighed, then leaned her head sideways so that she could rest against his head. “I can’t believe that we fought like teenagers.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, reaching out to hold her hand. 

“I think I understand,” she started, seconds later as they both watched their tangled fingers. “The reason why you don’t want to tell me. To some extent that is. I would possibly do the same.”

Levi hummed, as he leaned into her a little more. “But you can’t let it go.”

“I don’t think I can,” she agreed, exhaling a tired breath. 

“I know,” he pulled back to look at her and used his other hand to push her glasses back into their place. Then he touched her cheek, brushing his thumb along her skin. 

“So, you’re going to tell me?” Even though she tried to hide it, Levi didn’t miss the excitement under her question. Her eyes twinkled with curiosity. She didn’t even care about the things Levi had said to her, about how shitty that world was. She was simply curious; it was a part of her. Always had been.

If Levi thought much into it, he could find too many reasons for him to stick on her for such a long time, for a period of two lifetimes to be accurate. Levi had only known the colour black, the darkest shade of death, the one that left you blind to everything that was luminous and vivid. Hange was an unexpected stroke of a brush on a black canvas, and she was the colour of the sun, the brightest shade of life in a world where the shiniest colour they knew was the ominous red. 

If Levi was a dead tree, alone in cold spring with branches free of leaves, nothing to hold and nothing to hold onto, Hange was the rain pouring down on him to keep him alive. Even though there weren’t various colours of flowers blossoming on him, he was breathing, and he was aware of the fact that he was living. Maybe that was the reason why he had found her in this life too because without her he was breathing still yet he was never really aware of it. And Levi didn’t know how for the life of him but she somehow managed to make it easier to live. 

“I won’t,” he said but before he saw the disappointment in her eyes, he wrapped his arms around her and lied back down, pulling her to his chest. She didn’t resist, but her body was rigid as she put her face on his collarbone. He rested his cheek on her hair and hugged her tight. “Tomorrow,” he promised and closed his eyes. “Tomorrow, I am going to take you somewhere.”

Hange relaxed against him as if she figured out what he meant by those words. Levi wouldn’t be surprised even if she did. “Okay,” said she merely. “Tomorrow then.”

* * *

A year ago, Levi had brought a house in a forest a couple of hours away from the city.

He had no reasons to except for a persistent feeling that wouldn’t leave him alone and let him have an hour of sleep. He never had such dreams even as a child. He had no problems with the city life and had no other choice for he had to work anyway. However, a year before, he had woken up with that awkward feeling and a pointless wish to buy a house in the forest. He had talked to Erwin about it then, not about the dreams, but he had asked for help to find and buy one. It hadn’t been that hard, for he didn’t want anything fancy in the first place. It was a detached, wooden house surrounded by trees. The only sound was the singing of the birds and the squeals of the crickets. It was better than enough for him and the price was good as well. He had bought the house without thinking too much and tried to spend some weekends on it.

Yet he couldn’t have.

Whenever he went, to stay the night and spend some time in front of the fireplace alone to ease his mind he always ended up going back before he even saw the dusk. For the house carried a sense of emptiness and he couldn’t get rid of the feeling of something being missing right beside him. As if there had to be two cups of tea instead of one, one more blanket to put inside the closet one and two pair of shoes in front of the door. He had come with Erwin once, but he wasn’t enough to fill that empty space, and that empty feeling he had within. It was like blowing inside a balloon which had a hole on it. It had never worked. So, he had stopped coming after a while. Leaving the house alone in the forest for months. He had thought about selling it but could never bring himself to do so.

Now, when he drove the car to their destination with Hange sitting beside him, watching the roads outside through her window, everything made perfect sense. 

After about three to four hours of drive, in which they had only stopped for breakfast and to get gas, Levi pulled the car in front of the wooden house through the road which had darkened by the shadows of the trees. He stopped the engine and leaned back, his heart was beating in his throat. He didn’t know if this was going to work but there had to be more reason behind him buying this house before he even met Hange than to simply taking her here. 

Speaking of, she was silent as she watched the house from her seat. Levi searched for any sign of realization on her face but could find none.

Then she reached forward for the handle of the door and got out of the car. Levi followed right behind her as she walked silently towards the house. But he stayed behind, watching her back as she kept watching the house.

“A year ago,” he started, thinking that it was time to say something. “I bought this house for you.”

Her body froze, shoulders tensing at his words. The breaths leaving his mouth were thick and fast while his heart pounded so hard, his chest trembled like there was a big orchestra inside of it. The vibrations of the instruments collided with his whirling emotions and together they created a symphony of chaos. “And I couldn’t tell you back then,” he went on taking slow steps to get closer to her. “Because no matter how fucked up things were, we have never been selfish enough to run away.” He thought of her words, her last wish from him before the time she wanted him to let her go. “But maybe we should’ve just lived there together, right…” He was near enough to her to hear her gasp. A slight hint to make him continue. “Hange?”

Levi didn’t know if it was those words that caused the shell of memories inside of her mind to crack and shatter to pieces as she lifted her arms and squeezed her head in between her hands then fell down on her knees. Yet he saw and recognized the moment the memories were liberated from their prison, ghosts invading her brain like she had just opened thousands of graves and let the restless souls roam about in the cemetery inside of her head.

He kneeled down beside her, but as he watched shivers went through her body, and painful, desperate groans escaping her lips he could do or say nothing but sitting by her side. He didn’t even know what he himself felt even when he searched for words to tell. 

Several seconds, in which he patiently waited for her to gather herself up even for a little bit passed. Levi knew from personal experience that at one point her mind would give up to darkness but as for now, she was still conscious as she turned to him at last with a face wet with tears.

He couldn’t find a chance to say anything when suddenly a pair of arms were wrapped around his neck, making it almost impossible to breathe. Her hot breath trembled against his skin as she said, “How dare you make me cry, shorty?”

Nostalgia added like water in his blood, surrounding his body from inside out as he hugged her back. Arms tight around her waist while he felt like he was holding a memory from his past which had become alive as flesh and bone. “Count it as payback,” he said, breathing against her hair and letting his lips curl up slightly as a smile. “Four-eyes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't noticed yet I hc Levi being stupidly in love with Hange that's why I'm being so sappy in this fic it surprises even me sometimes
> 
> I am sorry if there are any inaccuracies in case of literally anything. As I've said I haven't really read any reincarnation aus so I deeply apologize for anything irrelevant and absurd 
> 
> As always I would be very much happy to hear your thoughts and feelings about the chapter ^^  
> Thank you so much for reading!


	10. under the brown fog of a winter dawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: there is a very very mild s content towards the end of the chapter but nothing too detailed

“What was she to you?”

It’s Pieck. She is sitting next to him so it must be her. It takes him a moment to realize that she is talking to him. He feels like an empty vessel like he has only just blown his soul out, but his body continues to keep him alive. He is breathing, his heart is beating and warmblood runs through his veins. There is a sharp pain inside his chest, and it is stuck there like ice as it burns like coal and cuts deep like broken glass. He feels as if his heart is being dug up by a hot iron stick countless of times. Each time it hurts more severely than the former to the point of leaving him almost numb. 

He considers her question. Were they being that obvious? But he doesn’t have the power to worry about it. The fact that she had used past tense in the sentence is all he can think about.  _ Was, was _ . It pushes him to the edge of a cliff, for him to accept, to let go of denial and fall down to the abyss of reality. He struggles against the merciless hands he wants to turn back and beg for it to be merely a nightmare. He wants to wake up and find her there, lying on his chest, sleeping safe and sound. 

But he has long past the state of having that luxury. The luxury of hoping anything better.

“She was…” he starts, watching the ground, holding his injured hand on his other. There is no trace of her warmth left. Only his body temperature to remind him that he is still, unfortunately, alive while the one person who deserved the most to live has just been reduced to ashes. “She was my…” 

There is no single word enough to explain what she was to him and no way he can express what he feels to a stranger who hasn’t even been with them from the very beginning. Pieck is silent like she understands and maybe she does. She might even relate to him if she has experienced the same lost before. 

“My…” 

My, my,  _ mine. _

Hange doesn’t belong to anyone or anything. She is as wild as an autumn wind and like the sun she warms and illuminates anyone within her reach. Yet, if there is one thing the sun belongs to, it is the sky and Levi might not be as vast and free as that infinite blue, but the effect is still the same. He is warm and light when she is there, then cold, cold and dark when she is not.

It is not like possessing an item but rather it is like possessing an emotion. Like the feeling when you find a place that is being visited solely by you and no one else. Away from the crowd, the sound and fury, the gloom and doom. The mere being who knows the smell of the soaked leaves, the songs of the little animals’ chattering, and the peace of the quietness are you. 

And he is the only one who knows the sound of her laughter in the early morning hours, the taste of her lips under the pouring rain, the regular rhythms of her heart on his back when they lie together on the bed, the warmth of her skin when she holds his hand close at nights, the glitter in her eyes when he touches her knee under the table during a meeting, the slight tremble in her breath when he kisses her neck. He is the only one who knows the feelings those moments bring along.

And for that, she was his, his and  _ his _ only.

But now she belongs to the sky.

* * *

He didn’t know the reason why he recalled that particular memory now as he watched Hange, sleeping restlessly on the couch inside the house, just across the fireplace. The flames were crackling every now and then, undulating left and right. He was sitting on the edge of the couch, a wet towel in his hands to wipe away the sweat from her forehead, neck and chest. He had to make her take off her sweater, she solely had a black tank top, and a thin sheet Levi had laid on her. She was shivering furiously, her eyes were tightly shut, her skin was red with fever. 

When they stopped for gas on their way here, he had made a little shopping because he knew the house was very much empty. He had prepared soup for her to drink about half an hour ago, but she had thrown out to the bucket he had put beside her after taking merely a spoon from it. Levi could see from her face and her fists that were holding the sheets that she was drowning in and out of the sea of memories. They weren’t pleasant at the least when she woke up occasionally her face would be painted with such fear that just watching it pained him like he was lying down slowly on a bed full of upright, sharp needles.

Hange woke up from her anxious slumber one more time, just as Levi put the towel in the water to wet it again. She was gasping and trembling and there were tears on her face.

“Levi,” she called his name with such panic that Levi dropped the towel at once. Then reached out to cup her hot cheeks with his wet hands. She wasn’t fully conscious; her eyes were somewhat cloudy as she held his wrists tight. 

“I’m here,” he said, looking at her eyes and trying to make her understand that this moment was the reality and not those dreary memories from another life.

Her breathing was heavy and unsteady, he could feel the way her body trembled through her hands. She blinked her eyes a few times, tears kept running down her face but the blurry stare of hers gradually became clear. “How’s—” she started between deep, fast breaths. “How’s…”

“Hange, listen to me.” Levi tightened his hold on her face, to avoid her looking anywhere else than him. “Listen, what you are seeing are just memories. They are long gone. Do you understand? Whoever you are seeing is okay now.”

“Levi,” his name came out as a desperate whine and it broke him like a hit on the thin surface of frozen water. “Moblit,” her hands left his wrists to hold his shoulders. “Call Moblit, I need to talk to him. I never had the chance to thank him enough for everything he had done for me.”

He didn’t know what made him say that maybe seeing her broken, and frail like this for the first time, maybe it was him who was broken and frail, it didn’t matter when the word left his mouth quiet as a sigh, soft as the wind, “Love,” he whispered. “You can talk to him when you get better.”

“No,” Hange didn’t seem like she had noticed the word of endearment he had just used. Her hold on his sweater tightened as she lifted her head from the pillow. “Call him, Levi. I need to talk to him. Now.”

Desperate, he took her phone out of her pocket and found Moblit’s name on the directory. Then he called him and gave the phone to Hange. Her hand still trembled drastically as she held the phone in her ear then she straightened up to sit. 

“Hange-san?” He heard Moblit’s reverent voice on the other end of the line.

Hange sobbed the moment Moblit spoke. “Moblit…” The hair which had escaped from her dishevelled ponytail covered her face while she rested her forehead against her palm. “I’m so sorry.”

“Are you okay?” Moblit sounded incredibly worried, just like he always had when it came to anything about Hange. “Hange-san, do you need me to—”

“I can never thank you enough,” she whispered, and Levi merely handed her some tissues for her to wipe her face and watched her with a sombre expression as her shoulders shook slightly. “I never thanked you enough.”

“I don’t understand,” the man replied. Levi could pick out the confusion from his voice. “But there is no need for you to thank me. It has always been a pleasure for me to work for you.”

Hange wiped her face as another sob, which was more like a deep, forlorn sigh, left her mouth. “You don’t really understand.” She closed her eyes and turned her upper body back then buried her face to the pillow. Her voice came muffled as she said, “It was so hard after you left.”

Levi didn’t know which hurt him the most. Hearing this from her mouth, or the fact that he couldn’t have been with her when she needed it the most. “Hange…” was the only thing that left his mouth, as her words rumbled in his mind, caused an earthquake and destroyed everything within its reach.

“Do you mean the period when you were in Australia?” Moblit asked, trying to make sense of anything on his own. Poor guy had no idea. “It was only for about a year though. I joined you not much later. But I’m sorry if you had a hard time in my absence.”

Hange laughed but it was mixed with a muffled sob. “Yeah,” she said, sniffing. “It was hard indeed.” A sigh, deep and shivering. “You should’ve never left.”

“I’m sorry.” The man apologized again, as much as Levi could hear he did sound genuinely regretful. As if any of this was his fault. “I will make sure to never—”

“Please don’t apologize,” Hange cut him, whispering with a thin voice. “Just don’t.”

“I’m sorry— I mean yeah, okay, sure, Hange-san. Whatever you say.”

She laughed, the sound was broken, and Levi realized then that his sight wasn’t very much clear. “Thank you, Moblit.” 

“Anytime you need.”

Quietly, he took the phone from Hange’s hand for she didn’t seem like she could speak anymore. Then got up from the couch and stepped away so that she couldn’t hear him.

“Hey, Moblit,” he said, pressing the phone to his ear.

“Mr Levi?” He didn’t sound so surprised to hear Levi’s voice. “Is she okay?”

“Just Levi is fine,” Levi corrected. “And yeah, she is okay. Just a little sick, but there is nothing to worry about.”

“Oh,” Moblit said, relieved. “I’m glad she is with you. She tends to be very reckless, and the weather is quite unstable nowadays.”

“Yeah…” Levi muttered. Old habits didn’t die quickly as it seemed. Then he realized that he had never talked to him properly nor did he even think of thanking him for taking care of Hange. “Thank you, Moblit.”

“I… don’t really understand,” Moblit repeated, laughing somehow nervously. “But of course. You are welcome… Levi.”

Levi got back to Hange after hanging up. She was lying on her side, and her crying had ceased from the looks of it. Her eyes were unfocused as she watched the fire. He dropped the phone on the coffee table then sit back down.

“Hange…” he started, not sure how to continue his words. “I’m—”

“Don’t apologize,” she interrupted voice firm, not leaving a space for objection.

“I left all the burden on your shoulders,” he objected still, his voice ignited out of anger for himself. “I should’ve—”

“Listen to me,” she sat upright and looked at him with an expression which reminded him of the determination and severity she had during her period of command. How could she ever think that she wasn’t suited for the position when she was born with that fire of rule inside her? “We weren’t some cute but star-crossed lovers who had no concern but the denial of their parents. We were soldiers and we had our duties. Duties which came before everything else and we had a fair share of bad fate on our plate. You know that as well as I do. So, stop blaming yourself for things you had no control over.”

Levi knew she was right, yet that didn’t change the fact that she was alone during the hardest part, accused of the way she looked at things, betrayed by her soldiers, blamed by people who hadn’t even seen how hard she had worked—

“I don’t know why I am remembering this right now,” she murmured, her eyes lost on the slow movements of the flames. “But I just wish I could punch Eren when he grabbed my collar like that. I never had the chance to get that close to him again—”

“What did you say?” Within a mere second, Levi saw red and shot upright from where he was sitting. The sharp edges of rage wrapped around him like thorns on ivy. “That little bastard touched you?”

“Oh, no,” Hange said, looking at him with remorse. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“I am going to kill him,” he growled. What was the last time he had felt so full of rage? “I am going to fucking kill that little, good-for-nothing shit.”

“Levi, calm down—”

“I can’t fucking calm down!” Levi yelled, losing his control bit by bit and not feeling sorry about it at all. For the rage in his words wasn’t only directed at Eren. “I am going to find that sick son of a bitch even if he is in a deep shit-hole in goddamn hell. I’m going to kill him slowly. And I am going to enjoy every damn second of it.”

“Hey,” suddenly there were hands on either side of his face, and a warm breath on his skin. Only then did he realize that his body was shaking with anger. “Look at me.” 

He did, albeit quite reluctantly for he knew what kind of a look he would see in her eyes and that expression never failed to soften his mood no matter how deep his malicious emotions fiercely surrounded him. 

“You are still blaming yourself,” she whispered, seeing right through him as always. “There was nothing you could do about it.”

“I should’ve never left you.” Hollow words. He had no other choice. No other paths to walk through, no exists to follow to the end.

“That wasn’t an option, you know that,” she sighed and leaned her forehead against his temple. Her skin was still hot with fever. He closed his eyes and savoured her heat, the solid fact to show him that she was real. “I’m tired. Let’s sleep for a while. Then we can talk further.”

His hands found her waist, and he kissed her neck, the spot which he felt her pulse throb against his lips. And he breathed in, deeply to let her scent fill his lungs and mind until there was nothing else he can think of. 

She kissed him on the lips in return, wrapping her arms around his neck. It was a long, lingering kiss, a mere press of lips just like the ones they used to share in between the boring meetings, after a bloody expedition when they saw each other alive and well, at the end of a long and tiring day which they only had enough energy left to sleep. All in secret away from the wandering eyes and all belonged to just the two of them.

She slept on his chest, hand a loose fist close to her lips. Levi covered them with the thin sheet and wrapped his arms around her to press her body against him. Then he watched her for a while, sleeping safe and sound at the moment and thought that maybe he could just wish for something better for once in his life. 

* * *

“Ugh, I feel like shit.” Coming back from the bathroom, Hange sat down on the couch at the same time Levi returned from the kitchen with two cups in his hands. He placed them on the coffee table and sat down next to her.

“Yeah, it is pretty obvious.” He held one of the cups from the table and handed it to her. The smell of mint and lemon filled his nostrils. It was soothing.

“So, you stopped being all lovey-dovey to me now?” Hange took the cup and brought it close to her nose and made a soft, approving sound. “Smells nice. Mint and lemon?”

Levi nodded. “I had read somewhere that it is good for nausea.” He watched her taking a sip from the hot liquid and smiling to herself. “I wasn’t being  _ lovey-dovey _ to you by the way,” he said, wincing at the words.

“Oh, you so were,” Hange said, hiding her widening smile behind the cup. Her eyes were glittering playfully, but she wasn’t looking at him when she said, imitating his voice, “ _ Love, you can talk to him when you get better. _ ”

Levi didn’t have a memory, or couldn’t remember even if he had one, where he flushed so fast, he was sure there was no blood left on the other parts of his body. “You heard that?”

“Yes, thank God I did. I would never even dream of hearing that word from your mouth. Not even in my wildest dreams.”

Levi looked away, feeling as hot as the flames on the fireplace. “itwasunintentional,” he murmured, he couldn’t even understand himself though.

“What was that?” Hange approached her face to him, so much so that Levi was sure she could sense the heat radiating from his cheeks. “I mean I always knew you were a softie. I just never thought that you were  _ that _ soft for me.”

Levi clenched his jaw for he saw the smirk taking shape on her lips from the corner of his eye. Hange laughed and withdrew giving him someplace to properly breathe. “Joking, joking. I will act like that never happened. Don’t worry.” Levi heard her taking a noisy sip from her tea. “Though I have to write it down somewhere. Then when we get older, we should give it to historians. Too bad they don’t know that once upon a time you were the great Levi Ackerman. The strongest of the whole of humanity. The hardest man to approach. The demon and the worst nightmare of his enemies..."

“I see you are feeling better now, four-eyes,” Levi grunted, sending her a death stare. Then reached out for his own cup and took a long sip from his tea, ignoring the fact that it burned his tongue. 

“Thanks to you, shorty.” She winked at him; her smile still evident. No matter how much the situation annoyed him, he couldn’t blink the fact that this moment felt as natural as breathing and was as calming as the fresh morning air. 

“Oh no,” Hange whined and Levi looked at her, raising his brows. “I can’t call you shorty anymore. You are taller.”

“Still not taller than you,” Levi pointed out, shrugging his shoulders. He didn’t really care.

“The difference is not that obvious though,” she clicked her tongue. “It is probably because you weren’t raised under the same circumstances as you were in the underground. Lack of sunlight, the quality of the water and nutrients etcetera.”

Levi hummed, agreeing. “That makes sense.”

“Yeah,” Hange said then drank from her tea. “Who are we fooling though none of this shit makes any sense.”

Levi snorted, seriously he couldn’t agree more. “Right?”

“So, it was another universe,” Hange reasoned. “We have lived a life, a very fucked up one at that, then reincarnated to a modern universe to live another one? This one is not that fucked up though,” she snorted, sarcastically. “But why are we the only ones who remember?”

“I don’t know,” Levi replied, honestly. “As the smarter of the two of us, it is your job to find that out.”

She smiled at him, adjusting her glasses. Levi was glad that their sour mood from earlier had switched to their natural conversation. He didn’t know if he could be able to bear seeing her crying and broken anymore. “Maybe it is because they haven’t experienced something powerful enough to trigger their memories?”

“Maybe,” he muttered, not quite sure. “Do you remember the ‘give up on your dream and die,’ thing?”

Hange nodded and Levi continued. “That was the last thing I had said to Erwin.”

“Oh…”

“Not that it is something as powerful to trigger him, but—”

“No, I am sure that was pretty important for Erwin too. Though I don’t know what that dream is, I think you somehow gave him the courage to…”

“Die,” Levi completed. 

“Yeah,” Hange agreed, her smile turning into a sad one. “And he showed no signs of… you know, remembering?”

“No,” he finished his tea and dropped the cup back on the table. “He was quite bitter at me for saying that to him though.”

Hange laughed. “God, I missed Erwin. Do you think it would be weird to hug him the next time I see him at work?”

“Depends on your surroundings.”

“I wouldn’t care about it,” she said, then shifted a little to sit cross-legged. “So, no one else but the two of us remembers, huh.” She put her elbow on her knee, then rested her chin on her fist, her eyes narrowing thoughtfully. 

“I don’t think you would remember if it wasn’t for me,” Levi said, as a matter of fact. 

Hange snapped her fingers and suddenly her eyes flared up. “That’s it!”

“What?”

“We must be connected somehow!”

Levi raised a brow, because of fucking course they were. “Is that news to you?”

“Not like that,” she brushed him over with a wave of her hand. “The reason why we remembered must be connected. Wait, let me think.”

He did as she held her chin in between her fingers. She watched the carpet, but her eyes were unfocused, as her mind was somewhere else. Levi gladly waited for her brain to work in whatever ways only she understood as the sole thing he did was watching the way her eyes reflected the flames, her eyelashes brushing her cheekbones every now and then and her soft hums as she forced her mind to its limits.

At the end of minutes which he hadn’t counted, she straightened and turned her eyes to him. Her expression serious as opposed to minutes ago. “Okay, I think I have an idea.”

Levi waited instead of questioning and she slipped closer to him, dropping her elbow on the back of the couch. Levi appreciated the closeness, very much so. If possible, he didn’t want her any farther away than this. 

“I know you don’t generally regret the things you do,” she started, and her stare became somewhat sheepish as she went on, “But do you, by any chance, have some regrets about me? Other than the one we talked about earlier?”

Why was she shy about it? Levi wondered if she had any idea about what she actually meant to him. 

His lips parted slightly to give a pass to the words which would eventually lead him to tell her the thing he wanted to avoid her from learning the most. “I regret letting you go.”

She appeared to be kind of surprised at first, her brows moved upwards vaguely. But then her eyes softened with sympathy. “Levi,” she said, the corner of her lips slightly curled up. “We didn’t have much of an option. We couldn’t let the kids sacrifice themselves and obviously not you. I was the only one to—”

There was no way he could tell her this slowly and wish for it to not hurt like a direct hit on the gut. So, he decided to remove the plaster at once. “Falco could fly.”

The smile froze on her lips and all colours withdraw from her face as she merely asked, “What?”

“His titan could fly. We learned it after you… while we were fighting the titans. He saved us.” Maybe it was pointless, or complete nonsense but nothing could stop the regret which pressed him down hard on scalded rocks moving sly as a snake, capturing him from within. The  _ what-ifs _ never left his mind, never gave him a rest to close his eyes. And he kept remembering the fact that he couldn’t have looked at her in the eyes and it killed him like a deadly disease spreading slowly, painfully and cursing him with unavoidable death.

“His titan could fly?” Hange whispered, bewildered. And Levi couldn’t quite believe in his own ears, but he heard the unhealthy excitement in her tone which gave him a sense of nostalgia so strong it almost made him dizzy. “That’s…” She took a sharp breath and a shiver travelled through her body. “That’s awesome.”

Levi watched her with wide, shocked eyes as her eyes shone with that crazy, curious light very much like the time she first saw Eren hardening his titan body. “Hange!” He warned, feeling enraged.

Yet, she didn’t seem like she had heard or cared about him. “Man, to think about the things I would do if I were to get my hands on him,” She shivered again, more evidently this time. “I wish I could—”

“Hange!” His voice raised out of his control. She winced and looked at him in awe, mouth agape. “Don’t. Stop that.”

Finally, she blinked her eyes as if waking up from a daydream. “Oh, I’m…” She shook her head quickly to the sides. “I’m sorry. I got carried away.” She shook her head again as if her mind was full of sand. “So,” Her eyes now free of that wicked light found him. “You’re saying that I died for nothing?”

He was already angry, so her question only fed that anger more. “We all died for nothing,” he burst suddenly. “What did Erwin die for? To protect Eren. And why did we want to protect him? Because we thought that he was going to save humanity.  _ Humanity _ , my ass. He died to protect him, and you died because of him. I wonder if there was a single human remained after that fucking shit show. I don’t even know what the fuck happened in the end. All I know that just after you sacrificed yourself for us, that little brat realized that he could fucking  _ fly _ . Not much after  _ I _ let you go. What if—”

“There was no way we could predict that,” Hange cut in with a voice directly opposite to his own. “And we had no time to think of another solution.”

“You don’t know that,” his breath trembled as the words left his mouth.

“Levi, listen. I am going to be honest with you.” Her fingers combed his hair back, while her thumb caressed his face as if trying to soothe the seesaw of his rage. “I don’t think that I’ve died for nothing.”

He opened his mouth to object, but she went on without letting him speak. “I always knew that there was no future for us. I wanted to believe, and I wanted to hope that maybe we had. In some way. I wanted to believe in a world where you and I and the kids would live peacefully may be only for a decade.” She smiled, but it was a sad one and it didn’t reach her eyes. “But well, it was so dangerous to dream of and I always had a reminder of reality. Sasha, for example. I—” A weary sigh. “Even if not for me at least, I wanted the kids to have a life away from all that mess. But when Sasha died, all of a sudden, it was like… well it was proof that we weren’t living in a world where we could dream of a better future. Our purpose from the very beginning was to save humanity, right? I lived and died for that. So, I don’t think that my death was for nothing. I don’t think any of us had died for nothing as well.”

He didn’t have anything to say against that because he knew that she was right. He merely responded her pensive and gaze he was sure that his eyes reflected the same emotion. She got closer to him and touched his forehead with hers, at the same time wounding her arm around his neck. “At least, I am glad that I was given a chance to live another life with you.”

He sighed. Letting go of the sombre thoughts and past regrets which he had no control over and no power to turn back to fix. If there was something he could do, it was to focus on this moment and the fact that they were both alive and together without the threat of death hovering above their heads.

“Who is being all lovey-dovey now?” He asked, smiling.

“Shut up,” Hange laughed. “We deserved that much.”

“Hmm,” he hummed, approving and wrapped one arm around her waist. “What’s yours?”

Pulling her head back, she appeared to be confused looking at his eyes. “Your regret?” He asked, to be more specific.

“Oh, yeah.” She laughed a little to herself. “I have a lot of regrets, I think, but the one about you is… it’s a little stupid. Because you are the strongest person I’ve ever met. But,” she tilted her head a little to the side. “I regret leaving you alone, like that. I mean, not that I had any other choice but…”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” she laughed again. “I told you that it was stupid. But you were injured, and you were looking so tired lately, and there was no one but a bunch of kids around you so I—”

“Damn, Hange.” He snorted.

She shrugged, "At least the mystery is solved now, kind of.” Then adjusted her glasses and smiled brightly at him. And she looked so beautiful and real and alive and Levi had missed her so fucking much that the sensation almost left him breathless. Then he reached out, grabbed her head with both hands and kissed her stupid mouth until she was dizzy with the desperation and longing behind it.

“Wow,” she whispered when they pulled back, out of breath and smirked. “This feels weird. You barely even touched me back then.”

“It was risky,” he said. “And we had no time.”

“Hmm,” she murmured kissing him again. Her fingers grabbed his collar. “We do now though.”

He nodded, then leaned back in without wasting a second. Her hands moved fast and eager as they roamed about his hair, neck shoulders and finally his stomach under his sweater. He bit and licked her lips asking for permission and she gave in easily. Then grabbed her hips to pull her until she moved to sit on his lap, legs on either side of his waist. He traced her back under her sweatshirt up to the laces of her bra. “Fuck,” she whispered against his mouth, between hasty kisses. “Do you happen to have a bed here?”

“I do.” A kiss, short, followed by a longer one. “But the room is probably colder than here.” 

Hange made him take off his sweater and followed right after by taking of her own and throwing it to who knows where. “Couch will do then.” Her hands pressed against his shoulders until he was lying on his back. She sat on his stomach and Levi made quick work on her bra. Then she leaned down to kiss and bite his collarbone. The moment their naked bodies touched each other a bolt of electricity ran through his skin.

“Fuck, Hange,” he hissed, grabbing her hair. 

“What are you, a horny teenager?” Hange asked, smugly and Levi heard the smirk in her voice as her lips travelled down his chest.

“I fucking feel like this is the first time we—shit,” he cursed when he felt her lips and tongue around his nipple. 

“It kind of is,” she whispered, then pressed her smile to his lips.

* * *

“Now it makes sense,” Hange said thoughtfully. She was lying on his chest; her fingers were drawing imaginary circles on his skin. The flames continued to make little, crackling sounds on the background. 

“What does?” Levi asked while his hand went up and down her back slowly as the other arm held her waist tightly, pressing her body against his to feel and share her heat. The sheet was too thin to keep both of them warm.

“The fact that you were trembling the first time you kissed me,” she explained. “And the reason why I cried.”

“Yeah,” he agreed and rested his cheek on her hair. 

“What about your eye?” She tilted her head back to stare at him and lifted her hand to touch the lines under his right eye. “Did it ever hurt after you remembered everything?”

“No.” He took her hand and put it back on his chest, but he didn’t let go. “I think it was trying to make me remember.”

She hummed. “I thought so too.”

“Do you even understand what I mean?” He asked, one corner of his lips curling upwards as he tried to suppress his smile.

“What?” She blinked her eyes at him, then frowned. “What are you trying to say?”

“My eye,” he said, remaining eye contact and smiled at her curious expression. He was going to sound hideously sappy, but he couldn’t care about it at the moment. “It was trying to make me remember you.”

As expected, she did look quite taken aback, even withdrawing a little to have a better look at his face. “How—”

“It makes sense since you were the one to take care of it when I was injured,” he started. He had figured it out not long after his memories were set free out of their prison. “Until I met you it only hurt when I woke up from the nightmares. I didn’t remember what I saw but I’m guessing that they were mostly my memories of you.” He remembered the one he saw the morning of the day he met Hange. That one wasn’t a memory but a vision of how their lives would be if they were to survive the war. “But then it hurt the first time I saw you and the first time I heard your laugh. And the times you made or say something familiar.” He couldn’t say it out loud, but the pain also ceased whenever she touched his eye or his head like it craved her touch. 

Hange was unusually quiet and she merely watched him mouth agape. Then her eyes became somewhat glassy, and she bit her lower lip and Levi almost panicked at making her cry, but she quickly hid her face on the crook of his neck. When he didn’t feel the hotness of her tears he relaxed and kissed her hair. 

“I wish your subconscious would find a way that was less painful,” she said, sniffing even though she has stopped the tears before they could make it out of her eyes.

“Doesn’t matter,” He said, tightening his hold around her. “I would find you either way.”

* * *

Levi woke up with a sense of emptiness on the other side of the bed.

For a moment his body froze, and he didn’t even dare to move his hand to touch the sheets to see if they were warm. The darkness fed the ominous fear that had started to accumulate in his mind drop by drop. There was a deadly silence in the room, and he could only hear the loud pounds of his heart. Through tormented seconds he merely lied there, barely breathing. Then he realized something. 

That his eye wasn’t hurting. 

A long breath left his mouth, and he ran a hand through his face then his hair. Then threw the blanket aggressively away and got up from the bed to find the person who had almost caused him to have a goddamn heart attack. 

It wasn’t that hard. She was on the balcony, resting her elbows on top of the railing. The wind played with her hair, and she vaguely shivered, shrinking to herself. He reached her from behind and hesitated only for a second before wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his chin on her shoulder.

Life was too short and cruel to miss moments like these.

“What the hell are you doing here?” He questioned, unpleased. “Come back to bed.”

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Hange asked, lifting up one arm to put her hand on his neck. 

“No,” he grunted. 

She laughed, knowing very well that he was lying. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Make it a second,” he objected and pulled back, immediately missing her warmth. “Do you want some tea?”

“Sure.”

He turned his back to go inside. He had no more sleep for tonight anyway. Maybe they would cradle on the sofa, with teacups in their hands and a blanket over them talking until the early morning and be late to their jobs. Like they had been for the past few weeks. Everything felt both so ordinary and incredibly surreal. 

“Wait!” Hange grabbed his arm and he swirled him back to her. “I need to tell you something.”

“You are not pregnant, are you?” Levi asked, his shoulders tensing at the possibility.

Hange looked astonished for a second before she burst out a laugh. “No, of course, I am not. Why, would you like me to be?” She smirked.

Levi looked away, the tips of his ears burning hot. 

“You would now, wouldn’t you?” She laughed again, clearly enjoying the situation. “I would  _ love _ to see you with a baby. You do realize that they tend to be very, very dirty, right? Do you think you can handle it, clean-freak?”

“I hate you,” Levi grumbled. The biggest lie he had ever said. There was absolutely zero sincerity behind it. 

“Oh, I know.” Hange chuckled to herself, then placed a sloppy kiss on his cheek. 

“You are gross,” he said, mouth twitching more to hide his smile than to show his fake disgust. 

“And you are a real softie,” she whispered, and he felt her smirking against his cheek. 

“Enough.” He pulled his head away from her lips. “What are you going to tell me? Spill. Or I am going inside, and I will lock you here.”

“You would never do that.”

He wouldn’t. But she didn’t need to hear that out loud.

“Okay,” she sighed when she saw that he was glaring at her, flat. “I don’t know how to say that to you, because, well, words don’t seem enough.” 

He frowned, somewhat worried and pulled her close to him by putting his hands on her waist. “What is it?”

Her fingers touched his nape, and her thumb drew circles on his undercut. “I…” she breathed, then sighed frustrated. “I can’t say it. Didn’t we have a telepathy kind of thing? Can’t you read my mind?”

“No,” he rolled his eyes. “We didn’t live in a fucking science-fiction movie, Hange. We just knew each other so well.”

“Yeah,” she smiled, seeming relaxed. She appeared as if she had just found a solution to a long-lived, complicated problem. “I know.”

Then she retreated her hand from his hair, curled his fingers like a fist and put it on top of his heart.

And he stared at her dumbfounded because suddenly he had figured out what she was trying to tell.

“You,” he blinked. “You knew? I mean, did you—”

“Of course, I did, shorty.” She smiled. It was wide, genuine and lovely. “When did we ever need words?”

_That,_ he thought. They never did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first things first, there is a very lovely and amazing art by @porolitart on tumblr, (@totoropirate here) I want to send my huge thanks and hugs and love one more time. It made me incredibly happy and you should def check it out. here is the link: bit.ly/39saFPa (sorry I can't seem to drop a proper link here. I'm a total mess when it comes to technology)
> 
> And of course, I want to thank all of you who have been incredibly supportive throughout this story. I have received so many beautiful, encouraging and kind comments that I can't possibly thank you all enough. But still, thank you so much for leaving a comment, or a kudos or a simple click. It all means so much.
> 
> There are things that I willingly or unwillingly left out in this chapter because aot is a very complex story, as you all know, and I didn't want to misinterpret things, I am no manga critic and there are people who understand its depth far better than me. I tried to be as logical as possible, I apologize again if there are any inaccuracies.
> 
> I hope there are no question marks left on your heads and I genuinely hope that I made none of you disappointed with the way this story turned out to be. Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> And well, I would be more than happy to hear your thoughts :) ^^


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